SICK
Spare a thought for Alexis Sánchez. As if feeling poorly on a Friday wasn’t bad enough, the pint-sized Chilean is almost certainly having to contend with the din created by assorted planes, chartered by concerned Gooners, making a racket as they fly back and forth over his house trailing “Get well soon” banners and dropping medical packages containing Lucozade, grapes, Beechams Honey & Lemon and unsigned four-year contract extensions.
You could certainly be forgiven for thinking that might be the case, given the frenzy of speculation prompted by a couple of snaps he posted on social media last night. In them, the playmaker looks like a bad jobbing actor playing a bloke who’s had an accident that wasn’t his fault, but who hasn’t yet heard the voiceover telling him about all the personal injury lawyers who are desperate to help him with his claim.
Radiating the kind of good health the Fiver hasn’t experienced for over a decade despite being slumped on the floor with only the base of his sofa and an equally glum-looking golden retriever for support, Sánchez is wearing a thick scarf indoors and has his lower lip protruding in the classic sulky toddler style for added effect. And the caption on this literal picture of one man and his dog misery? “Sick”.
While no further details of Po’ Alexis’s condition had been released at the time of writing, the publication of this selfie has prompted the kind of wild and frenzied speculation among football fans that increasingly causes the Fiver to despair for the future of humanity. Interpretations vary, with some Arsenal fans taking the snap at face value and hoping their man’s suffering from nothing worse than a bit of man flu, while everyone else has leapt to the conclusion that he is laying the groundwork for that tricky Sunday morning phonecall when he’s due back at training. We’ve all made it – that one where, croaking pathetically for effect, you use what you hope sounds like your last breath to say you’re too ill to come in to work. Then stay home until it’s time to sign a £400,000-per-week contract to go and work for somebody better.
While the Fiver is not suggesting for a moment that Sánchez is being anything other than genuine in his diagnosis, it is worth noting that he has form in the field of over-exaggerating ailments on social media. After Arsenal’s win over Leicester in April, he posted a picture of a horrific mouth injury (translation: barely discernible abrasion) he’d suffered at the elbows of those ruffians from Leicester. By way of reply, Robert Huth prompted plenty of giggles by seeing Sánchez’s fat lip and raising it an ever so slightly skint knuckle.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You see Middlesbrough spending £7m on [Ashley] Fletcher. Me, like a pillock, am ringing up about trying to take him on loan” – Ipswich manager Mick McCarthy, ladies and gentleman.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“Catching up on podcasts, I was listening to an obituary of Chuck Blazer. Apparently he was known as ‘Mr 10%’. He was truly a football man” – Darren Leathley.
“Similar names theme-esque (Fiver letters passim). Used to work with a guy called Dominic. His girlfriend at the time was Domique. Thus they were referred to as Dom & Dommer” – Steve Innes.
“Daniel Doody(s)’s statistically underwhelming contribution to the Name Game (Fiver letters passim) concealed a far more remarkable vagary; a Fiver reader who still gets invited to parties” – Andy Fawcett.
“May I be the first of 1,057 to ask Daniel Doody(s) if there were five Daniels, four of whom were dating, who was the odd Dan out?” – TVA.
“Daniel Levy makes a good point about the problems of inflation in the transfer market. However, it would be easier to take seriously his concern about the excesses in football if Spurs supporters were not being asked to pay more to watch their team in future so that their new stadium could incorporate a luxury cheese bar” – David Wall.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Innes.
BITS AND BOBS
Neymar’s doing well to keep himself in the news, isn’t he? Wonder why that is. His latest wheeze is to get himself involved in training ground stramash, welcoming new signing Nélson Semedo to the club with a good old-fashioned square go.
Transfers, get ya transfers! Newcastle have signed Borussia Dortmund midfielder Mikel ‘Wool’ Merino on loan, Gareth Bale’s Mr 15% has commented on the Rumour Mill’s (among others) “irresponsible journalism” and Chelsea might be keen on Bayern’s Renato Sanches.
England’s women are through to a quarter-final with France after beating Portugal at Euro 2017, and remember, you can keep up to date with scores, fixtures and standings in our interactive.
Joey Barton is cross. Which, admittedly, doesn’t narrow things down enormously, but he’s specifically cross that the suits at City Hall/the FA have banned him from playing in a charity match for the Grenfell victims.
Jermaine Pennant, 10 years ago a Champions League finalist, has found a new home after his release by Bury, with big-spending Isthmian League outfit Billericay Town.
In an effort to curb Tony Pulis’s wildest creative excesses, West Brom have appointed Gary Megson as their new assistant manager.
Fizzy Energy Drink FC’s Ralf Rangnick tried to explain his questionable comments about Naby Keïta and villages in Guinea, but alas merely picked up a trowel and is now halfway to the Earth’s core.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Simon Burnton has donned his tin hat and thrown anything with an internet connection into a pond after picking his best XI from the Premier League era. And yes, the comments section is open for business.
Simon has been busy, here’s a Forgotten Story, and it’s a good’un. This one is about Fred Spiksley, who sounds like a lively character: a winger, an unappreciated coach, a film star and a prisoner of war.
Jamie Jackson’s been having a smashing time with Manchester United in America, and he came up with a few talking points from the games they’ve been fitting in among the fun.
Remember when players used to make a big stink by moving between Serie A giants all the time? Dan Cancian does, and he’s here to tell you about a few of them.
QUIZ! QUIZ! QUIZ! Who thinks losing is a good thing? Why has Fatih Terim been given the ol’ tin tack? What’s Diego Costa been filling the hours with?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
