Dear AA,
I am getting a bit of an inferiority complex. My classmates and neighbours are all posting pictures on Facebook of the exotic dishes they seem to be cooking all the time. They are making Bolognese and caprese salad, they are baking focaccia and sourdough bread, they add red wine in their recipes and eat only wild rice. It is making me feel a little left out. We are a family of simple eaters. My husband, my two kids and I love dal rice and curd rice and alu paratha and rava dosa. None of it looks exotic. Moreover, I am a working mother. How to get time to bake-shake and all? I am worried. Am I a culinary failure?
Rice and Roti Etc.
Dear RARE,
Firstly, you’re approaching this all wrong. The main thing in social media cuisine is to get the descriptions and photos right. For the rest, you can eat leftover rice every day and nobody will know.
Let me give you one example. Last Sunday, I felt a cold coming on, so I made jeera rasam and paruppu thogayal. I mashed it up with hot rice and ghee and what a meal it was. Oh, I also roasted an appalam or three. That very evening who should call but Shalini. Have I told you about her? After graduation she demanded that her parents find her an NRI husband and has since been living in the U.S. of A with husband, son and two microwave ovens (one for pure foods, one for impure foods). Along with inner peace, she has also discovered Masterchef. Her FB page is filled with pictures of Vegan Chickpea Omelette and Avocado-Basil Brown Toast. So, when this woman asks me for my menu, how to let the homeside down? I said I’d made a wholesome Cumin Consommé on a bed of hot rice with Spicy Lentil Mash and Browned Rice Crisps. She is still asking for recipe.
Use vocabulary. For what purpose you learnt English? Have you heard the half-baked experts on Zoom seminars these days? It’s almost as if during the lockdown, a thousand Ph.D.s bloomed! But in reality? ‘It’s only words…’, as good ol’ BeeGees sang. (I hope you listen to BeeGees? Lots of good stuff if you ignore the shrieky bits.)
Second, get phone with good camera. When you make alu paratha, even if you’re dying of hunger, show some self-control. Put one paratha on plate, place 1-2 coriander leaves, draw patterns with sauce and mint chutney. Take photo. Use edit app to remove dirty tablecloth and tawa from backdrop. Post on FB. Caption must be: ‘So tired after work peeps! Could only manage potato flatbread for dinner. Served it with chilled Greek yoghurt.’
It’s ok, you can thank me afterwards by sending 2-3 parathas.
Remember, never say keerai or saag. Always say ‘greens’ and always throw in a line or two about locals. For example, post one photo of Siru Keerai bunch and write below: ‘Picked up native greens from local farmer! So fresh & vibrant! Can’t wait to sauté it with a pod of crushed garlic and a dash of paprika!’
Fresh, local, cherry tomato, sautéed, salad, couscous, avocado, whole, brown — these are all useful words and can be used interchangeably regardless of what you are cooking. You can also post heartrending photos of the farmer crisis while you’re at it. It subtly indicates that your very act of making marinated cottage cheese roundels in tangy tomato sauce is filled with pathos.
- AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
