PARIS MATCH
As you may be aware, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. What a humiliating fiasco that was and it’s no surprise that Jack and Jill haven’t been heard of since, unless that was them masterminding Theresa May’s recent election campaign. What’s sure is that the original water-carrier, as so dubbed by Eric Cantona, remains very much to the fore, although it seems that Didier Deschamps’ bucket has sprung a leak and not everyone in France is convinced he has the slightest notion how to fix it. Look at him, careering downhill with a rusty crock, getting water all over his tiny shoes and making all the bullies laugh! Run, squat Diddly, run!
Poor Deschamps, he’s been poor. Reaching the final of Euro 2016 on home soil fooled no one: France have been mostly plodsome for the five years in which Deschamps has been in charge even though he can call on some of the most exciting attacking talent in Europe – or, as Deschamps still prefers, Moussa Sissoko. Deschamps is even turning qualification for next summer’s World Cup into a c0ckamamie palaver, with Friday’s goof-riddled defeat in Sweden leaving France vulnerable to an unlikely resurgence by Holland. “I make choices after a lot of thought and analysis and things either go well or they don’t,” explained Deschamps, showing off the benefit of all that thought and analysis.
What France could really do with before breaking up for their holidays is a reminder that there are countries with an even more deeply entrenched capacity to make things dull and difficult. As luck would have it, Tuesday’s friendly in Paris is against England. And because it’s in Paris, England’s fancy-thinkin’ manager, Gareth Southgate, has decided to go avant garde. The manager will start with Burnley’s Tom Heaton so as not to cause any further interruption to Joe Hart’s daydreams. Deschamps, meanwhile, will also make changes, one of them likely to result in the inclusion of N’Golo Kanté, whom Deschamps has omitted in recent months on the grounds that Blaise Matuidi offers more. The big question, then, is whether Kanté can show Deschamps, of all people, that he is much more than a water-carrier.
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Join Paul Doyle from 8pm BST for hot MBM coverage of France 3-1 England.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He’s a player who’s very comfortable receiving possession, and has all the attributes and capabilities to play as a holding midfield player. He obviously hasn’t done that yet, really, so that’s a decision we have to make. But do I believe he can play that role? Absolutely” – Gareth Southgate has gazed into his crystal ball and seen John Stones losing possession as a defensive midfielder.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires rounds off the season with a look at England U-20s, Captain Radge and more. But never fear, he’ll be back through the summer with a new series.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver and ‘the point being, The Fiver’s dye is cast’. Why are you throwing dye? Did you spend time with the woad clad Ancient British marines? Is Purple Tin really purple and does it stain? Alea iacta est” – Ken McCarron (and 1,056 others).
“Yesterday’s Fiver described how Theresa May is a perfect example of what can go wrong when you put all your cards on the table, as a warning to Joe Hart. I think it depends on the game. When I was a teenager, my brother, some friends and I used to kill time after school playing various card games, including one I forget the proper name of, but was basically a more grown-up version of Donkey, with cards-on-knuckles punishments for the loser of each round. I re-iterate, if this sounds stupid, it’s because we were teenagers. Anyway, after a while players developed their own playing styles, including ‘red and black’ and ‘numbers and royalty’, where cards were grouped face down on the table for players to select. However, one lad played what he called ‘controversial’, for which he placed his cards face up on the table. What’s most remarkable about this is that despite revealing his every strength and weakness, he never lost. Not once. It was a successful combination of hubris and luck that Premier League goalkeepers and prime ministers could only dream about” – Ed Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor.
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BITS AND BOBS
Everton are addressing their goalkeeping malaise by throwing £30m at Sunderland for the outstanding Jordan Pickford.
Antoine Griezmann will be doing his lame celebration with Atlético Madrid for the foreseeable future after signing a one-year contract extension. “All of us Atléticos should congratulate ourselves for him staying with us,” cheered club suit José Luis Caminero. Coincidentally, Atlético are serving a transfer ban until January.
Chelsea and England U-21 striker Tammy Abraham wants to wait until after Euro 2017 before sorting out his future. “After this season I need to take myself to the next level,” he roared, somewhat dampening expectations for the tournament. “That’s the type of person I am.”
A Spanish state prosecutor has accused Him of defrauding Spain’s tax office with €14.7m in unpaid taxes. “[He] took advantage of a business structure created in 2010 to hide from fiscal authorities income generated in Spain from image rights,” read a statement.
Australia got a 4-0 home dusting at the hands of Brazil after falling behind inside 12 flamin’ seconds.
The Milk Cup first-round draw will be take place in Bangkok on Friday, because obviously.
And Northwich Victoria fans have launched a campaign to help raise £5,000 by Wednesday and save the club from going bust. “Our appeal is to any football fan, player or individuals that can help us get across the line no matter how big or small the donation,” said Vics supporter Ian Egerton.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Long hair, short shorts and fans throwing fruit – former Tottenham player Gary Stevens reminisces about England’s 1984 Under-21 Euro glory.
Alexandre Lacazette may be lethal in a Lyon shirt but he’s still got a point to prove for Les Bleus, writes Sachin Nakrani.
Are Chelsea lining up a move for Real Madrid’s £63m substitute James Rodríguez? All the latest tattle in today’s Rumour Mill.
If you thought England’s U-20 World Cup winners were set for stardom then you don’t know the Premier League, forebodes Andy Hunter.
Then again, Devarshi Lodhia has been looking back to previous world-conquering teenagers who include Lionel Messi, Paul Pogba and Gabriel Jesus, so perhaps all is not lost.
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