“You don’t have to be a superhero,” says Sue Armstrong Brown, chief executive of the charity Adoption UK, the leading voice of adoptive families.
Armstrong Brown believes that many of the characteristics adoptive parents require are the same as those all parents need. “Warmth, openness and a willingness to accept the unknown are key,” she says. “Adopters need to be emotionally mature, have resilience and problem-solving skills and the ability to prioritise family relationships. And a good sense of humour is essential.”
Adopted children’s early experiences mean they can often struggle with relationships and day-to-day life. Many have suffered abuse or neglect, all have been separated from their birth families and most have spent time in the care system. They need love, understanding and patience to help them overcome their difficulties and go on to lead confident, happy lives.
Although it can be challenging, being an adoptive parent is also hugely rewarding and adopters provide some of the UK’s most vulnerable children with the stable homes they so desperately need.
Heather and her husband, Dan, adopted Miles 15 months ago when he was just over a year old. Heather considers empathy to be the most important quality in an adoptive parent. “That is probably the biggest one,” she says. “Really understanding where children are coming from.
“I think it’s important being able to admit to them if you don’t get something right,” Heather continues. “Adopted children can mistrust adults even if they don’t know where that comes from. Some have never had an adult meet their basic needs.”
Dan and Heather were an “adoption first” couple, meaning that they had not experienced infertility, but went straight for adoption to start their family.
“At the time, I was working with children who were in care, and for some of the children their plan was adoption. It didn’t feel right to us as a couple to have a baby when we knew so many children were waiting for families,” says Heather.
The fact that she was already working in nurseries and children’s centres meant that there was no mystique for her around adoption. Dan had his reservations at first but once he went to a group for prospective adopters, those feelings disappeared.
“He realised they were just children, there was nothing to be frightened of. They just needed a stable, loving home,” Heather says.
They also knew they had to work together as a couple, supporting each other, being flexible and communicating about any challenges. “The challenges that adoptive children bring are the same as for all children, but the approach has to be different,” she says. “Miles sometimes struggles with separation so it’s about building up trust.”
Tanya Killick is a project worker at Adopteens, an online community for adopted young people aged 11 to 18 living in Yorkshire and the Humber region. She believes adopters with teenagers should be open to exploring their children’s pasts. “It’s about flexibility around the teenagers’ emotional needs,” she says. “An understanding of where they have come from is crucial in helping them form a strong sense of their own identity.”
Education poses many challenges to adopted children and their families. While GCSEs, A-levels, and going to college can be stressful for many young people, those who are adopted can find these life stages even more difficult. “They need a lot more support in school,” says Killick. “Adoption is not just a point in time, it is a part of you forever.”
Claire is a single adoptive parent from north-east England who has two daughters, now aged five-and-a-half and three. She was in her early 30s when she first thought about adopting. “I felt ready to have kids and wasn’t in a relationship at the time. One of my parents was adopted, so it was something that I grew up with. It just seemed like the right way to do it.”
When she began to research adoption, she realised many of the children in the looked-after system had been exposed to alcohol during pregnancy. Claire made the conscious decision to openly accept that and look for sources of support after she had adopted. Both her children have foetal alcohol syndrome and have benefited from specialist therapies. Claire has been able to deal with the resulting challenges as they arise. “It just requires thinking in a different way, a different sort of parenting,” she says.
Armstrong Brown reiterates that adoption can be uniquely fulfilling. “Adoptive parents find they have a deep love for their children that really enhances their lives, despite the challenges,” she says.
“If you are interested, and feel drawn to adopt, just make an enquiry – it doesn’t commit you to anything.”
If you are interested in finding out more about adoption, contact First4Adoption on 0300 222 0022 or visit first4adoption.org.uk/youcanadopt
