Plans for the weekend. Comments on the weather. Observations about a colleague’s new coat. With offices across England (and, from Monday, in Scotland) opening up to workers, casual conversation starters like this will once again become the norm.
But after nearly two years of working predominantly from home, an absence of informal interaction with colleagues has left some employees so out of practice at watercooler chat that they are turning to small talk coaching to prepare.
Georgie Nightingall, the founder of Trigger Conversations, says she has seen a sharp rise in uptake for her conversational training courses – in which she teaches people how to improve their small talk – with demand quadrupling within a year.
“There is concern, partly due to the pandemic, that people are just losing these skills,” said Nightingall, 30.
But she said any issues tend to be closely linked to confidence.
Citing research that found that small talk plays a vital role in contributing to day-to-day happiness, helping to prevent loneliness and isolation, she said remote working does not allow it to occur in the same way in the “in-between moments” that come from physical proximity in between meetings, in corridors, at lunch or at coffee machines.
“So suddenly there are no opportunities to have that serendipity that normally happens,” she said.
Almuth McDowall, professor and assistant dean of organisational psychology at Birkbeck, University of London and associate fellow of the British Psychological Society, said small talk “humanises our work existence” and provides a space for idea exchange and creativity.
The return to workplaces is an opportunity to re-evaluate its purpose, she said. “Let’s rethink what the office is for – a place to find meaning, connection and a shared purpose.”
Nightingall said many people dread small talk because they do not know how to use it properly and fear getting “trapped in this circle of talking about the weather”.
Instead, she teaches students to move away from key phrases like “I’m fine” or “what did you do at the weekend?” and use seemingly mundane subjects as a springboard to having a meaningful conversation.
“Often in conversations we have this competing paradox of ‘Oh, I really want to be connected to somebody and have that lovely feeling of belonging and conversation’ but at the same time ‘Ah, I don’t really want to get into a conversation because it’s going to take a lot of energy and it’s going to drain me, I’m not going to be great at it’,” she said.
In an online taster session for her six-week course, Transformational Conversations, she admitted that she is a “small talk convert” and that she used to hate it until she started working on how to transform her everyday conversations into the deeper kind she would have at a party at 2am.
Her teaching includes group conversations, partner exercises in practicing using different techniques, breaking the scripts of conventional small talk and starting conversations with statements. The results, she claims, can be life-changing.
“Every part of our lives starts to transform because we become better listeners, more curious, more interested, more aware and suddenly you’re having better conversations on dates, with your parents and with people on the street in your local community.”
Sam Denny, a data scientist from London, signed up to Nightingall’s course after he found his world had shrunk living alone and working from home during the pandemic and he was feeling anxious about returning to the office and interacting with colleagues.
“If you are entirely working from home it’s very easy to have all your conversations being completely purpose-driven,” said Denny, 33.
Since doing the course he said his confidence has increased, he feels able to lead small talk and is looking forward to seeing colleagues. “Before I would be quite shy, quite quiet and I would let the conversation go wherever it would go and often maybe not to very interesting places.”
How to do small talk
1. Move away from core phrases, advises conversations expert Georgie Nightingall. Instead of asking “how was your weekend?” try asking “what was the most surprising thing that happened on the weekend?”
2. Get out of your own head and be curious. Instead of assuming the conversation is going to be boring, listen to what people are saying and ask follow-up questions.
3. Take the lead and set the tone by sharing information. Like a dance, an enjoyable conversation does not come out of two followers. Make statements about yourself, others and the environment and ask questions.
