They say desperate times call for desperate measures. With that in mind, I am officially endorsing Theo Epstein for president.
I have no idea how he feels about NAFTA, entitlement reform or immigration. All I know is he might be the most exceptional human being to ever walk the planet.
No offense to Da Vinci, Einstein, Newton (Sir Isaac, not Cam) or Archimedes, but none of them ever raised the Boston Red Sox from the dead.
And it turns out that was just his warmup act as a general manager. Now Epstein has turned the Chicago Cubs into the best organization in baseball. If the Cubs don't win the World Series this year, they'll get one soon enough.
You know the history. Boston and Chicago were considered hopelessly cursed by the Bambino and the Billy Goat. The Red Sox had gone 86 years without a title, and it's been 108 years for the Cubs.
Whoever solved Boston's cursed puzzle deserved immediate induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. And if that same individual gets the Cubs a World Series title, it's time to call the Vatican and get him officially certified as a miracle worker.
Short of turning Tim Tebow into Mike Trout, there are no baseball worlds left for Epstein to conquer. Maybe he could become WNBA commissioner and make the league more popular than the NFL. Or become the Hawks' GM and convert Dwight Howard into a 100 percent free-throw shooter.
As important as those missions would be, there is a higher calling. A survey just released by the American Psychological Association said the presidential election is a major source of stress for percent of Americans. The remaining 48 percent have already moved out of the country to avoid having to choose between the hairballs coughed up by our respective parties.
I'd planned to write in Homer Simpson on my ballot, but our nation's precarious future is no joking matter. So I urge you to join me in writing in "Theo Epstein."
Barring late-breaking bombshells, he has never engaged in "locker room talk" with Billy Bush or compromised national security to protect his money-laundering foundation.
He is also superhuman.
So please, vote Theo on Nov. 8. Anyone who can cure the Red Sox and Cub can make America great again.
