Well *quite annoyed face* every time I try to talk about Christmas Dave is like soz babes, not until after I have done my agenda-setting immigration speech, I’m like, OK, when is that, we need to decide between turkey and goose, he’s like, tbh that is out of my hands, as in poor Craig’s kitchen is still being done #totalnightmare? I’m like, so can’t Ed Llewellyn do the speech? Dave’s like, unfort Ed is already super-busy, you know he is the lead in Peter Pan, btw Jo Johnson is Wendy, serious lolz. I’m like, well excuse me, I may not know much about the free movement of Labour but what is so difficult about promising to cut migrant benefits, I mean just do it already? Dave’s like, well appaz immigration is way more complicated than it looks, ditto the promissy-pledgy part, God I wish I had never said no ifs no buts, why DO I listen to Craig, but the important thing is, do you think my bum looks big in this?
I’m like, no, excuse me, WTF, what does it even matter about your bottom, Dave’s like, well I was *quite* rude about Mark Reckless’s arse and now he is back, God I wish I had never said it was fat, Craig said it was legend, like throwing the kitchen sink – God someone please tell me why I said that?
I’m like, ne stress pas, this year is literally all about backsides, actually you just paid Reckless the biggest compliment? Dave’s like, srsly, I’m like srsly, anyone would prefer a fash-forward fat arse to swivel eyes, why do you not get Sarah Govey to do a column about it? Dave’s like, do not remind me, I wish I had never said about swivel eyes, Ed said it was rofl-level genius, I’m like, well they are definitely better than being a fruitcake or loony or closet racist, that has to be way more insulting to Ukippers, right? He’s like, God I wish I had stopped at fruitcake, honestly babes, are fat arses really on trend? I’m like, well tbh it depends, but do not beat yourself up, who knew Rochester and Strood felt the same way about buttock augmentation as Kanye West?
