What a show. What memories.
Weirdly, my most indelible memory is the lacy trousers Rosie wore when when leaving the villa. They were, to quote Wallace and Gromit, The Wrong Trousers.
Anyway, Jack and Dani deserved winners, so we don’t need to storm the palace. Top work everyone, and good night!
As well as being proxy mum and dad to the whole villa, right down to their non-physical relationship.
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Jani had this sewn up from the first few minutes of the first episode didn’t they? Somehow they’ve never been smug or annoying. Just utterly individually charming, and stronger together.
When do they do the orgy? Is that what ITV3 is for?
Flack’s Choice: Keep or split the 50k? As discussed, the lucrative post-show earning potential of this power couple mean the stakes are more non-existent than Adam’s moral compass.
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I haven’t been this shocked since the UK’s single night of cloud cover in a month coincided with the blood moon eclipse of the century.
Dani and Jack are the winners
And the Jack and Dani are…Dani and Jack! That is a turn up for the books.
Christ it’s still on
£50k is a book token compared to the amount of money these guys will be making once they leave, with club tours, Instagram posts and “book” deals.
Adam has already announced 61 dates fitting in multiple bookings on the same nights. Which doesn’t sound that different to his life before, in fairness.
The fact Dani calls her grandfather ‘Bruv’ and Danny Dyer calls his daughter “Mate” is the most confused thing I have ever heard of.
I love Dani not despite but because she is reminds me of the volume control on the TV being stuck at a slightly too loud setting
We’re seeing each other exclusively, whatever that means.” Laura.
Modern courtship is a Derridean nightmare of deconstructed terms and french letters isn’t it.
We need the Georgias, the drama school personality disorders of this world, to bring the juice.
Alternatively: he may just be a nice, stable person which is of course televisual death.
Does Britney Spears get royalties on Paul’s single anecdote? Imagine being stuck with him at a wedding table somewhere near the kitchen.
John O Donnell, I am aware of Jack and Dani’s rhyming slang connotations. But I have taken a super-injunction out on myself about mentioning it.
Flack taking a swipe at Oxbridge. “Wondering about where to apply? It really is a no brainer. ITV.com”
When they do a montage of the end of the western world I’m not denying that line might feature.
Flack is a sentient Hen Do groupchat called "Chicas xx" #LoveIsland
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) July 29, 2018
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Josh and a shout out to the Victoria Line. Metropolitan elite.
Do people like Caroline Flack? A friend of mine has pointed out that she ‘bellows her lines tonelessly’ and now I can’t unhear it. I am so intrigued as to what speed she actually walks in real life.
I’m getting serious John Legend/ Chrissy Teigen vibes from this Josh and Kaz interview.
3rd place are...Kaz and Josh!
I thought we just watched Megan and Wes’ villa journey? This is like Groundhog Day with sideboob.
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Whoever does Jack and Dani the prize money, it’s been a richly entertaining series. if only for Hayley’s speculation that Brexit would get rid of all the trees. To be honest, that sounds like our best possible deal at this point.
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Couple in 4th place is...Megan and Wes!
Only 90s kids remember these #LoveIsland pic.twitter.com/fkBzHvT7hR
— Gavin Lee Lewis (@GavinLee_lewis) July 30, 2018
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Votes are closed. The decision has been made. Let’s just enjoy some Twirl messaging first.
Missguided adverts are like exhausting Instagram stories that validate my decision to never leave the house.
Honestly, watching this is a reminder that Megan was essentially a sexual Loki at the beginning of this show. Not that there was much low key about her.
Do we think Alex sleeps in one of those sports car beds designed for children?
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Samira has got more time in this montage than she did in the entire run of the show and I am trying to wrap my head around the physics of that.
New Jack! I miss him so much. He was my favourite. Seriously, Sesame Street must be missing him because he was a capital G.
Is this recap of the past 50 weeks taking place in real time? Why did I watch all those episodes?
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Round up montage dominated by Adam. He was pondlife, but he DID bring more drama than a cycle of Shakespeare’s history plays.
Can’t believe Jack has given ‘Barbara in the office’ a shout out whilst summing up his Love Island journey. Is there a Barbara in every office? Do they come pre-installed like Internet Explorer?
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YES. Laura bringing the shade. ‘You have to kiss a few frogs. No offence to Wes.’
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That was meant to say pool, by the way. Got overtaken by events at a critical, scatalogical juncture. Apoologies
Not the salsa again. Make them retrieve coconuts in their pants or jump in the poo-
oh, they have.
To quote myself...”
Josh is an UNREAL public speaker.
You are an absolute sort.”
Jack to Dani. They are so pure.
I love how Dani started laughing uncontrollably when describing Jack as handsome in her vows. I can relate.
He has been getting more and more handsome every week, hasn’t he?
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Laura’s face during Wes’s vows that were meant for her. She is the Duckface of this Fourway Wedding (hopefully no funeral)
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Megan overcome with emotion during her speech.
I DO want Megan to be happy, but I ALSO miss Megan mach 1, a predatory ball of id working her way through the men in the villa like salmonella. Iconic.
Paul “Laura, you are a Scottish girl.”
Strong start.
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I really do want Laura to be happy. She is so gracious and pure (and a bit annoying). That was a lovely speech.
Caroline’s dress. Those are not tassels. They are more of a...valance?
Speaking of which, ever wonder what the US thinks of the UK? Now more than ever, I’m not convinced they think about us at all. We’re just their sad ex, who was too domineering in the relationship and then got pied into the sea.
HOWEVER I enjoyed this American perspective on our beloved villa:
Ps for every comment about how this is the death of the Guardian, I am going to send one pound directly to North Korea.
Directly BACS: NORTH KOREA
Is no one going to have an argument or try and steal Laura’s boyfriend? This may be the wrong episode to be live blogging.
Are they just all going to get married now? Always check the small print in your reality TV contracts.
Kaz and Laura and Megan look like Pantone mugs...you know, in a nice way.
The contestants are writing vows for each other.
All Jack has got so far is the word ‘Dani.’ If Rumi had written that, everyone would say it was lapidary genius. I say go with it, mate.
I feel like I’m beefing up like a burger”
Dani dipping into her pot of gold once again.
Eyal! My boy king! Prancing spirit of Pan! Why didn’t you astrally project yourself back into the villa, so you could get chirpsing again? Instead I have to try and figure out who Paul is, and where he wants to be instead.
Minda, you’re talking about Eyal. For whom I also had a soft spot, because his face was 100% Caravaggio. Turns out I’m a man of hidden shallows.
Paul has got one of those faces that looks angry and bored even even when he’s smiling. Who’d be good looking, eh?
Josh and Jack take joint bottom honours, despite their perky derrieres.
Love Island 2018 Summer Ball. They’re going to learn to dance. Hold me
Can’t wait to see who’ll be crowned this year’s Jack and Dani. The tension is knife-edge.
Finally the Beatles ‘Come Together’ reduced to the priapic-pun potential of its title, rendered in dirge-metal.
Odd beginning montage.
Babes. Hun. Here we go.
I quite like this Twirl advert. With the Midlands Elijah Wood slow-talker. Oddly charming.
Anyway, if there’s anyone tuning in tonight who hasn’t seen any of the series so far, you are:
- A bit odd
- Very welcome
Here’s a cheat sheet. You’ll be speaking la lingua villa faster than a commitment-phobic doctor in a red Ferrari:
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One of the most interesting things about Love Island isn’t watching it, it’s talking about it. The mechanics of tribalism, and how people pick a side.
I understand this website may be the last redoubt of Alex fans however. True/False?
Who are people’s other favourite contestants? Comment below, because I’m genuinely interested.
Before we begin, I must mark for the record how disappointed I am Alex isn’t involved in this final.
Not because I like him. But having endured Doctor Blancmange for what feels like fifteen months, I was looking forward to dismissing him.
Welcome to the Samsung Love Island final. Couple up with a Galaxy S9 and get involved!
Just kidding. This liveblog is sponsored by post-weekend fatigue and off-brand caffeine pills.
Cue water droplet rolling off a tanned shoulder. Cue house music. Cue judgmental remarks from co-workers who have never seen the show. That’s right, it’s the final episode of Love Island!
To chart the climax of the greatest show on TV/ death knell of civilization, depending on your preference, I’ll be live-blogging the whole thing right here, and would love you to be involved. There’ll be drama, disagreements, fashion disasters and the crowning of this year’s king and queen. Join me here for unfounded gossip, fond character assassination, and insightful comment, except not really that last one.
We’re cracking on at 9pm. Put on some tight white jeans, and see you then!
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