![The Starship Enterprise in a still from Star Trek [US 1979] for Robert Wise obit](http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/8/17/1439851076240/335d2757-4e10-4de7-b85c-a2bc0b1f81b0-460x276.jpeg)
I’ve seen this image doing the rounds online lately. Although it’s clearly a massive partisan oversimplification of diverse political ideologies, it did end up putting modern politics and Star Trek in my head at the same time. This lead to the following thought experiment; what if David Cameron was captain of the USS Enterprise, from Star Trek? What would that be like? This is the sort of question that can keep you awake at night.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11415.76: Day 3 of our mission to the Shallius system, where Federation scientists are experimenting with a new type of energy production. Our role is to oversee the procedures, ensure the correct safety protocols are maintained, and to report back to Starfleet on the potential for this new approach as an alternative energy source. At present, events have progressed as planned and there is nothing to report.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11416.39: Day 4 of our mission to the Shallius system. At 0800 hours the experimental facility exploded, destroying itself, the surrounding community and anything else within 2000 kilometres of the installation. The Enterprise’s science officers predict that the surface of half the continent will remain molten for the next 8 decades, and the planet will be hostile to all known life until the next millennium.
I recommend that Starfleet proceed with widespread implementation of this energy production. It will be good for the communities of the Federation once we can stop them being vaporised.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11501.98: At 1700 hours we received a distress call from our colony in Sowell 6, in the Deffon system. They reported massive flooding due to extreme weather conditions and deforestation which was on the verge of destroying the whole community. Our records showed the Sowell colony to be mostly concerned with farming and rural pursuits, so I instructed the crew to ignore the call and continue along our route.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11523.15: At 1030 hours we docked at Starbase 194 to take on a group of cadets in their final year of Starfleet Academy. I have made no secret of my support for academies so was very willing to take on these cadets in order to provide them with valuable experience of how a real Starship works.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11525.44: Tensions with the cadets continue to escalate. They have expressed unhappiness at not being assigned quarters while they remain on board the ship because they are too young to warrant them, and at the fact that those cadets found sleeping in the corridors have been imprisoned in the brig.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11526.31: The situation with the cadets has been resolved after I had them all ejected into the vacuum of space. Some of the medical crew objected to this course of action, but it is essential that our future officers learn not to expect something for nothing and instead work to earn benefits like oxygen, gravity etc.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11660.28: A potential mutiny was averted today when many of the crew and senior officers discovered that I am not actually qualified to command a Starship and was only awarded the role due to my family connections with Starfleet command. Thankfully, crisis was averted when I warned of an impending attack by the Pakled. While it is true that the Pakled pose no threat and are generally downtrodden, they do make a useful scapegoat with which to distract a fractious crew.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11687.31: Recent attempts to improve the efficiency of sickbay by introducing several layers of management have proven unsuccessful with morale amongst the medical crew at an all-time low. To address this, I ordered all medical personnel to work triple shifts, but this also proved unsuccessful. As a result, I have relieved all the medical crew of duty and replaced them with doctors for hire located from the Starbase we docked at yesterday morning. The situation has been resolved to the satisfaction of all concerned.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11699.36: Almost 58% of the crew are dead as a result of a contagious bacteria that went unnoticed in a crew member returning from shore leave. The hired medical experts failed to notice it and seemed unable to manage the outbreak. I have reappointed the original medical staff and instructed them to fix the situation under threat of court martial if they fail as this was all their fault to begin with for reasons I shall work out later. I expect morale to return its previous high levels soon.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11704.67: At 1440 hours we received a distress call from Ron-Da Prime, where several dilithium mines are located. Geological activity had apparently led to a collapse of three of the largest mines, trapping thousands of miners in dangerous situations with limited air. I instructed the helmsman to continue on our course. I am not sure what it is miners do, good riddance, I say.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11715.69: Lieutenant Johnson got his head stuck in a replicator again.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11722.61: After being summoned to Starfleet Command for a review into the increasingly disastrous situation on board the ship, I have proposed to the crew that we leave the Federation and strike out on our own. The response has been mixed thus far.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11742.02: Due to the increasingly poor situation with regards to crew morale and organisation, I have ordered that all internal communications be routed through my console, to better monitor the crew and uncover troublemakers.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11743.19: I have reversed the decision for all crew communications to be routed through my console. There are only so many times a person can stand to be called “that dish-faced tosser” or some variant thereof.
Captain’s Log Stardate 11765.74: This will be my last Captain’s log as I have recently sold the Enterprise to a group of interested Ferengi. Many of the crew objected this, largely on the grounds that I don’t actually own the Enterprise so it isn’t mine to sell, but they can address their complaints to my villa in the southern hemisphere of Planet France.
Dean Burnett is aware that this piece makes no sense but he has been a bit ill recently and this is where his mind goes in such circumstances. He’s on Twitter, @garwboy
