Well, here it is. My big moment. Years of training and 10,000 hours of practice as a sports writer make me a valuable resource for what a changed America is asking amid the novel coronavirus pandemic.
Will Tom Brady win in Tampa Bay? Let's get super serious.
How do you productively work at home? America is stressed over this. Maybe you are, too. It's one thing to do your job, prove your worth, close a deal, chart a career and fool the boss from the discomfort of home.
It's another to binge-watch "Uncut Gems" on Netflix at the same time.
That's where I come in. Working at home, you see, is the second-greatest invention of mankind, right behind the air-conditioner, which made working at home possible.
Yet it is troubling to watch people struggle with the stay-at-home concept. Jimmy Fallon's young daughters climbed all over him while filming his TV show. Stephen Colbert opened in a bubble bath, while wearing a suit. TV weather reports come to you live from Al Roker's kitchen or the Coconut Grove backyard of NBC6's John Morales.
Since you, too, probably look forced and stilted in this home work environment, let me help. Here's an experienced reporter on how to do it right:
7 a.m. Get into a routine. Author John Cheever, the patron saint of stay-at-home workers, started his workday in the 1950s with a shower, breakfast and change into work clothes. He'd then exit out his front door and take a brisk walk before returning to his home office _ all to make it feel like he was going to work.
7:01 a.m. Relax, it's not the 1950s. I don't shower, don't take a walk, start the day in gym shorts and T-shirt and immediately fire off a witty Tweet or serious email to a few editors to show everyone I'm up and working hard.
7:02 a.m. Return to bed.
9:12 a.m. Start the real work day. It's time to get serious. That means, in this stretch of "Social Distancing" to add the important layer of "Family Distancing." Set some ground rules if your partner and kids are home, too. Knock before entering your office. No interrupting a phone conversation. You have priority on video games. And, if all fails, retreat to your secret sanctuary: The bathroom. They can't get you there. Just don't over-use toilet paper.
10:24 a.m. Schedule in some breaks, but don't get sidetracked by on the time-wasting vortex of social media. For instance, a Twitter poll going around Thursday asked for a list five previous jobs you've had. Some of them were LOL! If I were to get sidetracked from my hard-core journalism job, I'd answer: 1) ran letterhead presses like the Chief-15 _ and have a finger scar as proof; 2) Tow truck driver; 3) Wendy's busboy; 4) Lawn maintenance worker; 5) Uber driver to three children.
11: 12 a.m. No matter how tempting it is on a random walk to the refrigerator, don't perform any chores like laundry, dinner prep or general housecleaning. These are your work hours. Daily housecleaning will become an expected part of your workday if you start this. One exception: Clean up evidence (strewn sofa cushions, candy wrappers ... ) that suggest you haven't been slaving all day.
11:59 a.m. Wash your hands every hour on the hour, as always, to the complete theme of "Jeopardy."
12:42 p.m. Eat lunch with the family to recreate the comrades-at-work atmosphere you miss, commiserating over any issues about work, boring them with what your fantasy-baseball team would look like and, also, reminding the kids they're driving you crazy.
1:07 p.m. Get in a quick nap, but remember your cell phone in case the boss calls.
1:56 p.m. Look, I understand the feeling you might get. You feel on an island working at home. Empty. Isolated. So turn on the TV for company (WARNING: Avoid any stock-market update). You might keep, as I do, an ever-changing list of under-the-radar movies to re-watch: 1) "A Good Year" with Russell Crowe; 2) "Hereafter" with Matt Damon; 3) "Music and Lyrics" with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant; 4) "The Martian" with Matt Damon and 5) "Contagion" with .... Kidding!
2:42 p.m. Don't play wordsplay.net? It's addictive.
4 p.m. Don't forget to call into the daily company conference call during this crisis. If this a video conference, be aware of the background so as not incriminate you with the television show, mini-fridge, Cheez-It package, yoga pad and that photo of you on vacation 20 years ago.
5:30 p.m. Another successful workday is done. Now go take a shower. You smell like Cheez-Its.
