HIM
The Fiver is a big idiot. This much you know. But here’s some breaking news, beloved reader: you’re a big idiot too! Every time the draw is made for a major tournament, and despite decades of evidence to the contrary, we and you and everyone we know assume that it will pan out roughly in accordance with the seedings. Had that occurred at Euro 2016, the quarter-finals would start tonight with Spain v Switzerland, followed by England losing on penalties to Portugal, then Germany v Italy and France v Russia. Half of those sides are already at home, counting the diamonds around sinks in other people’s homes. And the quarter-finals of this memorably soulful tournament start with Poland and Portugal, who – primarily because of Spain finishing second in their group – may never again have a better chance of reaching the finals, never mind the semis. The winners will play Wales or Belgium in the last four. You would, wouldn’t you?
We have somehow got to the second paragraph without talking about Him, a sin for which we shall ask Him to punish us. He looks in the mood to emulate Diego Maradona by leaving the rest of the world foaming with impotent rage as He wins a tournament on His own. For all His travails against Austria in particular, His total of goals and assists put him joint-top with Gareth Bale, and He is likely to be even more motivated as the scent of glory wafts up His hairless nostrils. “[He] is a player that everyone talks about and there is a reason for that,” said the Portugal coach Fernando Santos. “And why does everyone talk about [Him]?” he continued, as one hack wheezed his last, unable to take the suspense of it all. “Because [He’s] a great player. People only talk a lot about the great players. There are hundreds of players that we don’t talk about every day,” he concluded, as a subliminal image of James Milner was spliced into the background.
He has actually had far worse tournaments – 2008, 2010, 2014 – and this sits somewhere in the middle between those and His majestic performances in 2004 and 2006. He still has the chance to make this His defining tournament: after good-time Charlie and accomplished politician Lionel Messi retired in failure, a tournament victory would confirm Him as the greatest player since Maradona. One Portuguese newspaper, A Bola, spoke of His “fabulous destiny” in a mock-up of the poster for the film Amelie, thereby forever compromising one of the few happy memories The Fiver had left.
Poland are far less of a one-Him team than Portugal, though there is still an inordinate amount of attention on their non-goalscorer, Robert Lewandowski. “He is doing phenomenal work for this team,” said his manager Adam Nawalka, before stressing that the H in ‘He’ was only capitalised because it was at the start of a sentence. “He’s an incredibly important player for this side both mentally and in football terms. He takes the opponent’s attention away from other players and for me he’s doing great work. I’ve seen the contribution from Lewa and I’m happy with it.” The Fiver’s excited, we’ll tell you that for free. It all starts tonight in Marseille. England may be out, but the show must go on. It’s what Uncle Roy would have wanted.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Gregg Bakowski from 8pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Poland 0-0 Portugal (aet; 4-5 on pens).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I wouldn’t recommend it, but that is possible, although he’ll have to pick the right weather” – Iceland co-coach Heimir Hallgrimsson reacts to the news that Olympic water-splashing champion Yannick Agnel has pledged to swim around Iceland if the team win Euro 2016, having quite possibly underestimated its size.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Our preview of Poland v Portugal is all nice and good, but you should definitely set time aside for this film with Coach Kampos, father figure for African footballers in Paris.
FIVER LETTERS
“Blame Mr Roy. Blame Fabio. Blame the clubs. Blame the Wags. Blame the heat, the ball, the ref, the altitude and the boring training camp. Blame Him, Diego Simeone and Maradona. Blame Sven’s half-time team talk. Blame the penalty shootout. Blame the fans. Blame inexperience and the pressure. Blame kick-off times and the lack of winter break. Blame tiredness even though the Spanish and German lads play as many games as us. Blame nasty comments on social media while our players tweet, record an advert, get a tattoo and trim their effing eyebrows instead of practising. Blame the police when you run around Europe with your clothes off, throwing up, throwing bottles and abusing the locals, an embarrassment to the country you claim to love. Blame the pitch. Blame Mr Roy … You could blame the lack of good coaching and facilities for our young kids and the lack of investment from the billions flowing into the game. But why would you want to do a thing like that? We choose to blame something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got The Best League in the World™?” – Patrick Eyre.
“May I be the first of the 1,057 Scandinavian-based geological pedants to point out that Iceland is not part of the Scandinavian, or even Fenno-Scandinavian area (yesterday’s Fiver), but a basaltic mid-ocean ridge island, spewing forth new land as quickly as a tea-timely email spews forth new copy?” – Dave Harrison-Fox (and no other Scandinavian-based geological pedants).
“Mr Roy, as a civilian, would not qualify for a Victoria Cross (yesterday’s Fiver), unless he is under military command. Perhaps the FA is Dad’s Army? I would like to propose an alternative honour. The Order of the Bath would be more appropriate, as in taking an early one” – Robert Darby.
“The main disappointment about Mr Roy was that he didn’t follow his opening gambit of ‘I don’t really know what I’m doing here’ with ‘but while I’ve got your attention, here is a list of people who can go eff themselves’ and then doing a mic drop, in a down-with-the-kids style. Mind you, that would have shown a spark of flair and originality largely absent from his tenure in the job he had just resigned from” – Ed Taylor.
“While I very much enjoy yesterday’s Fiver riffing on a classic Lemonheads tune (It’s a Shame About Roy), it seems to me there was a metaphorical mix-up somewhere in Fiver Towers. As an overhyped enterprise begun in the early 1990s that, upon careful reflection, weren’t nearly as good as we originally thought, the Lemonheads line up much better with the Premier League than the national team. If you’re looking for something analogous to the Three Lions, you need an English outfit that had a dazzling run in the late 60s and seems to keep screwing it up ever since, despite enormous talent and one chance after another. Seems to me that’s not Evan Dando and co but rather The Kinks, so You Really Got Roy or Icelandic Sunset. Maybe best of all, though, Tired of Waiting for You” – Thad Brown.
“I’ve really enjoyed speculation about who will be the next England manager. I’ve particularly smiled at the thought that notable German-American Jürgen Klinsmann could get the gig. As a proud supporter of USA! USA!! USA!!!, may I make my thoughts on the subject known? Take him! Please, take him! And with his affinity for older players, I wish him luck in solving the puzzle of fitting Lampard, Mbe, Beckham and Hurst into a triangular midfield pentagon, or some such rot. Yeah, he’ll definitely get England past the first knockout round” – Mike Wilner.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Wilner.
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BITS AND BOBS
Claude Puel is the new manager of Southampton. “Claude clearly came out on top of a very impressive shortlist,” cheered executive director of football, Les Reed [yes, that one – Fiver Ed].
Crystal Palace will add to their collection of wingers by signing Newcastle’s Andros Townsend for £13m, with Dwight Gayle already heading the other way.
A British music lecturer and his wife have written a catchy Gareth Bale tribute song, urging him to make like Sisqo and “unleash the dragon”.
Liverpool are facing a struggle to prise Mahmoud Dahoud away from Borussia Mönchengladbach, who want to keep the Germany U21 midfielder now Granit Xhaka has done one to Arsenal.
Hulk is going to be paid a reported £320,000 a week to fire in the odd left-footed exocet for Shanghai SIPG after moving from Zenit in a £45m deal.
Vincent Janssen isn’t happy that AZ Alkmaar have turned down Spurs’ £16.5m bid for him. “I have expressed my choice to the club. In my opinion, Spurs bid a high amount … I’m disappointed with how they behaved,” he pouted.
Bundesliga sleeping giants Hamburg think Will Grigg is the man to ignite their fortunes. A petition to sign the non-playing Norn Iron 1-0 striker has reached 5,000 signatures.
The Belgium squad have made like Poirot and come to the conclusion that every single player being involved in transfer discussions might be bad for the team’s Euro 2016 focus.
In news that can only end one way, Dimitri Payet’s Mr 15% has insisted his client is happy at West Ham.
And a nation weeps: Steve Bruce will not be filling the England hot seat, instead committing his future to Hull. “It is business as usual,” he blubbered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Owen Gibson has tried to sum up where England went wrong in France, and has narrowed it down to just under 2,000 words.
Eden Hazard is one Belgian player apparently benefitting from Marc Wilmots’ light-touch management style, but can he haul his team all the way at Euro 2016, wonders Barney Ronay.
Neymar to Manchester United? This and several far more original rumours in today’s Mill.
Positives from England’s Euro 2016 campaign: they didn’t release an official song. Steven Pye takes a look back at the dark days of the 1980s when they were all the rage.
Ten years ago, Krzysztof Maczynski was unloading trucks at a Krakow shopping centre; tonight, he will play in a Euro 2016 quarter-final – and he’s far from the only Polish player to overcome adversity, writes Nick Ames.
If this week hasn’t been bad enough for you yet, head to Classic YouTube to relive the worst of England’s tournament exits.
Quiz time! Which Euro 2016 player has taken acting lessons and produced his own racy films? You’ll like the answers.
Martin Laurence has been crunching the numbers so you don’t have to in his preview of all four Euro 2016 quarter-finals.
Lawrence Ostlere reckons Gareth Southgate is right to say thanks, but no thanks to the England job.
And Linfield v Cork City are set for an all-Ireland Big Vase game that will get a fraction of the attention handed to national teams, says Alan Smith, his point proved by our leaving it until last.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT TOO!
