David Platt, you wicked Coronation Street crimper; what a joy it is to welcome you back to the dark side. Uncle David is so devoted to niece Bethany he once hid ecstasy tablets in her dolly’s head. Now Bethany is all grown up with an attitude the size of Cheshire, but she still can’t defend herself against glossy-haired school bully Lauren, who’s been giving her a hard time down at the gym. So hurrah for Demon Barber of Weatherfield David, who snipped off Lauren’s perfect hair. Well, she was foolish enough to accept a complimentary wash and go, and everyone knows nowt comes for free at Audrey’s salon. It was a cruel cut, and one that reminded the world that David’s evil tendencies are never far away, despite a quiet few months. “I said she wouldn’t suit a choppy bob, but she goes all postal on me,” he deadpanned to the police. Who knows what he’s capable of next? Death by Brazilian blow dry?
Tidy-browed trouble magnet Todd Grimshaw has also been having a moment this month. Not content with stealing Billy the vicar from the arms of Sean, Todd tried to move into the rectory. As the pair smooched in a hotel room, the clergy-flavoured innuendoes came thick and fast. “Billy, we’re on the same hymn sheet,” he panted, lying on a faux-fur eiderdown of lust. “Can we not just have sex and talk about it over the sticky toffee pudding?” Sadly, Billy was having none of it.
In other Weatherfield gossip, foghorn in a scrunchie Beth Tinker has been arrested for bigamy. “Two fellas on the go, and I can’t even get one!” exclaimed hot-pinned Street ledge Liz. Always one to think of herself, Sally piled in to the debate. After all, she spent 40 quid hiring a frock for Beth’s 80s-themed wedding to Kirk, which it now turns out was illegal. “I’ll be totting it all up and I shall send her a full demand,” she snapped. While we’re on the subject, the other guests should probably bill the not-so happy couple for the distress caused by witnessing Kirk dressed as Adam Ant.
Panto season started early in Emmerdale, where David and Tracy enjoyed a joint “hag” night ahead of their nuptials. Wedding planner Leyla, with all the tact of a muddy tractor, came up with the concept of a doctors-and-nurses theme to celebrate the groom’s all-clear from cancer. “It’s all I’ve got left over from that Rocky Horror wedding thing what got cancelled,” she said. “I’m dead sorry, David. Sorry for saying ‘dead’.” David was as far from dead as it gets, fully dragged-up in a latex nurse costume.
“I’ll see you all in church… or not,” screeched a drunken Tracy as she stumbled out of the pub, ripe for a light kidnapping by her estranged dad, Frank. Keen to make amends for only turning up in her life a couple of months ago, he chose the eve of her wedding to whisk her off and show her where he’d carved her name in a tree. At a place with no phone signal. So as the day dawned she was stranded and late, creating a nice bit of suspense/farce. Serial jilter Carly was the first to judge. “There’s one thing I learned: always get your hair done first,” she said. “If you’re gonna do a runner, you may as well do it looking fabulous.”
On to EastEnders, and Sonia, with a face like a wet weekend in Kettering, decided to move to, er, Kettering. Before she went she had time for a face-off with Shirley, who’d been using Sonia’s caring skills free of charge rather than look after her own mother. “You cheeky, mouthy, brutal old witch!” stormed Sonia. “I hope she bites ya!”
The Mitchell brothers shared a no-less beautiful moment as Phil’s liver landed him in hospital again. Phil had decided to summon Mark Junior, product of Grant’s fling with Walford miseryguts Michelle, to Walford to liven things up. While Mark got his flirt on with half-sister Courtney, Grant agonised about whether to break the news he’s Mark’s dad. And then decided against it. “You’re getting soft in your old age,” teased Phil. “Says the geezer who’s just been to his gay son’s boyfriend’s funeral,” said Grant.
Grant’s not the only one who’s been spreading his seed around the Square, as it emerged that chief fox Denise is having Phil’s baby. This is not a drill, people. The proof will come when it pops out with a bald head, shrivelled-face and ability to communicate only in grunting noises, just like daddy.
