In which the devilishly nihilistic Simon Cowell finds work for idle hands
There are few television jobs more nuanced than host of The Xtra Factor, the ITV2 support show for those who feel The X Factor leaves way too many questions unanswered.
Impossible excitement in daycare centres up and down the land, then, as it is revealed with preposterous fanfare that the programme has a new pit boss - in the shape of emoticon-faced harbinger Fearne Cotton.
With a carnival of dignity refuseniks who regard fame as a basic human right due to pass through the doors, show executives have clearly struggled long and hard to source the person who can quack "how do you feel?" at them with the appropriate mixture of fake enthusiasm and contempt.
And you'd have to say Fearne is the ideal choice. Having rendered Live 8 virtually unwatchable, she failed to broker a union between the wife-beating wastrel houses of Gascoigne and Best during Celebrity Love Island, before triumphantly quizzing award winners as they came off the stage at the Brits. Let's just play out with her totally majestic inquiry of Muse:
"Do you agree you're the Best Live Act? I do!"
