And with that, I’m off. Congratulations to Crystal Palace, who got a lucky break in the early moments and played perfectly from then on. And commiserations to Hull, who were much better in the end this season than many people predicted, but still significantly worse than necessary. It’s been, well, slightly disappointing. Bye!
With 17 Premier League games still to play, we now know the identity of the champions and all three relegated sides. Still, fourth place is still all to play for.
Now this is over, may I nudge you in the direction of Daniel Harris on West Ham v Liverpool:
Sam think this is the greatest of all his relegation-dodges:
I think because of the run-in, the size of the teams we had to play, this was the hardest. We’ve now not wasted the magnificent results we achieved. If you see what Arsenal have done since we beat them 3-0, it shows what we achieved. Now, in the last home game, what a way to finish in front of your own fans. It’s a great, great feeling.
Sam Allardyce is chuffed:
It’s a massive relief, that’s for sure. We all know the implications of relegation, and the devastation it causes to a football club. It’s a brilliant effort from the players today. Tactically we set out to nullify Hull City and really just expose them where we thought they were weak. They held a high line, so put an early ball in behind and that worked out for the first goal. Then from the corners. Then they’ve got to throw caution to the wind, so we said sit in, don’t give them any encouragement. We nullified all of that by allowing them all the possession they wanted but no chances, then they finally overcommit and we knock in a couple of goals at the end. So it’s a perfect performance.
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Hull City are relegated from the Premier League
Hull’s seasons since 2002-03:
Up
Up
No movement
No movement
Up
No movement
Down
No movement
No movement
Up
No movement
Down
Up
Down
Say what you like, it certainly hasn’t been dull.
Final score: Crystal Palace 4-0 Hull City
90+4 mins: It is over.
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90+3 mins: It is not now. Puncheon shoots over.
90+3 mins: Sam Clucas concedes a dangerous free-kick in shooting territory, and is booked for his pains. There are 20 seconds of stoppage time remaining, and if there’s to be a fifth it must be now.
90+2 mins: Palace fancy a fifth, but Puncheon shoots high from 20 yards.
90+1 mins: And Van Aanholt gets booked, for being happy with other happy people.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 4-0 Hull (Van Aanholt, 90 mins)
The ball bounces clear just outside Hull’s penalty area and, given that none of the defending players can really be arsed running towards it, McArthur does. He then slides in Van Aanholt, who sidefoots a shot low and hard between Jakupovic’s legs!
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90 mins: Feyenoord, I now feel duty-bound to tell you, are two up. They seem pleased.
.@Kuyt JAAA! DIRK DOET HET WEER!
— Feyenoord Rotterdam (@Feyenoord) May 14, 2017
De captain kopt op aangeven van Elia raak, het staat 2-0 binnen het kwartier!#feyher pic.twitter.com/Y5mSwc4GST
89 mins: Hull have, at least, made history. Bad history, sure, but history nonetheless.
13 - Hull have conceded 13 penalties this season, more than any other side in a single Premier League campaign. Nightmare.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) May 14, 2017
88 mins: Curtis Davies gets booked for something or other. Dawson was also booked for the foul that led to the penalty.
87 mins: Delaney’s first involvement is a very fine sliding interception which stops Grosicki being released in the penalty area.
87 mins: “Welcome, Fog of Inevitability!” trills Eamonn Maloney, presumably of the Palace persuasion, as Tomkins comes off, Delaney comes on and a variety of high-fives are enjoyed. “Bye, Mist of We’re Going to Balls this Up!”
GOAL! Crystal Palace 3-0 Hull (Milivojevic penalty, 85 mins)
Easy as you like! Jakupovic goes to his right, and the ball is gently sidefooted into the other corner.
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Penalty to Crystal Palace!
The home side break, Schlupp hares downfield and Dawson, trailing in his wake, brings him down in the penalty area. It’s a penalty, and nobody’s arguing.
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84 mins: Hull try to get the ball into the Palace penalty area, but those pesky Palace defenders keep heading the thing away.
81 mins: Meanwhile in Holland, where the title fight has gone down to the final day but Feyenoord need only to beat Heracles to take the pot, Dirk Kuyt has put them 1-0 up. It’s not entirely pertinent, but still.
80 mins: N’Diaye gets booked for pulling back Schlupp.
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79 mins: … they work the ball up the left flank, cross to the far post, and Benteke’s volley is off-target, and also a bit feeble.
78 mins: The ball falls to Elmohamady inside the penalty area, to the right of goal. He attempts a sidefoot back-flick to nobody, and Palace can break.
76 mins: Just 15 minutes remain, and Hull still have three goals to score. A fog of inevitability has settled over Selhurst Park.
74 mins: Andros Townsend is coming off, retired knackered, and Patrick van Aanhold replaces him.
73 mins: “How long do you think it’ll be before Real turn to Big Sam?” wonders Kelvin. “I personally think Ronaldo would benefit from playing for someone who knows how to use a target man.” I would love to see it. The resulting clash of egos would leave a mushroom cloud that would be visible from space. Still, Sam deserves his chance, does he not?
70 mins: Grosicki tries to pick out Maloney’s run into the penalty area, fails, and the cameras pick out his hands-on-hips, head-hanging reaction. Belief is ebbing here.
67 mins: And Palace nearly score it! Puncheon wins the ball and gives it to Zaha, who hits a lovely, long early cross to Beneteke, who volleys wide!
65 mins: Hull are pushing men forward, as they must, but leaving themselves wide open to Palace breakaways. A goal at one end or the other is surely coming.
62 mins: Palace make their first change, taking Cabaye off and bringing McArthur on.
61 mins: Hull are vaguely knocking on Palace’s defensive door here. Clucas swings the ball in from the left and Bowen should really have volleyed his team back into the game at the far post, but mishit it. Then Elmohamady sends a lovely dipping cross from the right towards the far post, where there is a defender, and behind that defender, another defender.
60 mins: But that’s not a bad effort! A cross from Emohamady on the right, and Clucas’s volley looked to be arrowing approximately goalwards until it hit a defender and bounced away for a corner.
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60 mins: So far in this game 100% of all attempts on target have gone in. Hull still have a zero in that column, obviously.
57 mins: Really a Hull win would have been the neutral’s choice result from this fixture. Perhaps, if they score in the next few minutes and get up a head of steam, it could still happen? It looks extraordinarily unlikely at present, but it’s a funny old game etc.
53 mins: Grosicki crosses low to Niasse, who should really have attempted a first-time shot but instead controls it poorly, falls over and the ball goes out for a goal-kick.
52 mins: Oooh! Grosicki curls in a lovely cross from the right, Hennessey comes for it and gets nothing on it, and Tomkins heads behind.
50 mins: Hull have made their third and final substitution, Curtis Davies coming on for Maguire, who twisted his ankle rather nastily as he slid in on Benteke.
50 mins: Palace work the ball from right to left, with Andros Townsend eventually skewing a drive wide.
48 mins: Maguire slides in to beat Benteke to the ball, but stays down. He is now receiving treatment, and looks genuinely troubled.
46 mins: The post-substitution reshuffle has seen, among other things, Clucas go to left-back. Earlier this season I saw him flail about hopelessly in that position as Watford’s Nordin Amrabat ran amok. This time he’s got Zaha, a much greater threat, to deal with. Frankly, I’m concerned.
46 mins: Peeeep! Palace get the second half under way.
Hull make a double substitution at half-time. Shaun Maloney and Jarrod Bowen are coming on, Andrea Ranocchia and Andy Robertson are off.
There have been two handball decisions that didn’t go their way. One, the Puncheon punch, has been previously mentioned. But also, Zaha elbowed the ball into his path in the moments before Palace won that corner.
Hull’s defending at corners gets funnier with repeat viewings. It looks like Evandro is assigned to simultaneously man-mark Christian Benteke, James Tomkins and Luka Milivojevic while all of his team-mates stand about. This, it strikes me, is not a viable plan. Though, at the corner from which Palace scored, he did a pretty good job on Milivojevic.
“Boy, Hull have been poor,” writes JR. “When your main tactic seems to be stealing yards on throw-ins it may be time to drop down a level.” They have been fine in midfield, but appalling both in attack and defence, and are getting what they deserve here.
Half time: Crystal Palace 2-0 Hull City
45+3 mins: The half-time whistle goes, and if Hull don’t score at least three times in the second period, without further concession, they are down.
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45+2 mins: Palace play the ball down the right. Benteke is left free to jog slowly onto it, turn and assess his options. He then passes back to the edge of the area, where Cabaye has been left free to run unto it. The shot flies over, but Hull are in dire need of half-time, a break and some remotivation. And also a miracle.
45+1 mins: Puncheon trades passes with Zaha and gets into the area, and for a moment it looks like Palace might end the half as they started it, but this time Puncheon defends the situation pretty well. At the expense, though, of a corner.
45+1 mins: Into stoppage time we roll, and there will be at least three of them.
43 mins: “Zonal marking is great in principle,” writes Hugh Molloy. “So is communism.” It’s not great even in principle, though. At the very least, combine a few zonal markers with some kind of due attention to the opposition’s most dangerous attackers. To go into this game with a plan that involves giving Benteke a free run on corners is idiotic, and negligent.
41 mins: And a third yellow card, Puncheon deliberately tripping N’Diaye in midfield.
40 mins: Another booking, this time for Andy Robertson for bringing down Zaha.
39 mins: Now Palace are close to another, but Benteke is just offside when played in at the end of a break, and his shot is saved anyway.
37 mins: Grosicki sends in the free-kick, and it heads down the middle of a two-man wall that had split apart amenably. Puncheon, one of the wall-men, lives up to his name, sticking out his right hand and punching it behind – it should have been a penalty, but the referee’s view was blocked by Puncheon’s body.
37 mins: Hull attack down the left, where Niasse rides one wild sliding tackle so is taken out by another. They have a dangerous free-kick on the left, and Yohan Cabaye has a yellow card.
35 mins: Hull just can’t defend a corner. That’s sub-Championship-level set-piece preparation.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 2-0 Hull (Benteke, 34 mins)
Another corner, another cross, a free run and an unimpeded leap, and Benteke heads down and in!
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34 mins: A promising attack from Palace, Zaha toying with Robertson on the right before laying back to Ward, who chips a cross into the penalty area that Dawson heads away in a dangerous area.
31 mins: Hull have got nowhere near the Palace goal so far. Now Clucas lifts an optimistic, straight ball into their penalty area, but Niasse can’t get anything on it and it bounces through to Hennessey.
28 mins: Hull get into Palace’s penalty area, but there are enough defensive bodies to discourage a cross so the ball is played back to N’Diaye, who blasts a 25-yarder over the bar.
25 mins: Both teams have a go at attacking. Niasse gives the ball away at the edge of one area, and then a few moments later Zaha’s poor control gives it away at the edge of the other. Meanwhile, I did not see this. I want to see this:
5 Live reports that the eagle at Selhurst Park "almost took Big Sam's head off" pre match. If that's not on MoTD I want my licence fee back.
— Owen Gibson (@owen_g) May 14, 2017
22 mins: Another spell of Hull possession ends with Robertson’s poor first touch, which allows Palace to break. In the end Zaha’s through-ball to Milivojevic is overhit.
19 mins: Hull have had 66% of the possession so far, the ball has been in Palace’s half for the vast majority of the opening 19 minutes, but still Palace have scored one and nearly another. This is both encouraging and wildly discouraging for the visitors.
16 mins: Benteke concedes a free kick, which Hull send into the mixer, and Palace send back out again. “Despite Big Sam’s ominous pre-match chit-chat, this has been everything a relegation six-pointer should be so far: end-to-end, full of energy, two teams going all out for a vital win,” writes Matt Loten. “And, of course, a moment of comic incompetence to sum up exactly why these clubs are where they are.”
14 mins: Hull work the ball down the right, but when Maguire gets to the byline Puncheon just steps in front of him and ushers the ball out of play. Good back-tracking there from the Palace armband-wearer.
10 mins: Palace nearly score a second! This time it’s from a corner on the right, and Hull line up exactly as they did against Sunderland last week, when their defensive positioning from corners proved fallible and was roundly criticised. Tomkins is the first to it, but heads back across goal and just wide.
8 mins: And Harry Maguire has their second, chesting down a left-wing cross beyond the back post and then volleying it wildly over the bar.
7 mins: Sam Clucas has the visitors’ first shot, but it’s from distance and not very good. Hennessey picks it up.
6 mins: Hull have actually made a reasonable start to the game, that moment apart. The ball has spent most of its time in Palace’s half. Still, they’re in a deep and foul-smelling hole now.
7 - Wilfried Zaha has netted seven Premier League goals this season, more than in all his previous campaigns combined (6). Blossom.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) May 14, 2017
3 mins: From a throw-in the ball bounces infield and Andrea Ranocchia swings his right boot to clear, not exactly under no pressure but certainly uncontested. He misses it completely, and Zaha is suddenly clean through on goal, and his finish is firm and confident.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 1-0 Hull City (Zaha, 3 mins)
What a start for the home side! And what a horrible mistake by Ranocchia!
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1 min: Peeeeep! Hull get the game started!
The players are no longer in the tunnel. Indeed, they’re almost ready for a game of football. Deep breath now. These are big moments.
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The players are in the tunnel. Jason Puncheon is carrying his own daughter, dressed in full Palace kit with the name “DADDY” on it. At least I assume it’s his own daughter.
You would kind of hope that former Crystal Palace winger Yannick Bolasie might be interested in how his one-time employers are getting on in their win-or-possibly-bust match this afternoon. Instead he’s currently engaged in a live Facebook-based Q&A. Bah.
Don’t you worry about a thing. Everything’s going to be alright.
"Three Little Birds" playing over the Tannoy...
— Dominic Fifield (@domfifield) May 14, 2017
Sam Allardyce says they’re going for a bore draw today. He didn’t say that in so many words, but he kind of hinted at it. He spoke pretty quickly, but these are the words of his that I managed to get down:
I think it’s the same as ever for me. The emphasis to win is always the starting point but if you can’t do that make sure you don’t lose. One of the reasons we’re in this position is that we’ve lost the last three games when if we’d picked up a point it would have been different. When you’re playing at home, last home game of the season, you try to entertain but you must work really, really hard when you lose possession to try to get back in and not leave the massive spaces we left against Man City.
I’m not the world’s greatest audiophile, but surely this is a really silly way to listen to music? Surely if you need both headphone and hood, the headphones need to go on first?
“Death at a funeral has just started on Australian TV,” writes Phil Withall. “Seems rather apt for this match.” I feel almost guilty to be stresslessly excited about this game in the knowledge that someone’s going to be mourning in a couple of hours.
Here’s the official team sheet, from which we learn that the two teams combined include only five players with single-figure squad numbers. This seems unusual to me, even in this day and age:
📷 | Today's official teamsheet #CRYHUL pic.twitter.com/sd5pN04NGq
— Hull City (@HullCity) May 14, 2017
Marco Silva says:
We will play like we normally play. We won’t change too many things. This is one game we must attack, more than the other opponent. We need to attack, we need to score, but we play always with a good balance. They are very strong in the counter-attack, so we need to attack but always a good balance. Some of these [away] games, we had very good performance. Of course the results is not the best. We try not to concede goals in set pieces, and maybe these types of games are decided in these moments. This is a big game with pressure for both teams, and good emotional balance is important as well.
The teams!
Tomkins and Cabaye return for Palace, and Hull bring back Dawson:
Crystal Palace: Hennessey, Ward, Kelly, Tomkins, Schlupp, Cabaye, Milivojevic, Puncheon, Zaha, Christian Benteke, Townsend. Subs: Speroni, Van Aanholt, Flamini, Campbell, McArthur, Sako, Delaney.
Hull: Jakupovic, Maguire, Ranocchia, Dawson, Elmohamady, N’Diaye, Clucas, Robertson, Evandro, Niasse, Grosicki. Subs: Davies, Huddlestone, Elabdellaoui, Maloney, Mbokani, Marshall, Bowen.
Referee: Martin Atkinson.
Hello world!
Well, isn’t this a rather fine mess? Crystal Palace have just released their season highlights DVD, which you can have the pleasure of viewing below:
But will their season end with them disappearing arse-first down a collapsing chimney? Will they get semi-comically clonked around the head by a builder with carrying a plank on his shoulder? Or will they summon one final fine performance to relegate Hull City, who should have been relegated many moons ago but remain a couple miracles short of salvation, this afternoon? Time alone will tell, and not much of it either, but for the neutral this is surely the most beautifully-balanced relegation 12-pointer for many a long year.
Hold on, we have team news coming over the wires even as I type!
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Simon will be here shortly. In the meantime, here is Dominic Fifield’s piece on the 1992-93 season:
Sam Allardyce had anticipated a difficult week. He had to rebuild confidence after a five-goal drubbing and in liaison with an overworked medical department piece together a defence to secure survival from Crystal Palace’s massed ranks of walking wounded. Yet, with the situation already tense, he probably had not envisaged his onerous workload playing out to regular and unnerving references to all things Oldham Athletic.
At first mention, Palace’s manager of almost five months must have been perplexed at the apparent relevance of a distant club languishing in League One but there are enough figures down at the Beckenham training ground who remember. Former players turned coaches such as Richard Shaw or figures around the club such as Eddie McGoldrick. For anyone with a long association with Palace, Oldham 1993 is still the stuff of nightmares. Had anyone mentioned it to him? “Yeah,” Allardyce said. “Too many.”
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