Well, that wasn’t great, but it’s another point to add to the total. United had most of the ball in the first half, but offered very little after the break, while Palace were poor in the first 45 but improved no end, and looked dangerous from set pieces. It’s a second straight Premier League 0-0 for United, who look set to fall even further back behind Arsenal and Man City.
Thanks for reading – it’s been a pleasure. Goodbye.
Full-time: Crystal Palace 0-0 Man Utd
Just as we thought!
90 min + 3: It’s a waste by Puncheon. That’s almost it.
90 min + 2: Rojo is booked, slightly harshly. One last chance for Puncheon to get it in the box.
Thanks Michel Kok! He’s giving us answers. “Close up shop in Dutch? De bus parkeren (parking the bus).”
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90 min: Andy Hinchcliffe has just praised Ashley Young’s positioning, and that’s an excellent piece of defending to stop Zaha getting in. Palace corner, and just over the bar from Bolasie! Great ball in from Gayle, and Bolasie was in there with Delaney, but it actually came off Schneiderlin’s head, I think. Close!
Three added minutes.
89 min: Crucial block from Delaney on Martial! Lingard headed it back across goal, and it sat up nicely for Martial, but Delaney did very well to get in the way. Now Rojo and Bolasie collide again. Did Jones show a yellow to Rojo just then? Don’t ask me: I’m just doing this minute-by-minute.
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88 min: Rojo is down after tangling with Bolasie. If Mike Jones had any humanity, he’d blow the whistle now. Roy Hodgson, who grew up just down the road in Croydon, has had enough.
86 min: Schneiderlin is now sitting very deep in front of Smalling and Blind, presumably under orders from de bondscoach. What’s “shut up shop” in Dutch?
84 min: Everyone’s happy with a 0-0, I think. United haven’t been at the races in this second period, and Palace will be OK with a draw, I reckon.
81 min: Rooney’s ball in is cleared back to him, and he tries a shot from the edge of the box. It’s over: I think he sliced it.
80 min: A snide clip from Gayle on Young, and the Palace striker is booked. Cabaye is replaced by Mile Jedinak. Free kick United.
78 min: Final change for United: Jesse Lingard, who did well against City and Everton, on for Juan Mata, who has been quiet.
76 min: So close from Scott Dann! Cabaye’s corner was just hung up there, and Dann got up unmarked, but he couldn’t direct it on goal. Delaney was at the far post, but just couldn’t get a vital touch. Terrible marking from United, and now De Gea has to make a save from De Gea! Palace cranking it up!
75 min: Eek, that was one of those moments that looked on first viewing like a penalty: Delaney seemed to trip Herrera, but on replay, Herrera went down too easily. Delaney points the finger – he think Herrera dived, but it’s no card from Mike Jones.
73 min: Oh, so close from Cabaye! A long ball forward, and Palace shuttle it wide to Kelly, whose first-time cross finds Cabaye all alone in the box – but he pulls it wide! It wasn’t the easiest volley to cushion, but Cabaye is class, and he should have done better. He was unmarked.
71 min: Ashley Young gets free on the right to worry Martin Kelly, but he crosses it into Thornton Heath. Neither team really looks like scoring, to be honest.
69 min: United haven’t got it going in this second half, so a change of approach: Marouane Fellaini is on for Bastian Schweinsteiger. Let’s hope he’s sharpened those elbows!
67 min: Breaking news: Ashley Young is at right-back. Well, this could be fun! Twenty-odd minutes left. Anyone want to score?
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65 min: Foul on Joel Ward, and Palace can sling it in the box. Ashley Young is preparing to come on for United. The ball’s half cleared, and then Zaha does really well to get it back in. Palace have increased their threat level to, I don’t know, yellow, at least? I would say we’re at Defcon Three.
Change for United: Young on for Darmian, who looked at risk of collecting that second yellow.
64 min: Darmian has defended Zaha rather nervily these past few minutes. He’s on a yellow, remember. Bolasie, too, has suddenly perked up, and is giving Rojo a hard time on the opposite flank.
63 min: Bolasie did really well to go between Rojo and Blind, and fire in a dangerous cross. Darmian clears for a corner, but Gayle could have done better there: he didn’t really make a positive enough run to get on the end of it. Palace corner, but United clear without alarm.
61 min: Zaha is free at the back post, but completely misses his kick, and it’s out of play. Rather sums up this second half.
59 min: Kelly has gone over the left now: I guess Pardew thought he was having difficulty against Martial, and didn’t want him to get that second yellow.
58 min: Rooney can’t link up with Martial, but that was a tad better than United. Here’s a teaser for Man Utd fans: what’s Daley Blind’s best position? Tell me!
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57 min: Another foul – McArthur on Schweinsteiger – and everyone, including me, groans. Come on lads, light this fire!
54 min: It’s just got a little scrappy these past few minutes: United haven’t settled back into their passing rhythm.
52 min: Bolasie is wearing a brown headband, Eric Young-style. He’s been quite quiet after that first-half shot that hit the bar. Zaha goes at Darmian, and Darmian is late, and it’s yellow. Darmian will miss the next Premier League game.
49 min: Palace clear the corner.
Here’s Jishu Nair: “It’s just not sticking for Rooney” is the understatement of the season so far. I know that when you hit your 30s you’re not likely to be charging around ramming down centerbacks, but is this meltdown entirely Rooney, or LvG’s turgid system?”
For what it’s worth, I think Rooney’s decline is largely physical. He just doesn’t have the snap he used to. Compare him to, say, Ronaldo, who’s only about eight months older than Rooney, and the difference is stark. Ibrahimovic, too, got much better in his 30s, and Rooney’s going downhill fast, it seems. I hope I’m wrong! And he’s still great, but that moment earlier (31 min) was instructive, I feel.
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48 min: United break with Mata, Rooney and Herrera, and they force a corner. Good start, this.
47 min: Smalling gets much too tight on Gayle on the right touchline, and pulled the striker back as he looked to run in behind. Clear yellow, and Smalling doesn’t complain. Cabaye’s ball in, but United clear.
We're back
46 min: Palace get us under way. I hope someone scores!
Half-time: Crystal Palace 0-0 Man Utd
United with the bulk of possession, but Palace hit the bar with Bolasie early on. Not a great deal of action in front of goal, but it’s been decent enough. See you shortly.
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45 min + 1: Oh, that was a chance for Herrera! Martial, who looks a real threat down the left, got free from Mata’s pass, and picked out Herrera, but the Spaniard just can’t make proper contact. I think he slipped, too, but that was a real opportunity. That’s half-time.
45 min: Palace defend it with few alarms.
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44 min: Nicely worked short corner between Herrera and Mata, but Martial can’t quite collect Herrera’s low cross. Imaginative play, though. Again, Kelly trips Martial – careful now! – and Rooney will toss it in from the left flank.
43 min: Rooney and Herrera can’t link up on the edge of the box. Herrera’s been quiet today, and it’s just not quite sticking for Rooney, either. Corner to United, though.
41 min: Chance for Dwight Gayle! Cabaye won the second ball with a lovely cushioned chest trap, and then produced a fine through ball to Gayle, but the striker could only prod it tamely into De Gea’s hands. He went with the outside of his right foot, when he should probably have gone left. Great play from Cabaye, though.
39 min: It’s becalmed. Not much X-rated goalmouth action to speak of, but United are moving Palace around nicely.
38 min: Pardew is off the bench, effing and jeffing after Darmian was called for a clip on Zaha. It was an innocuous challenge by the touchline, but if Kelly was carded for the trip on Martial, then Darmian probably should have been too! It’s an anti-London football bias! Pardew, seething at the apparent injustice, is calmed down by fourth official Jon Moss, the Premier League’s top diplomat.
36 min: Dann, in the final third, tries an elaborate back-flick to release Zaha, with predictably hilarious consequences. United break, but Palace flood back to cover the danger.
34 min: Cabaye has got a cob on about something or other. He’s been booked, and he needs to cool it. United are on top here: after a dodgy first 15 minutes, they’ve monopolised possession. Palace can’t get anything going in attack.
31 min: Oh, what a chance for Rooney! Martial released him with a lovely through ball, but Rooney, unfortunately, looked like he was running through treacle, and Hennessey came out to get there first. Teenage Wayne would have gobbled that up.
On the subject of Wazza, Peter Harmon has a point: “A classic Rooney free-kick is surely one that’s slapped into the wall??” Wahay!
30 min: United have tamped down on Palace’s good start. Palace need some possession.
28 min: United take it short, and it’s wasted. Andy Hinchcliffe on commentary, who is excellent, by the way, doesn’t think much of short corners, and he should know: what a fabulous set-piece taker he was.
27 min: Kelly is slightly clumsy and late on Martial, but is that a booking? Mike Jones thinks so, to much bemusement from the Scouser. Free-kick to United on the left, but Martial should look to go at Kelly every time he gets the ball now.
25 min: Rooney’s free-kick … saved by Hennessey! Classic effort from Rooney, curling it over the wall from a centre-left position, but not enough pace or accuracy on it, and the Welshman saves comfortably.
23 min: United have pushed Palace back, and are dominant in possession. The hosts are finding it a little difficult to get out when they win it back, and United can build another attack.
Dann clips Mata, and this is a dangerous position.
22 min: Better from United, as Blind, Herrera and Schweinsteiger get on the ball. Mata finds Martial, but Kelly is solid. Actually, I made a stupid remark earlier – story of my life! – when I said Kelly was out of position at left-back: Kelly is at right-back, with Ward on the left. Sorry Martin!
Here’s Thabo Mokaleng: “Just like on their last visit to London, 15 minutes in and United are still finding their way off the team coach and only the home team have pitched up to play a game of football.”
19 min: Ack, that was a bad tackle from Yohan Cabaye on Schweinsteiger, whose head snapped back as the Frenchman scythed him late. Clear yellow, and now Cabaye must be careful when he harries and hassles. Rooney’s ball in from the left is overhit, but it caused Hennessey a little panic as it swirled and dipped right at the end. Goal kick, though.
16 min: Another fabulous ball in from Cabaye, but no one can get on the end of it. United finding life difficult at the moment.
John Galt has an alternative view: “Come on, Tim, that interview was comedy gold. I eagerly await the YouTube remixes.” Well, it certainly was cringe. But it wasn’t funny! He was behaving like an objectionable teenager, which, in my humble view, is rather unseemly for a 52-year-old.
13 min: A breathless couple of minutes. Bolasie was really unlucky with that powerful shot from a tight angle, but De Gea did brilliantly to get a hand on it. Top keeping! Then United’s travails at set pieces were apparent. If I were Scott Dann I’d be confident of making mischief this afternoon.
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11 min: Mata is high on Kelly, playing out of position at left back, and it’s a good position for Palace. Cabaye’s ball in is not properly cleared, and it falls to Bolasie on the right hand side … and it’s off the bar! It was a thunderbolt from Bolasie, from Dann’s clever chest pass, and De Gea got a vital fingertip to push in on to the bar and away. Then Dann’s header from the corner is tipped over! Palace really pressing here!
8 min: First good bit of possession from United, but Schneiderlin’s long ball for Martial is just a little overhit. Should be interesting to see how Schweinsteiger plays: against Arsenal he was so high in that midfield, pressing zanily, but he settled down against Everton, when I thought he was the best player on the pitch.
Wilfried Zaha. Photograph: Jordan Mansfield/Getty Images
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5 min: United fans are here in good numbers. I suppose it’s not too far to Selhurst from the Hertfordshire suburbs, is it. Zing!
Palace have sat pretty deep so far, but they’re quick to stream forward on the break. One or two nice moments from Zaha.
3 min: A moment of panic for United, but De Gea, hair looking resplendent, is alert to run out of his box and blam it clear.
A note on Bolasie: sometimes he looks great, but looks can be deceptive, and his record at Palace is really underwhelming, if truth be told: just eight goals in 120 appearances. Is he any good? Palace fans, let me know!
2 min: Zaha does well down the right and feeds Bolasie, who loses it. But Gayle wins it back after Darmian’s poor touch, and has a shot … straight at De Gea.
And we're off!
1 min: It’s a nice, sunny day at Selhurst. Let’s play football! United kick off in all white. Palace in red and blue, like Barcelona.
Palace’s last league victory over United was in 1991, incidentally.
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Anyway, enough about Chelsea. It’s about Palace and United today: we’re about seven minutes away from kick-off.
Oh my God, I just watched the post-match Jose Mourinho interview after that 3-1 loss. It was really embarrassing! The journalist – I didn’t catch who it was, I’m afraid – lobbed him a softball to start, and all Mourinho said was:
“I have nothing to say.”
So the reporter tries manfully to ask him all these questions, and he’s being respectful, and not goading him, but Mourinho just says:
“I have nothing to say.”
And again:
“I have nothing to say.”
Insufficient, idiotic, infantile. Someone at the club – Roman Abramovich, probably – needs to reprimand him. He’s being a jerk. I know he probably doesn’t want to talk to the press, and he’s in a bad mood, but it’s part of the contract of being a Premier League manager, and that’s disrespectful to everyone concerned. Bleurgh.
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Just a note on that United team: Daley Blind comes in for Phil Jones, who is injured, and Matteo Darmian returns at right back. Schweini and Schneidi continue as the midfield pairing, with Ander Herrera in that No10 role.
Dwight Gayle comes back from suspension for the Eagles, and Joel Ward is in at right-back for Adrian Mariappa.
Chelsea lose 3-1 at home to Liverpool
Unreal! Especially since Liverpool are, you know, not all that good. Mourinho looks seriously pissed. They’ve lost six of their first 11 games. Bring back Avram Grant! Or Ian Porterfield.
It’s all happening in west London, but what’s gonna down south? Man United go to South Norwood for a tricky looking game against a Palace side on the up under Alan Pardew. United were dreary in the derby against City last week, and could use a win here to keep pace with their noisy neighbours, who take on Norwich at the Etihad at the same time. But Palace are in decent form, despite a 1-5 reverse against City in the League Cup, and Yohan Cabaye is fit to pull the strings and make them tick. Palace have pace to burn on the counter-attack, and they could give Smalling and Blind some problems. It’s on! Kick off in about 22 minutes.
Just moving away from this one for a second, just take a look at what’s happening at Stamford Bridge:
Is it all over for Mourinho?
Team news
Crystal Palace: Hennessey, Ward, Dann, Delaney, Kelly, Cabaye, McArthur, Zaha, Puncheon, Bolasie, Gayle. Subs: Speroni, Hangeland, Bamford, Lee, Jedinak, Sako, Ledley.
Man Utd: De Gea, Darmian, Smalling, Blind, Rojo, Schneiderlin, Schweinsteiger, Mata, Ander Herrera, Martial, Rooney. Subs: Carrick, Young, Romero, Fellaini, Lingard, Andreas Pereira, Tuanzebe.
Referee: Mike Jones (Cheshire)
Hello and welcome
Ready for some white hot Premier League action? Me too! Let’s get started.
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