Consider Player X. He's 41. He hits .200. He hasn't played the field in three years or hit over .250 in four seasons. His own team, which remains within sight of a wild-card spot, will pay him $27 million next year to go away this year.
So raise your hand if you understand why the Miami Marlins are even considering the player who used to be Alex Rodriguez?
Well? Any hand's up? Ah, yes, I see you, Jeffrey Loria.
All together now _ one, two, three ...
"It's so Marlins."
It's so sad, too. It's an overnight nightmare threatening to return the circus and Benny Hill music to a franchise that's spent recent months building the product of baseball.
Sunday's first news was bad enough. Giancarlo Stanton is effectively done for the year with a groin injury, meaning the Marlins' wild-card playoff hopes are all-but-done, meaning they're desperately turning over rocks for help.
There's a bigger story to digest here on Stanton and injuries and if, by 26, his body keeps breaking down for long stretches of seasons how his $325 million contract will look once he starts to age a little.
That can wait, though. The Marlins have immediate concerns. Up and down the organization they spoke after Sunday's 5-4 win against the Chicago White Sox of staying alive in a wild-card playoff race that seemingly just ended for them.
"You can't replace him," said Sunday's starter, Tom Koehler, of Stanton. "You're not going to replace that power. You're not going to replace what he brings to the lineup. But at the same time it's not like we're calling up someone who's never played baseball before to go into right field. We have ..."
A-Rod?
"Ichiro."
That's the correct answer, of course. That's the answer the Marlins should have considering he's not just a much better player by any statistic than A-Rod right now, this year, today _ which is the time frame that matters most.
On-base percentage? It's Ichiro Suzuki, .389 to .247. On-base-plus-slugging (OPS)? Ichiro .762 to .598. Wins-above-replacement? Ichiro, 1.7 to minus-1.1
We could do the same with Derek Dietrich (.373, .783, 1.7), who has been playing first base of late.
So this A-Rod issue should have been an easy pitch for Marlins president of baseball operations Michael Hill to swat over the fence when it came Sunday. And yet ...
"I think we're going to look at everything," he said.
He went on: "I don't know where his head is or not. But where we are right now, we've played too hard, too well, right now, and we're going to do whatever it is in our power to help in anyway we can. If it's (A-Rod), if it's someone else, we're going to find a way to make it happen."
Translation: Someone in the organization mystifyingly wants A-Rod. And, by someone, all fingers point to Loria, the team owner. He loves his New York Yankees. He loves his A-Rod. He loves the idea of a hometown player making some noise for his team.
Does he actually think A-Rod can help the Marlins win, though? Or the noise he makes will be good for his franchise?
Because A-Rod isn't the player he once was. Time happens. Careers end. His career-low numbers don't even cover his self-inflicted scars from battles over performance-enhancing drugs or his passive-aggressive thing with the Yankees.
Just look at how he'd fit in with the Marlins. First, he'd need a position. He has never played outfield in the majors. So, again, nix that idea. He's only played two games at first base (both in 2015) and had an error. So nix that thought, too.
For that matter, he's only played five games at third base in the last two years. So, what, you want him taking his .200 bat and replacing Martin Prado?
This makes no sense, folks. Besides, if the Marlins want to undercut everything they've done this year by getting back in the circus business, they can do better than getting an old, ineffective A-Rod.
Tim Tebow is sitting by the phone, too.
