“Gather your glitter and your glue guns… we’re greeting Christmas with gusto!”
Kirstie Allsopp is surrounded by sparkly tinsel that she probably grew herself in a special allotment and baubles that she likely moulded from reindeer droppings from Lapland. Already I’m tense.
It’s Channel 4’s Kirstie’s Handmade Christmas and the perpetually cheery presenter says she has got all the ingredients we could possibly need for a “crazy, crafty Christmas”.
I’ll be happy if I just get to sit down for five minutes this Christmas, but everyone has their hopes and dreams. Who has time for this stuff?
Kirstie is the neighbour who always has a homemade wreath on the door, the school gate mum giving out edible reindeer food and the hostess who has filled her own crackers. I’m bracing for an hour of eye-rolling and feeling completely inept.
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You know those expensive snow globe bottles of gin in the supermarkets? Well, Kirstie makes her own. Of course she does.
Because we all want to spend our evenings applying stencils to jars and using a funnel to pour gin. “Pop in your edible silver,” she grins. Or… pop to M&S instead. Open, drink. Just an idea.
Then… crackers. No, not Kirstie. An expert whips out gold paper handmade from last year’s wrapping paper. Who even remembers where that is?
She then gets out a massive glue gun. I only have one Pritt Stick which looks like it’s been attacked by felt tip pens.
By the time they pin brooches on the crackers, I’ve keeled over.
Now Kirstie’s florist sister Sofie is involved. The thought of wreath-making with my sibling is bringing me out in hives – we’d end up lobbing holly berries at each other.
By this point, I’ve resorted to eating (shop-bought) Jaffa Cakes and wondering where it all went wrong. I don’t even have a sewing machine.
But even Kirstie is fallible. As she attempts to make Christmas tree candles with Phil Spencer, she admits: “I’ve had problems with waxcraft in the past.” Haven’t we all, Kirstie?
I’m just getting on board with the boozy trifles, but suddenly Kirstie is using a hairdryer on jazzy, screen-printed fabric.
If you ever see me doing this, it’s the first sign of a breakdown.
Kirstie wants a heat press for Christmas to iron her napkins, which says it all. People fall into two categories: those who iron napkins and normal people.
Finally, there’s a posh wrapping technique – unlike mine, which is a Sellotape hunt followed by panic and mess.
Out comes the ribbon and I am done. Off to look for my shop-bought gin… I highly recommend you do the same.
