A woodpecker drums, as if signalling my arrival. I’ve been past this grave many times, but today I’ve resolved to visit properly. In October last year, my beloved elderly horse, Jamie, was euthanised. A decision that was right, but still weighs heavily. He’d been in my life for more than 26 years, as I changed from girl to woman to mother.
Here in the woodland is the burial site for horses that have lived and died on the farm. Each one has been dearly loved, a member of the family, often for decades. I want to see if the beech tree planted for him made it through winter.
I step carefully around a huge hole, big enough for a car. The brutal truth of a livery yard is that horses can die suddenly. Having a ready hole makes saying goodbye to half a tonne of animal far easier. In the past, they were taken to the local hunt to feed the hounds.
The copper buds of his beech tree are unfurling into fresh green leaves, and I realise I’ve been holding my breath. The tears still come so quickly, and I let myself have a few minutes.
A young vet once said to me said to me that the hardest part of the job was keeping horses, sheep and rabbits alive. It’s true that horse owners are forever on the lookout for illness. At this time of year, the fear of laminitis increases. The spring grass is high in sugars that can cause painful inflammation in the hoof, risking life-threatening complications. Many of the horses here – there are about 70 either kept by their owners in the yard or at grazing – endure a regime of muzzle-wearing to restrict their grass intake, as well as regular exercise and time stabled. Then there’s the risk of colic, gastric pain caused by changes in grazing or even by ingesting sand. Most animals can vomit to gain relief, but a horse cannot.
I’m grateful that I got my boy to nearly 30, and that his end was as gentle as this woodland is right now. A green woodpecker flies past, its yaffling call breaking the quiet air. I follow its bumpy flight back into the sunshine.
• Under the Changing Skies: The Best of the Guardian’s Country Diary, 2018-2024 is published by Guardian Faber; order at guardianbookshop.com and get a 15% discount
