I like it when my tweets go viral because I am a big show-off. When you go viral you get new followers and when people such as Kathy Burke or Gary Lineker reply amazing things like "haha" I sparkle all over like I rolled in sequins.
Sometimes TV producers see the tweets and go "is this lady new and interesting?" and the answer quickly turns out to be "no" but the possibility that I am is intoxicating!
The flip-side of course is the Reply Guys. As soon as something goes viral your mentions are flooded with Reply Guys of all different species. "Sooz, what is a Reply Guy?" Thank you for asking, I was hoping you would. A Reply Guy is not a troll. They're not even troll-adjacent most of the time. A Reply Guy is not there to abuse, belittle or dismay, he (and it's usually a he but the lesser-known Reply Gal does also exist and when you see one, my how majestic they are!) is a benign presence. They see your humorous tweet and jauntily punch-up your joke by replying with a clumsy rewording, then pass it off as their own work.
They factcheck you, often completely unnecessarily. "I think that was 2003, not 2004" they reply to my s**tpost about men wearing bootcut jeans and pointy brown shoes. Sometimes they include a wink emoji.
They take a tweet extremely literally, to unbelievable degrees at times! Occasionally I am besieged by people with England flags in their usernames and pleasant-looking dogs for profile pictures. They tell me I'm ugly and that they would not have sex with me and I tweet, "I am devastated, I wanted to marry @BrexitMike82734214 but he won't bonezone with me!" A Reply Guy will then step in with "just ignore him, you're gorgeous". Sometimes they include a wink emoji.
Now, I say Reply Guys are benign but there is occasionally an (I have to assume unintentional) air of sinister about their offerings. Sometimes I receive replies from the Disgusting Reply Guys who think that the funniest thing to do is describe their various bodily functions. You're pooping and ejaculating are you, @SillyOldUncle353456? That's nice. By the way, Reply Guys are apparently not above DMing to ask for a date. Don't do that, babes 'n' huns.
My favourite brand of Reply Guy are the ones that take my general tweets extremely personally. If I'm having a laugh about, ooh I dunno, men wearing bootcut jeans and pointy brown shoes in 2004 (not 2003, 2004) the chances are, @stevecroydon1966, I wasn't attacking you, a person with 62 followers who I don't follow, directly. No, don't DM me for a date, Steeeeeve!
If you think this all sounds too salty and that I shouldn't BE on Twitter if I don't want replies, then you just thought the most Reply Guy thought of all! The majority of women on Twitter with a small following have a collection of Reply Guys who are benignly and irritatingly responding to 90% of her tweets 365 days a year.
Most people DON'T exhibit Reply Guy behaviour. And Reply Guy behaviour is not a crime! If you recognised any of my examples as similar to your own do not worry, just accept you're a Reply Guy, scamp! And if someone calls out your Reply Guy antics be aware that we ALL Reply Guy sometimes. Wink emoji.
