Soaps are being kicked around the telly schedule to make room for Euro 2016 this month, but they’re still bringing more screeching drama than a posse of kettled Wags. For starters, Coronation Street has gone bonkers. Glossy-haired purveyor of finely stitched undies, Carla, made her exit after an eventful wedding day. She’s no stranger to a big white dress and a dramatic pause, but it was a disaster even by her standards.
The big day started well, with arch-enemy Tracy Barlow locked in the Underworld cupboard lest she tell the world about Carla’s one-night stand with Rob. But Carla ground to a halt on her way up the aisle and demanded a word with crumple-faced groom Nick to tell him she’d done the dirty. Chief tiger mum Gail wondered what Carla was doing to her precious first born. “She should be over here explaining herself,” she crowed. “Not sitting there like Cruella de Vil with a migraine.” Never has a bride’s look been summed up so well. Gail soon administered a pantomime slap, but it wasn’t until the wedding was over that the full horror hit. “I don’t see how things could possibly get any worse for this family,” prophesied that sage of the salon, Audrey.
Once Tracy escaped from her frilly prison, Carla conveniently found herself behind the wheel with the perfect opportunity to give her a good mowing down. Sadly, Carla stopped short of doing the deed, but her reckless driving set in motion a ridiculo-domino effect that ended up with Tyrone smashing through Gail’s house and into that extension. Yes, the one with Callum’s dead body underneath.
Todd came to the rescue by blaming Jason’s late dad, Tony, for Callum’s death. Hasn’t the man suffered enough, what with being rogered senseless by Tracy and thrown into the Corrie cast dumper while he wasn’t even on-screen? Just one problem: there are more holes in Todd’s story than in Liz McDonald’s fishnets. Christmas is going to be a right laugh round the Platts’ again this year, isn’t it?
As soap weddings go, Carla got off lightly. Over in Hollyoaks Trevor was bumped off on his big day by teenage murderer Nico when she found out Trev was having an affair with her mum Sienna. He lived long enough to say “I do” to Grace, but she was left with blood all over her dress and a husband who took his saucy secrets to the grave. That’s until Grace found a stray lipstick in his car and uncovered the truth about his cheating. Grace and Sienna’s showdown was private, understated and delicately played. Oh of course it wasn’t: this is Hollyoaks.
“You nasty, two-faced…” stormed Grace. “I’m having you.” And then came a definitive: “I AM GONNA KILL YOOOOU.” A cat fight ensued, after which Grace had to be carried out for everyone’s safety, makeup running, high heels wiggling. Grace is a masterclass in confrontation and her latest fracas cements her place in the Gobby Soap Woman You Wouldn’t Mess With Hall of Fame (patron: Janine from EastEnders).
Lock up your daughters, people of EastEnders, for that irresistible Cheesy Wotsit of a man, Max Branning, has been spotted in Walford. What? You’d forgotten he was sent to jail for killing Lucy? Well he’s back. Which means the real culprit, Bobby Beale, is going daahhn for what Mick calls “a three stretch”. What a turbulent month it’s been for the teenage tearaway™: his confession came after he’d whacked Jane over the head with a hockey stick.
At least Bobby’s blow knocked some sense into Jane, who told Ian she wanted to get as far away from him as possible the moment she gets out of hospital. She’d rather be in Birmingham. And as for Bobby? Well, he’ll be out by the time he turns 16, just in time to go Full Bieber and sweep some unfortunate girl off her feet.
Who’d have thought that glamorous crack-waxer Bernice would be Emmerdale’s answer to Phil Mitchell? When she discovered her husband Lawrence had been having more than just his boiler serviced by Ronnie the plumber, she hit the bottle, grabbed the keys to a JCB and went on the rampage. With her handbag over her arm and a dark look in her eye, Bernice proved that revenge is a dish best served soaked in warm chardonnay. With a side order of rubble.
