It's started! Scroll down for live updates on ITV's new teatime rival to Paul O'Grady....
Not long to go, now, until ITV fires the latest shot in the teatime ratings wars. Guests on Sharon Osbourne's debut chatshow, imaginatively titled The Sharon Osbourne Show, will include Penny Lancaster and the Scissor Sisters. How will Richard and Judy cope?
The 5pm slot is a particularly sensitive one for ITV, having been previously filled by Paul O'Grady until his controversial departure for Channel 4. ITV will be hoping Osbourne brings a little bit of peaktime sparkle to daytime. But then that's probably what they thought about Top Gear's Richard Hammond, who endured a miserable time in the same slot.
Just so long as Osbourne does better than other teatime ITV efforts such as Crossroads and 24 Hour Quiz - remember that? - which sank without trace.
There's no doubting Osbourne's pedigree - she sparkled on the Osbournes on MTV and Channel 4, and is a rather more important ingredient of the X-Factor than, say, Louis Walsh. But can she carry a show all by herself? Find out here from 5pm.
It's started!
Celebrity guests, competitions, live music and the chance to have your say. It's the new 5 o'clock, says the presenter. And then there's a bumper ad for Gala Bingo with an annoying woman shouting. It's Sharon Osbourne!
She's got a dog. So far so Paul O'Grady then. It's got a studio audience. And it looks quite camp. I'm still struggling to spot the difference.
It looks like she's been rebranded "Mrs O." She's being very familiar. Or awfully amateur. Penny Lancaster! Woo-hoo! Debra Stephenson! Slightly less woo-hoo! And the "very sexy Orson". Haven't heard them.
Now it's time for some audience interaction. Have you had a good bank holiday, asks Sharon. Yeah, it's better than my Tuesday. Did you watch the X-Factor, asks Sharon. Ooh, and guess what, Edna is in the house (note for readers who didn't see it - she was in the X-Factor). Cross promotion? On ITV? Edna's very old.
And now, the first guest..
It's Debra Stephenson. Talking about Corry. Cross promotion - strike two!
You can tell Sharon's relaxed. She's sat with her legs crossed under her. Madonna eat yer heart out. Sharon's asking the question everyone wants to ask - what's it like working with Bradley Walsh? He's such a naughty boy!
It turns out Debra does impressions, so Sharon asks if she can do... Sharon. Ooh, Mrs O, you've surprised her! Actually it was quite good. Sharon is quite hard to impress. There follows a few video clips of ordinary punters doing Corry impressions. Strictly one for diehard fans I think.
First sign, now, of the teatime staple - the viewers' phone in. I think it's going to be called 'Sharon wants a word'. Hmm. And after the break, she'll be playing Cupid.
Back after the break...
Here's the first viewers' spot. Three people nominated by their friends to "find love" on the show. With friends like those, eh? Original idea, though. "Looks like a hit," says a voice over my shoulder. "Rubbish," says another over my other shoulder. Hmm.
Martin, the second contestant looking for love, looks terrified. Ooh, he hugs Sharon, the cheeky monkey! Hope Ozzy's not watching. He's probably in bed. The third love wannabe, Mariola, is giant! Give that woman her own show!
So how does it work? Viewers have to vote for one of the three to go on a date. Except we've only just met them and don't really care. And Sharon offends all her viewers north of the border by saying she "doesn't understand a word" of the Scots contestant. It's not a quick turnaround competition, though - if you want to save money on a phone vote, you can write a postcard.
And now, here's the feature to tug the heart strings. A lad with a blood disorder who was saved by a bone marrow transplant from his sister.
It's all about what people want at teatime isn't it? Celebrity stardust? Real life stories? Viewer competitions? My bet is it's a few laughs before putting the dinner on/going down the five-a-side pitch/finishing that 2,000 word feature you've been promising Chat magazine (that last one applies to freelance hacks only). And on that score I'd take Paul O'G over Sharon O so far. But then, I'd choose You Tube over both of them, if only I could get my broadband to work.
Here's the money shot - the family get a surprise present of a Playstation and a giant Pooh Bear. Ahh! Or is it arrrrrgggghhhh! I can't tell. We're halfway through - help yourself to a half-time orange. Or packet of Monster Munch.
She's back. Haven't seen much of the dog though. Almost as if it was a gimmick. What's smooth, long and makes women wince, asks Sharon. As well as something about a tape measure. No, it's not a penis, it's Penny Lancaster's legs, silly! They only have cocks on The X-Factor.
Ooh, Penny, haven't you got long legs, says Sharon. Bet she never heard that before. Were you raised in a grow bag? She doesn't ask that.
Oooh, there's another baby. It's Penny's. He's called Alistair. He's got a character like his daddy, apparently - and he's better at football. Hang on, here are some facts - Penny and Rod are getting married, and Penny is a photographer. She's got a calendar out. Stars and their dogs, you've probably seen it. But can you tell them apart?
Hang on, Sharon's got a challenge for Penny. She's got some dogs who look like celebrities. Can she tell which one? Penny's pretty quick on the draw, almost as if she's seen them before. That one looks like Ozzy! Haha. And there's Rod! Chortle chortle. Sorry for the delay, fell off my chair. And with that, Penny's gone.
Furry knickers
Here's the big one, it's "Sharon wants a word", and Debra's back. So how does it work? Someon's going to win £1,000. Sharon is going to ask a series of questions, and, er, the nine answers will spell the word 'underwear'. Got it? Hmm, I think so. It's a bit more complicated than Richard and Judy.
A bit too complicated, I fear. Name something furry, asks Sharon. Knickers, says the contestant. So Debra turns over the 'N'. No, Debra, that begins with a 'K'. Name something you ride, asks Sharon. A man, says the contestant. Ooh, naughty. Despite her all-round incompetence, she wins £500 and is going to spend it on her college fees. A PhD in spelling, presumably.
Richard Madeley's wheely bin
We're back. Did you see the X-Factor a couple of weeks ago, asks Sharon. Oh gawd. One day this show is going to have to stand on its own two feet. It's Edna, the elderly contestant who stood up to Simon! Woo-hoo! Unrelated fact: The X-Factor and the Sharon Osbourne Show are both made by Talkback Thames.
The audience certainly love Edna. Maybe she could be a regular, like Dame Edna's Madge, suggests one of my colleagues. Are you listening, Talkback? Ah, more X-Factor clips. I'm beginning to get confused. What show am I watching?
Momentarily bored, I switch over to Richard and Judy. "I know what I'm going to do when I get home tonight," says Richard. "I'm going to look under the lid of my wheely bin!" I switch back. Edna's finished. Is Sharon?
Crikey, and that's nearly it. Sharon's going out with a bang. It's Orson. The song's called No Tomorrow. Let's hope it's not a hidden message. No, I've checked Radio Times. It's on again tomorrow.
Marks out of 10? Crikey. Well if you like Sharon Osbourne you'll probably like it too. If you don't - she's a bit sickly for my tastes - you won't, coz the content is paper thin. Still, it is the first show, and I may not be the target audience. I'll give it six. But only because it's the first effort.
