Fans of Bert Kreischer are probably familiar with his most famous stand-up routine, a yarn about a college trip to Russia in which a night of drinking with Russian gangsters led to him robbing a train to steal a pocket watch. Nearly a decade ago, the comedian told that story to Joe Rogan, who advised him to start putting that in his act, and now The Machine, a dramatized version of the tale, is in theaters. The reviews are in, so let’s see if even those unfamiliar with the standup routine should give it a shot this weekend.
In addition to Bert Kreischer playing a fictional version of himself, The Machine stars Mark Hamill as Bert’s father, Albert, and Iva Babić as Irina, a Russian mobster. The movie is set mostly in Russia, after Irina drags Bert and Albert across the world to recover the watch he stole 20 years ago. Let’s see what the critics have to say.
Joshua Kristian McCoy of GameRant rates the movie 3.5 out of 5 stars, saying that fans of the comedian are likely to love this movie, but those who find him annoying aren’t going to have their minds changed. McCoy continues:
The Machine is considerably better than it needs to be. Anyone could've made a feature-length dramatization of the original stand-up routine, but this film combines that idea with a stronger exploration of Kreischer's career and public image. There's a recurring gag or two that doesn't work, but it hits more often than it misses. Throw in a couple of outstanding performances, some unique action cinematography, and a lot of heart, and The Machine earns its title.
Carla Hay of Culture Mix finds none of that heart or any other redeeming qualities in The Machine, calling the movie “a complete failure in every single way,” arguing that it never should have gotten made. The critic continues:
The Machine has no creativity, no style and no charm. It stumbles around in repetitive scenarios and spews out deeply unfunny ‘jokes’ that sound like ideas that would be rejected at low-rent comedy clubs. Kevin Biegel and Scotty Landes wrote the putrid screenplay for The Machine, which is proof that if you throw enough money around, untalented garbage can be made into a terrible movie. The Machine also has very unimaginative stereotypes of Russian mobsters. These lazy clichés quickly become tiresome.
Back on the other end of the spectrum, Alex Maidy of JoBlo rates it a “Great” 8 out of 10, calling the star of the movie “hilariously awesome” in the blend of his iconic stand-up routine and a “John Wick-esque action extravaganza.” Maidy says:
I had a blast watching The Machine. Fans of Bert Kreischer will be very happy with this continuation of his original story, which is gloriously violent and profane. Mark Hamill is perfect as the senior Kreischer, while Iva Babic will hopefully garner a lot of projects based on her turn in this film. The Machine resembles John Wick‘s innovative action, Borat’s European humor, and Bert Kreischer’s irrepressible charm. If throat punches and drop-kicked dogs are not up your alley, steer clear. Everyone else, down your drinks and get ready because The Machine is the real deal and deserves to be watched in a theater full of fans ready for big-screen comedy.
Christian Zilko of IndieWire, however, grades it a C-, admitting that pre-existing fans of the Van Wilder inspiration and McDonald’s aficionado will love the film, but anyone hoping for substance would “be better off just reading the nutrition facts on their Junior Mints box.” Zilko writes:
The Machine really goes off the rails when it tries to turn itself into an action movie. The blandly violent fight sequences are only watchable because Hamill gets the occasional opportunity to show off his dorky-dad-on-cocaine schtick between punches — at one point he gleefully refers to himself as ‘Molly Parton’ after enjoying a bunch of drugs. Kreischer eventually realizes that he has to get drunk and take his shirt off if he wants to save the day, a conclusion so painfully inevitable that you’ll curse yourself for sitting through the 90 minutes it takes him to get there.
Jesse Hassenger of The Guardian rates it 2 out of 5 stars, saying a few stray jokes land, but The Machine overall has an astonishing lack of laughs. The review reads:
The Machine is as surprisingly stylish as it is surprisingly unfunny. The final and grimmest surprise is how the movie attempts to give Kreischer some therapeutic growth, premised on an eventual hogwash revelation about a comedian serving as a de facto protector of the people. Expecting audiences to cheer with excitement as Kreischer guzzles vodka and becomes an unstoppable fighting machine is bad enough; hoping that they’ll take away some valuable life lessons about balance and being yourself seems an awful lot like denial.
The bottom line seems to be that this movie is for fans of Bert Kreischer, particularly those who especially like the famed standup routine this movie is based on, and that sentiment seems to be reflected in its Rotten Tomatoes score as well. Holding a 29% rating from just seven critics’ opinions, The Machine holds a 96% Fresh audience score that has more than 100 submissions.
If this action comedy sounds like it’s up your alley, The Machine is in theaters now, and be sure to check out what else is hitting theaters soon with our 2023 Movie Release Schedule, including some big releases between now and Labor Day.
