THE FARCE AWAKENS
The Fiver was rubbing its beady little eyes in disbelief earlier, having just heard that a man might – or, get this, might not – get a job. You’ll just have to wait and see if he does get it and you’ll just have to keep rubbing away until then, rub, rub, rub, check, check, check, rub, rub, rub, check, check, check. This could last a while, seeing as the fascinating possibility exists that said man will continue to be linked with said job for the rest of eternity, keeping us poor suckers on tenterhooks and our peepers strangely sore, red and dry, but we all have our silly little hobbies and obsessions, that’s why that bloke in your office keeps saying he’s “using the force” every time he prints something off or makes a cup of tea.
It’s very odd when he does that, although not quite as bewildering as Chelsea’s majestic slump this season, which has left Darth José in a bit of a pickle. We all have our problems. For instance, The Fiver can’t stop inserting Star Wars references into its copy despite having absolutely no intention of seeing the film, while the Special One’s reputation has sunk to such an extent that there’s talk of the Special Juande replacing him at Stamford Bridge. Mourinho must have been rubbing his eyes in disbelief when he heard that one. Hopefully there’s a doctor he can go to at Chelsea if his eyes get irritated.
While change is in the air at Chelsea – unless it’s just the toxic fumes coming out of the dressing room – the rumour mill is also grinding into gear at Bayern Munich, with Pep Guardiola seemingly heading towards the exit at the end of the season. He’ll likely be replaced by Carlo Ancelotti, who’s probably spotted an easy opportunity to add to his surprisingly paltry three league titles in 20 years of management by going to Bayern, and Manchester City sounds like Guardiola’s likeliest destination. Everyone’s very excited, even though nothing has happened yet. “Tonight, I have no answer,” Guardiola revealingly revealed after Bayern’s victory over Darmstadt on Tuesday. “Next week there will be clarity.” Rub, rub, rub.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Two of our physios were at my wedding. I think they’d have made it to the top table if I’d been getting married this year because I’ve spent so much time with them” – Nottingham Forest’s spectacularly unlucky Chris Cohen talks multiple cruciate-knacks, with Nick Miller.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
We’ve a bumper (of sorts) crop of (home) Premier League tickets up for grabs, including Southampton v Arsenal, Tottenham v Norwich and Sunderland v Aston Villa.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: the opening of Alan Shearer Way (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). It looks like Blackeye Rovers has been beaten to this by, rather surprisingly, Oman. Perhaps he played an important role in Muscat Rovers’ 1993-94 league title while on loan there” – Kevin Davey.
“Apparently Trafford council also wanted to open an Alan Shearer Way with promises about it winning ‘road of the year’ awards for years to come, but the house prices in Blackburn were slightly higher so they got the nod instead” – Adrian Foster.
“Re: Simon Mignolet doing a good impression of a seal trying to catch the rain (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Not sure why they would, I thought Seals couldn’t stand the rain” – Tom Cook.
“So, Gary Neville’s handing out iPads to his players to help with tactics (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), is he? Are we sure he’s not just getting them to watch Footy Pups on the iPlayer app? Not that I’m saying it wouldn’t help of course” – David Nagle.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Adrian Foster, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Samuel Eto’o has been named interim player-manager at Turkish side Antalyaspor. Which is as good an excuse as any to dig out his Small Talk from 2006.
Chelsea midfielder Cesc Fàbregas says the club’s players must start to justify their hefty wages. “If you are a big player and you are paid like a big player, you must play like a big player and behave like a big player,” he honked.
Litex Lovech have been booted out of the Bulgarian league after their players walked off in protest at the ref’s decisions against Levski Sofia last weekend. “It was the only possible decision according to [our] disciplinary rules,” blustered a BFU suit.
Good news for Leicester: Riyad Mahrez isn’t planning to do one in January. Less good news for Leicester: “It’s best for me to stay until the end of the season,” he cheered.
River Plate are into the Club World Cup final in Japan after a 1-0 win over Sanfrecce Hiroshima. “The atmosphere, and those fans came all the way to Japan from Argentina, really made me feel like we were the away team,” sniffed Sanfrecce coach Hajime Moriyasu of his team’s stayaway support.
And Bolton’s non-playing staff will receive their December wages as normal despite the club’s ongoing financial crisis.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Mourinho has the paranoia of Othello without the cultural isolation, the arrogance of Macbeth without the guilt, the self-absorption of Hamlet without the gift for self-satire, the madness of King Lear without the nascent humility. Or if you want to go seriously highbrow about it, he’s basically a 52-year-old Anakin Skywalker in the Phantom Menace. And God knows nobody wants to see that” – zing, zing, zing, Marina Hyde.
Meanwhile, David Squires on … a Chelsea carol.
Derby County manager Paul Clement chews the fat with Dominic Fifield.
Get in the mood as The Knowledge Christmas Special recalls football’s first festive riot.
Caitlin Murray bids farewell to Abby Wambach.
An excellent Forgotten Story of … Ulysses Kokkinos, Australia’s original playboy footballer, from Patrick Skene.
How Pumas, Mexico’s most interesting team, beat the odds and rose to success.
Is Greek football in crisis? Andy Brassell investigates.
Steve McClaren seems to have finally uncovered Newcastle’s backbone, writes Paul Wilson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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