FOOTBALL: STOPPING AGAIN
It looks like we’re going to get there in the end. Despite the unprecedented success of the Fiver’s Stop Football campaign, the Premier League managed to get it started back up again, even if their particular competition is due to stop again on Sunday when the final round of matches is played. Of course, as is customary at this time of the season, The Fiver is shackled to its desk, cranking out an endless series of season reviews while cursing the fact our poor brain is so addled we can’t particularly remember a single thing that happened in top-flight football prior to the last match we watched.
Match of the season: Liverpool 5-3 Chelsea
Goal of the season: Trent Alexander Arnold’s free-kick
Manager of the season: Jürgen Klopp with an honourable mention to his potty-mouthed Chelsea counterpart Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard.
Player of the season: Christian Pulisic (Chelsea)
Refereeing performance of the season: Martin Atkinson (Liverpool 5-3 Chelsea)
Pitchside presenter of the season: Kelly Cates (Liverpool 5-3 Chelsea)
Tearful pundit of the season: Graeme Souness (Liverpool 5-3 Chelsea)
Of course it should be pointed out that this roll of honour is strictly provisional, as between top and bottom spot of the table there’s still plenty to play for and plenty of time for others to leave an indelible mark on The Fiver’s consciousness. Near the top, there are two Big Cup places up for grabs, with one of Chelsea, Manchester United and Leicester set to miss out and have to settle for boring old Big Vase. Just below them, Wolves and Tottenham could also find themselves in Europe’s second tier competition, with much depending on who wins Big Cup and the FA Cup, which have yet to reach their denouement.
Further down the table, assorted players will enjoy stress-free early evening strolls in meaningless contests such as Sheffield United v Southampton and Burnley v Brighton, although Sean Dyche’s side need to keep a clean sheet to help Nick Pope win the Golden Gloves award. Elsewhere, Leicester’s Jamie Vardy is in the box seat to win the Golden Boot, with several rivals breathing down his neck. Could outside bet Raheem Sterling spank five, six, seven or eight past Norwich to beat him in the home straight?
In more important news, two of Aston Villa, Watford and Bournemouth will join Norwich in plummeting through the relegation trapdoor, with Villa travelling to on-the-beach West Ham knowing survival is guaranteed if they can get a result and match or better whatever Watford do at Arsenal. Indeed, they may not even need a point, while Bournemouth need all three against Everton to entertain even faint hopes of staying up. So, there is still much to play for in the league that purports to be the Best In The World ... but which recent evidence suggests isn’t even the most exciting in the top two divisions in England.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can’t believe that Kevin de Bruyne has not won the Footballer of the Year Award. It should now be discontinued as it’s meaning is nonsensical!!!” – Manchester City legend Franny Lee (among many others) cannot get his head round Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson, who dragged his team to 29 victories from 31 games and lifted four trophies in the past year or so, scooping the Football Writers’ Player of the Year gong. Nope.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Introducing our all-singing, all-dancing women’s transfer interactive for 2020, featuring the latest deals and club-by-club guides for the WSL and leagues in Italy, France, Germany and Spain.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around Football Weekly Extra. And the latest Forgotten Stories of Football episode is right here for your listening pleasure, too.
FIVER LETTERS
“James Walker’s letter reminds us of a couple of my team’s unwanted records from the pre-historic era before football was invented. In the 1937-38 season, champions Arsenal scored 77 goals, three less than the previous year’s champions, Manchester City. This was the first and only time that the reigning champions, and division’s top scorers, got relegated. Typical City – is nothing new?” – John Caley.
“Am I right in thinking that this is the latest time of the year that the Premier League title has ever been awarded and therefore if Liverpool don’t win it again next year they will hold it for the shortest period of time ever in the history of football and the universe?” – Stuart Burrows.
“If ‘football is 80% suffering and 10% joy’ ... and the lads ‘gave 110%’ (Thursday’s letters), does that mean Mr 15% now gets 20%?” – George Paterson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Jude Bellingham, set for Borussia Dortmund, has spoken out after being racially abused on social media, posting a screenshot of the abuse and describing it as “disgusting.” West Mercia Police are investigating.
Port Vale’s Tom Pope has been banned by the FA for six games after posting a tweet in January linking the Rothschilds to “every bank on the planet”.
Before football has even STOPPED, the campaign to START FOOTBALL again has begun, with the Premier League confirming the 2020-21 season will run between 12 September and 23 May, apocalypse permitting.
The “arrogance” beef between Big Jürgen and Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard continues apace. Oh football!
All hail the transfer gurus at Zenit St Petersburg who managed to secure the signing of the self-styled world’s best defender, Dejan Lovren, for just €12m.
“One lapse”: Ole Gunnar Solskjær is getting the jitters ahead of Manchester United’s trip to Leicester. Ole’s army are just a David de Gea drop or a Fred false move from having to swap the Big Cup for another Big Vase campaign.
The 2019-20 Women’s FA Cup will be completed during next season, meaning two Cup finals will be played in one campaign!
And Leyton Orient have set local local bakers on high alert for a birthday cake order with the news that Yaya Touré is training with the League Two club.
STILL WANT MORE?
Leroy Sané gets his chat on with David Hytner and explains why he turned down the chance of a glorious Big Cup finale at Manchester City to join Bayern Munich this month.
What Aston Villa, Watford and Bournemouth need to do to avoid tumbling into the extremely entertaining chaos that is the Championship.
Gareth Bale is still at Real Madrid despite Zinedine Zidane’s continuing Gallic shrugs and it’s costing a fortune. Sid Lowe reports on a severe squandering of cash, talent and legacy.
“The hard work starts here”, say promoted West Brom. Ben Fisher hears from Slav and the gang.
West Ham’s Nor Mustafa speaks to Suzanne Wrack, and reveals her ambition to be the Zlatan Ibrahimovic of the women’s game.
The winners and losers in the Championship this season. By Martin Laurence.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
