Imagine if someone had grabbed you by the shoulders two years ago and told you that, by the end of 2016, Britain would leave the EU, David Cameron would resign, Leicester City would win the Premier League and Donald Trump would be president-elect of America. You would have laughed in their face, wouldn’t you?
But imagine if you hadn’t. Imagine if you had ran to the bookies instead, and put all these events on an accumulator. You’d be a billionaire by now. So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to predict a load of unlikely events for 2017 and you’re going to bet on them. When they come true, as at least three statistically will, we’ll split the winnings and retire early. Deal?
January
○ Kanye West performs at Donald Trump’s inauguration.
○ Donald Trump withdraws from the presidency on the morning of the inauguration.
○ Lightning strikes as soon as Donald Trump begins his inaugural address.
○ Barack Obama locks himself in the Oval Office and refuses to leave.
○ Dogs can talk now.
February
○ Suicide Squad wins 12 Oscars, including three that were invented just for Suicide Squad.
○ Barry Chuckle is voted president of Turkmenistan.
○ All living musicians who ever had a number one album die on exactly the same day.
○ Nigel Farage grows his moustache back, starts going by the name Rodriguez.
○ David Cameron releases a novelty single.
March
○ Article 50 is triggered, and the pound devalues so quickly that people start trading paracetamol for currency.
○ Article 50 is delayed because Jean-Claude Juncker sings Don’t You Forget About Me in its entirety on Theresa May’s voicemail.
○ A meteorite hits Earth and wipes out most of Asia. By lunchtime, 13 LOLsy meteorite parody accounts have been created on Twitter.
○ Mike Pence travels to France and proposes banning ‘la’ in favour of the more masculine ‘le’.
○ Katie Hopkins writes a column saying that only foreign people go to the toilet.
April
○ Thanks to a miracle of cloning technology, all five guests on Question Time are Nigel Farage.
○ Donald Trump begins a press conference by saying “They say that Chinese people eat babies. I don’t know. I don’t know”.
○ Michael Gove uses the word “peng” in a tweet.
○ Adele releases a new song about the time she lost a peeled satsuma down the leg of her pyjamas.
○ The title of the next 007 film is revealed to be “Professor Bond’s Funky Monkey”.
May
○ Channel 4 unveils its new Great British Bake Off set. It’s all chrome, and full of crying architects.
○ A superhero movie is released where nobody has to rescue New York from a giant space laser.
○ Noel Edmonds appears on television to tout the medical benefits of being kicked in the face by an enraged donkey.
○ Facebook releases an upgrade where you lose a finger if you post more than three baby photos a day.
○ The last person still playing Pokemon Go stops playing Pokemon Go.
June
○ Adam Sandler opens the World Of Sandler amusement park in Los Angeles.
○ June Sarpong is named as Channel 4’s new Great British Bake Off host.
○ Southern Rail replaces its rolling stock with space hoppers, and its customer service department with an emoji of a shrugging man.
○ Donald Trump tweets 45 consecutive angry messages to a curtain he briefly mistakes for a man.
○ James Corden does a Carpool Karaoke video with a spaniel in a vest.
July
○ Katie Hopkins writes a column saying that orphans are orphans because their parents were whores.
○ Vladimir Putin orders Russia to help a Frankenstein’s monster get voted as Mongolian president.
○ The theme-tune of the Justice League movie is announced as Mandy by Barry Manilow.
○ Scotland bans mugs.
○ Westlife and Boyzone embark upon a McBusted-style reunion, under the name Bostzofe.
August
○ Theresa May sparks controversy by wearing a £2,000 bumbag made of puppy eyes.
○ Tony Blair announces the formation of his new political party, named God’s Hungry Zealots.
○ The hot dieting book of the summer is Put Cake In Your Mouth And Then Spit It Out Again.
○ Donald Trump abdicates as president, citing the appalling lack of gold swans in the Oval Office.
○ A sinkhole opens in Croydon that, when seen from space, looks like the poo-head emoji.
September
○ Paramount announces that it has optioned the movie rights of the Croydon sinkhole.
○ Katie Hopkins writes a column with the headline “Foreign People Don’t Even Have Mouths”.
○ The Football Association names Southend and District Junior Sunday League team Benfleet Villa Pumas winners of the Premier League forever, then disbands.
○ Boris Johnson tries to fistbump an Argentinian teenager and accidentally knocks him unconscious.
○ The hottest autumn/winter look for 2017 is a McDonald’s staff badge with three stars on it.
October
○ The winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature is named as Chico from X Factor.
○ Adele’s new single is about the time she found a mouse in a shoe next to a statue in Morocco.
○ Noel Edmonds appears on TV to tout the medical benefits of looking at a spoon.
○ Piers Morgan says that people who don’t like seeing babies being attacked by dogs are “great big wimps”.
○ Brexit happens, and it actually works out pretty great, thanks.
November
○ Blue passports are reintroduced, and The Sun immediately feels silly about making such a fuss about it.
○ The new John Lewis advert is round-the-clock CCTV footage of a crying infant locked in a cage with a dog.
○ Cadbury’s unveils a brand new product that’s just a smashed-up Creme Egg with human hair trampled into it.
○ Donald Trump loses popularity by getting the Antiques Roadshow theme tune and the Murder She Wrote theme tune mixed up during his first G20 summit.
○ A cow does a dance or something, I don’t know.
December
○ The winner of X Factor is literally just an egg in a wig.
○ “Brexit” is named as the third most popular boys’ name of the year.
○ Mike Pence bans Christmas, claiming that tinsel is “too fruity”.
○ Nigel Farage is photographed posing with a horrified shopping centre Santa Claus.
○ Someone predicts that 2018 will be worse than 2017, and nobody will believe them – even though ultimately they will be right.
