KOEMAN SOON
Although England fans who followed the fortunes of the side managed by the late and lovely Graham Taylor may have forgotten over time, Ronald Koeman was once a very good football player. The Dutchman could strike a free-kick as well as he could surreptitiously tug a shirt and made 264 appearances for Barcelona. A younger generation of English football fans will remember him for two decidedly underwhelming management spells at Southampton and Everton, before he rehabilitated a flagging career by transforming the worst Dutch team in the Fiver’s admittedly addled memory from a fractured and unseemly rabble into a far more cohesive footballing unit.
The Netherlands national team will now have to do without their saviour as he has departed to take up the managerial cudgels at Barcelona. By his own account it is his “dream club”, even if the situation into which he is walking is the stuff of nightmares. As a former player and manager with the Netherlands, Koeman will be no stranger to dressing-room discord and he will need all his skills as a diplomat to sort out the mess in which the club finds itself from the very top down. And, as those who remember the time he created an international incident by pretending to wipe his backside with Olaf Thon’s Germany shirt will recall, diplomacy has not always been Koeman’s strong suit.
“Everyone knows that Barcelona is my dream club,” he told the Dutch Football Association’s website. “It feels very special to me to be able to become a coach there. It was an honour to be the national coach of the Netherlands. Over the past two-and-a-half years, I have done everything I can to achieve success. I look back with pride on what we have achieved together in that period. The Dutch national team has a bright future, I am convinced of that.”
The brightness of Barcelona’s future looks rather less assured, although Koeman has been told Lionel Messi will be staying put even if the player himself does not appear to have provided any such guarantees. Facing a massive overhaul of an apparently anarchic squad of geriatricos, Koeman has been given a two-year deal, which hardly inspires confidence. Not least because, a coaching miracle aside, he is expected to last no longer than the time it takes whoever succeeds Josep Bartomeu – in the wake of the club’s presidential elections next March – to show Koeman the door and replace him with Xavi. No pressure, Ron.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“After I’d seen his development, I wrote to him directly to send me the exercises he was doing! I tried that myself when I thought I needed more muscles. However, I could hardly move afterwards! He gained a few pounds, but has not lost speed and agility” – Roman Neustädter, a former teammate of Leon “Gun Show” Goretzka while at Schalke, is impressed with the latest merchandise.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest Football Weekly will be in this general direction.
FIVER LETTERS
“The AI is on to you all! I opened my inbox this morning and found no Fiver. “Have I fallen off the list?” I joyfully opined, thinking I’d dodged one there through dumb luck, but no. The clever algorithm had recognised the Fiver for the toxic nonsense it is and filed it in the ‘trash’ folder. The machines are catching up with you, Fiver, your end is nigh, and I, for one, welcome our new robot o’erlords!” – Unsigned [possibly a robot – Fiver Ed].
“Based in the States and having grown up here, I normally skip over the various Fiver jargon as adorable local idioms that I have no right to understand, not being from Manchester or Norwich or wherever. However, I just couldn’t get past this beauty: “all the romance of a drunken post-pub knee-trembler up against a bus shelter”. So, I have to ask: “taking a piss?”, “throwing up?”. Both or either?” – Dave Wilbur.
“Re Barry raging against the dying of the light regarding R.B. Leipzig. Maybe readers would be interested in some facts? [Rafa, is that you? – Fiver Ed] When Lord Ferg retired RBL were in the equivalent of the old fourth Division. Since then RBL have spent £291m - an average of about £40m a year. Net spend is £161m, less than half Bayern’s spend. How much have Man Utd spent in that time? RBL’s squad was valued at £565m. They are doing something right” – Geoff Saunders.
“I think Pep’s greatest crime isn’t not advancing out of the quarters of the big cup, but that he regularly makes football pundits sound insane. On the Football Weekly podcast for instance, I’ve heard that he doesn’t quite have the defensive personnel he wants (he’s been there for four years!) to the idea that he’s just not that interested in defending (in fairness, his defenders seem equally indifferent to him). At least we got a decent curry recipe out of all this madness. Thank you Barry!” – Jason Graff.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dave Wilbur.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Thomas Tuchel, the maverick, has praised his PSG side for thrashing RB Leipzig in Tuesday’s Big Cup semi-final. “We are here to play the final and win it,” he wisecracked.
Meanwhile, French police arrested 36 PSG fans as they celebrated their team reaching the final. “We have to avoid gatherings in the street,” said French Sports Minister Roxana Maracineanu.
Chelsea and Kai Havertz: chapter XVIII.
Arsenal have agreed a deal with Lille for Gabriel Magalhães worth around £22m, although Napoli are still sniffing around to ‘do a Real Sociedad’.
Jeff Hendrick has been added to the Newcastle midfield, having been released by Burnley before Restart Project Restart. #cans
STILL WANT MORE?
Our latest Women’s Big Cup preview sees six-time champions Lyon take centre stage, plus here is the lowdown on part-timers Glasgow City.
How Bayern’s Joshua Kimmich became the new Philipp Lahm, by Andy Brassell.
Here’s Paul Doyle on Marcelo, and how he went from pariah to Lyon’s rock at the back.
Ángel Di María was the true aristocrat as PSG blazed into the Big Cup final, roars Barney Ronay.
Meanwhile, Adam White asks: are PSG the real deal?
Qualifying for the Euro Vase and Big Cup with a negative goal difference, teams with symbols in their names, and tournaments that start before they finish feature in this week’s Knowledge.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
