Well *sob* I have literally not been anywhere or seen a single person in MONTHS :((( of course everyone is being incredibly sweet & tactful about the Met Ball going honestly Sam you did not miss a thing God you should have SEEN SJP’s headress, no srsly it is just wall-to-wall Kardashians these days, you were so lucky to be quietly at home, at least you do not have the papers literally ripping your dress apart, did you see what they said about poor SJP’s headdress #harshmuch? I’m like, excuse me, did you see what they wrote about my FEET *suffers hideous Hounslow flashback*.
I was like, enough election already, Dave’s like please babes, we need you in Leeds, I promise we will never go back to Hounslow, I’m like, what about Leeds *shudders*, btw are you sure they do not go barefoot there, he’s like, no worries, just ask Jim Messina here, only in the warmer months. I’m like *suspicious face* are you SURE Mr Messina, he’s like, relax Michelle, I had my people check with this guy, you might have heard of him, George Orwell, btw don’t forget to wear an apron and rub noses when you’re up there. I’m like, well can I speak to this Mr Orwell, he’s like, another thing kids, turn up the football fandom? Dave’s like, but what team, Mr Messina’s like, as many as possible, old thing, looks keen, by jingo.
So we go up North & Dave keeps going hello feisty chaps & chapesses because appaz that is Northern for ladies and gentlemen??!! Afterwards I’m like, IDK babes, it did not sound quite right to me, Dave is like, trust me mam, I’m like ”mam”, WTF, he’s like bear with, missus, Jim and Lynton are the best in the bloody bleeding BUSINESS, look how ordinary people are loving the shirtsleeves & anger, is it time for my pills?
But Mr Cobber is like, correct Sabrina, there’s more to winning elections than just swearing & pulling faces. Dave’s, seriously, like what Lynton? He’s like, like banging on the table mate & doing fists & shouting like a proper bloke, haven’t I taught you ANYFRIGGINGTHING? Dave’s like SOZ LYNTON I CAN’T SHOUT ANY BLOODY LOUDER, Mr Cobber’s like, so we triple your dose, mate, works in Australia.
As seen by Catherine Bennett
