TELL HIM HE’S PELLÈ
It’s not easy being beautiful. The constant, superficial attention. The glare of so many flashbulbs. The number of moisturising products that must be applied thrice-daily in order to maintain such a flawless visage. The feeling of guilt that everyone cannot be so visually wonderful. The sense of disgust at all these hideous trolls scampering around your feet. Not easy at all.
Of course, The Fiver wouldn’t have a clue about any of that, as we try to cope with our own lack of aesthetic pleasantness by hiding under a tarp and belching out Tin gas. Graziano Pellè would, though. The former Southampton striker, who paused for about two seconds before wisely taking the massive sacks of coin on offer from Chinese side Shandong Luneng in the summer, is almost cartoonishly handsome, a man who would challenge darts player Steve Beaton’s title as “not A-donis, he’s THE Donis” (c. Sid Wadell). Perhaps his inner turmoil at the problems created by his lovely face is the reason behind his behaviour with the Italy squad this week. For Pellè has been cordially invited to a reception at the Do One ambassador’s residence by coach Giampiero Ventura, shooed off home after Italy’s 1-1 draw with Spain on Thursday. His crime? Committing the dreadful faux pas of neglecting to shake Ventura’s hand after he was substituted, and will thus miss Sunday’s game in Macedonia.
“To be part of the national team implies the sharing of common values and behaviour conforming to the wearing of the blue shirt, beginning with respect towards the management, players and fans,” droned an Italian FA statement. What a naughty boy he’s been. “These things happen,” Ventura shrugged, his strictness on the handshake issue leading to speculation that he’s actually Ailsa from Home and Away in a mask. “Pellè was angry. I think this was not so much because of the substitution as the way we had played up to that point.” Which begs the question of why the rest of the team weren’t also sent home if they were so bobbins, but we digress.
For his part, Pellè was contrite, apologising in the only manner appropriate in these digital times – on InstaChat. “Unfortunately, it’s happened again, I’ve messed things up,” he wept, accompanying his mea culpa with a picture of the Italy side, just to absolutely prove he’s a team player. “It was unacceptable behaviour, firstly against the coach and also, towards my team-mates … Like any great mistake, I accept the consequences … I must offer my apologies from my heart to everyone.” For Pellè’s part, he was offered some advice. “He’s a great guy and in the cold light of day, I’m sure he will realise he was wrong,” cheered Gigi Buffon. “If he apologises for his behaviour, we will be happy to embrace him.” With a promise like that, it’s no wonder he said sorry.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s lamentable that certain police officers didn’t collaborate to ensure compliance with a judicial order. If they say this man earns so much, why doesn’t he pay monthly to his daughter” – Paul Marin, a legal suit representing the mother of Enner Valencia’s five-year-old daughter, takes aim at the Ecuadorian bizzies who failed to detain Valencia over alleged unpaid child maintenance after half-heartedly chasing him from the pitch during the 3-0 win over Chile despite the striker being prone on a golf cart having suffered some kind of knack. Valencia’s legal bod later claimed the matter had been settled.
FIVER LETTERS
“I understand Dan Markham’s feelings about the state of the (English) national game (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Assuming his perspective is based on the Jacksonville Jaguars against the Indianapolis Colts, and considering their one win each four games into the season, one wonders how our perspectives might change if, say, Middlesbrough played an exhibition game against Swansea City here in San Francisco” – Stephen Alexander.
“Poor Andy Marriott (yesterday’s letters). One can only feel his angst at relocating to that empty space grandly named ‘the London Stadium’. Perhaps Lady Brady could follow the much-lamented Delia Smith, grab a mic and give a half-time talk to all those bubble-blowers? I wonder what the reaction might be?” – James Johnson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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NEXT GENERATION 2016
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BITS AND BOBS
China boss Gao Hongbo is hanging to his job by a thread thinner than Weird Uncle Fiver’s last remaining hair after Syria’s 1-0 World Cup qualifying win in Xi’an. “Our football players played hard,” sniffed suit Yu Hongchen. “But the result is unacceptable.”
Asante Kotoko technical director Malik Jabir says he has been misquoted over claims that Ghanaian players struggle over 90 minutes because of excessive $ex. “What I said was about my personal life experience not about Ghanaian footballers,” he tooted.
England’s World Cup qualifying hopes have been dealt a … hang on, let’s start again. Phil Jagielka has been ruled out of England’s World Cup qualifiers due to thigh-gah!
Goal-machine Joe Allen is set to miss Wales’s 2-1 victory over Georgia on Sunday after suffering a nasty bit of hamstring-twang during their draw in Austria.
The FA’s eager inquiry bods have been told to wait until the fuzz have finished watching blurred videos that may or may not reveal corruption in football before they start their own investigation.
Robbie Brady is likely to miss Republic O’Ireland’s 1-1 draw with Moldova on Sunday despite a positive assessment of the head-knack he suffered in the win over Georgia by Martin O’Neill: “The doctors are pleased with him … and I hope he will be fine. He’s as brave as a lion, great courage obviously and a fine player.”
Bastian Schweinsteiger may be given the chance to switch roles as chief stalker of Old Trafford’s dusty corridors to chief stalker of some dusty pitch or other in the USA! USA!! USA!!! “We would welcome Bastian with open arms. He would be a leader for our many young players,” cooed Major League Soccerball chief suit Don Garber.
And Zorya Luhansk chief suit Sergei Rafailov has very possibly emerged from under a spotless rock to share with the world these enlightened views about Manchester. “I did not like the city. It was very dirty,” he parped. “Near the hotel, which was, incidentally, in the city centre, there were homeless people sleeping on the pavement at night. I went out for a walk in the evening and went a little further from the centre. It was even worse there. Masses of drunk people. It was bizarre for me to see men walking down the street and kissing. I did not like it.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Boom! In the space of a year Jürgen Klopp has bear-hugged his Liverpool players into a bunch of believers, cheers Andy Hunter. There’s also this snazzy video of his year at Anfield.
Is Andros Townsend actually any good? If he is then he’d better start showing it for England, reckons Jacob Steinberg.
New York City FC are off to Mexico for a really special date that, disappointingly, wasn’t arranged through Soulmates. Luis Miguel Echegaray has more.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
