Theatre
Divine Proportions
What All the best things happen in damp, old railway arches around the back of Waterloo, don’t they? If getting through a play without snacks is an issue for you then the five-course banquet served up during this immersive, adults-only cabaret and theatre production – centred on lord of the sesh Dionysus – should impress.
Where The Vaults, SE1, to 12 January
Doris, Dolly and the Dressing Room Divas
What What’s Christmas without showtunes? This fringe hit returns to the Edinburgh stage to tell the stories of Doris Day, Dolly Parton, Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli and Julie Andrews. Full of songs, sass, seasonal heartache and great wigs.
Where The Rose Theatre, Edinburgh, to 16 December
Christmas Queens
What More sparkles than the Liberty Christmas shop, this decadent evening of drag will make you deeply aware of how drab your work do party frock really is. Hosted by Bob the Drag Queen, it will feature turns from Asia O’Hara, Blair St Clair, Eureka O’Hara, Kameron Michaels, Manila Luzon and Sharon Needles. Stunning.
Where Glasgow, Saturday 1; Liverpool, Sunday 2; Brighton, Monday 3; Belfast, Thursday 6; London, 8 December; Manchester, 9 December; Dublin, 10 December; Bristol, 11 December
Rob Lowe: Stories I Only Tell My Friends – Live
What Hollywood bae Rob Lowe’s acclaimed one-man show is based on his bestselling memoirs. The former Brat Pack-er talks West Wing, Parks and Rec as well as dad-life. We’re still miffed that he didn’t call it Friends in Lowe Places, but hey.
Where Royal Festival Hall, SE1, Saturday 1 December
The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain With Bells On
What At some point in 2006 – back when burlesque was still considered edgy – we reached peak uke. Twelve years later and the humble four-string has redeemed itself enough for us to want to hear carols and covers in a perfectly plinky-plonky style once again. You can even bring your own ukulele and pluck along from the comfort of the crowd.
Where Newcastle upon Tyne, Saturday 1; Southend-on-Sea, Tuesday 4; Harrogate, 21 December; Leeds, 22 December
Letters Live
What A thrillingly random bunch of quite famous people read out letters written by very famous people and make you wonder what the hell happened to penmanship. We look forward to Annoying Whatsapp Groups You Feel Too Self Conscious To Leave Live at some point in 2046.
Where Alexandra Palace Theatre, N22, Tuesday 4 December
Spymonkey’s A Christmas Carol
What Charles Dickens’s tale is bought kicking and screaming into the tail end of 2018 with this high-energy revamp from physical theatre company Spymonkey. Expect to be as knackered as the four-person cast will be by the end of it, hopefully thanks to all the riotous laughter.
Where Liverpool Playhouse, 8 December to 12 January
Dance
Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake
What The perennial fave – the classic tale of prince meets swan, swan falls in love with prince, everyone dies – was first given a modern twist by the king of contemporary choreography, Matthew Bourne, in 1995. Twenty-three years later, it returns to its original home of Sadler’s Wells.
Where Sadler’s Wells, EC1, Tuesday 4 December to 27 January
The Nutcracker
What If you’ve only heard of one ballet, it’s almost certain to be The Nutcracker. Peter Wright’s wistful version has been the Royal Ballet’s go-to since 1984, and with good reason. A night out in frosty Covent Garden watching this festive beauty will have you willingly wearing a Christmas jumper and requesting mince pies for every meal.
Where Royal Opera House, WC2, Monday 3 December to 15 January
Christmas at the Dancehouse
What Manchester City Ballet takes you through an en pointe megamix of the best seasonal soft-shoe shuffles. If your attention span won’t hold out for a whole ballet then this is the solution, with the Sugar Plum Fairy, Walking in the Air and even something from Frozen providing the soundtrack to the student company’s three-day (with a matinee on the Saturday) event.
Where The Dancehouse, Manchester, Thursday 6 to 8 December
RJC Dance: Still Blazin’
What Prepare to feel rather knackered and very much past your best as you watch the youth division of RJC Dance – the north’s leading black British dance organisation and National Diversity award 2018 nominees – celebrate 25 years of the company with the kind of zest, vim and vigour that only nine- to 19-year-olds are capable of.
Where Riley Theatre, Leeds, Friday 7 to 8 December
Wolfgang’s Magical Musical Circus
What Sure, it is billed as a family show, but you don’t need the excuse – or the annoyance – of dragging a five-year-old with you to enjoy the pratfalls, japes and tumbles of Australian contemporary circus company Circa’s hyperactive performance, joyfully set to the music of Mozart.
Where Barbican Centre: The Pit, EC2, 12 to 22 December
Hansel & Gretel
What Vicki Igbokwe’s Uchenna Dance company reimagines the classic Brother Grimm fairytale about a brother and sister who encounter a disagreeable witch. Igbokwe calls the show a “fearless dance adventure”, one that takes place via the mediums of African dance, waacking and voguing, over a score made up of original music from Ghana.
Where The Place, WC1, 15 to 24 December
Singalongs
Elf: Quote Along
What Let’s not focus on the Will Ferrell flick being a full 15 years old (OMG, we are old) and instead celebrate the fact that you can now mutter along to a movie in the cinema and no one will angrily throw popcorn at your head. There’s a pre-show mini-party and a costume comp too, so get yourself some yellow leggings pronto.
Where Prince Charles Cinema, WC2, Saturday 1 to 24 December
Rich Hall’s Hoedown
What Western shirt-wearing cowboy comedian Rich Hall mixes up barnstorming Americana tunes with a liberal dose of Trump-bashing. The country music/political comedy crossover you never knew you wanted.
Where Salford, Monday 3; Ulverston, Wednesday 5; Lancaster, Thursday 6; Worthing, 13 December
The Big Christmas Singalong!
What A yearly tradition, Brighton’s annual Choir With No Name concert features local homeless and marginalised people belting out the most rousing renditions of classic Christmas tunes this side of the Trafalgar Square spruce. Get involved.
Where Brighton Dome: Concert Hall, 13 December
Sing Sistah Sing! The Christmas Celebration
What A gleeful celebration of an African-American Christmas, singer Andrea Baker – alongside pianist Richard Lewis – offers up a festive version of her award-winning Edinburgh fringe show, Sing Sistah Sing! Smuggle in a flask of mulled wine and get cosy with some blues, gospel and jazz standards.
Where Rose Theatre, Edinburgh, 20 to 30 December
Sing With Santa!
What We can’t promise that the OG Santa will be in attendance, but this event comes direct from the Scottish wing of Massaoke – the masters of the en masse karaoke – so we can at least promise that it will be loud. It’s a family affair, presented in conjunction with the affable-sounding Be Bop Bairns, and features party games, a kids’ disco and face-painting, so all you need to do now is teach your toddler the words to Slade’s Merry Xmas Everybody.
Where Saint Luke’s, Glasgow, 22 December
Carols at the Royal Albert Hall
What It is not every day that plebs like you and I get to headline the Royal Albert Hall. Well, on Christmas Eve Eve and Christmas Eve we can, singing along with the not-to-be-sniffed-at likes of the Royal Choral Society, National Youth Choir of Great Britain, Royal Philharmonic Orchestra and Her Majesty’s Coldstream Guards. Plus there’s a new version of Silent Night by James Bond composer David Arnold to enjoy. Regal AF.
Where Royal Albert Hall, SW7, 23 & 24 December
Carol concerts
Albion Christmas Band
What Get down with your trad self at the Albion Christmas Band’s yearly celebration of Yule, with members of the Albion Band, Fairport Convention and Edward II getting gently pagan – and possibly even whipping out a hurdy gurdy. Like all the fun bits of The Wicker Man and none of the brutal burn-y bits. Sign us up.
Where On tour, 9 to 23 December; starting Gulbenkian, Canterbury
BBC Philharmonic Christmas
What Have the most Radio 2 night of the year, with the world premiere of the latest instalment in Craig Charles’s fantasy kids’ series The Scary Fairy Saves Christmas (with music provided by Iain Farrington), as well as jazz from vocalist Curtis Stigers and easily recognisable classical bangers, all helmed by presenter Angellica Bell.
Where The Lowry: Lyric Theatre, Salford, Wednesday 5 December
Glasgow Hospitals’ Christmas Carol Concert
What The 40th annual event, raising money for Clic Sargent Cancer Care for the Young, this is what Christmas should be all about: helping others and getting misty-eyed to O Come All Ye Faithful. The featured musicians are the Festival Choir of Craigholme School, Glasgow Chamber Orchestra and RSNO flautist Katherine Bryan. It is also conductor Ian McCrorie’s last concert, so give him a fitting send-off.
Where Glasgow Royal Concert Hall, Friday 7 December
Pull a Cracker With Brighton Gay Men’s Chorus
What The very definition of camp as Christmas, the award-winning Brighton Gay Men’s Chorus have got it all: razzle-dazzle, sweet harmonies, laughs and lovely waistcoats. This could bring a smile to even the biggest Scrooge’s face.
Where Brighton Dome: Concert Hall, 8 December
The Glory of Christmas
What The Thames Chamber Orchestra and the Choir of Christ’s College Cambridge bash out a couple of Bachs and a handful of Handels alongside readings from the big boys of literature – Shakespeare, Kipling and Dickens – before the main event: some carols the audience can holler along with.
Where St Martin-in-the-Fields, WC2, 13 December
Carols from the Cornish Diaspora
What Putting the party into PhD, this service stems from ethnomusicologist Kate Neale’s research into the music that Cornish communities took with them when emigrating to America and Australia in the second half of the 19th century. An emotive homecoming celebration for the music, the carols will be sung by local singers.
Where Truro Cathedral, 20 December
