1. “I’m glad the end of the world is working out well for someone…”
Not you, Jon Snow. Game Of Thrones, Sky Atlantic.
2. “They’ve caught me on a full moon, so they won’t know what’s hit ’em.”
Storming stuff from DI Deering in No Offence, Channel 4.
3. “I’m sorry, Laura, I don’t understand the question.”
Chief synth Anita in every episode of Humans, Channel 4.
4. “If you want Cookie’s nookie, then ditch the bitch.”
The first lady of Empire, Cookie, tells it straight as usual, Channel 4.
5. “I stole some make-up. I’m hardly a crack addict.”
Sweet poetry from Coronation Street’s teen troublemaker Bethany, ITV.
6. “One crack bad, two cracks better.”
Eternal innuendo-peddler Mel Giedroyc makes cracks the new soggy bottoms in The Great British Bake Off, BBC1.
7. “That’s one off the bucket list: a Mexican standoff with actual Mexicans.”
Frank’s dreams come true on True Detective, Sky Atlantic.
8. “Clara, go back to the Tardis and pick up all my most annoying stuff.”
The Doctor gets his priorities right in a crisis. Doctor Who, BBC1.
9. “The main character is a monster who lives a life of isolation until society learns to live with him. Sounds like the biography of Piers Morgan.”
Worst children’s book ever, Lord Sugar? The Apprentice, BBC1.
10. “Why don’t you write down all of your dreams so I can shit on them?”
Peggy: owner of the finest Mad Men one-liners. Sky Atlantic.
11. “Filthy weather. People are morons.”
Thomas Cromwell gives his verdict on the city of York in Wolf Hall, BBC1.
12. “If I ever do cheat on you, it’s going to be a cash transaction with a guaranteed ejaculation, after which she immediately leaves so I can ponder suicide because of how guilty I feel.”
Romance isn’t dead. It’s alive and well in Catastrophe, Channel 4.
13. “Listen, Starlight Express, I’m gonna give you a 9.6 for technique but a 0.0 for choice of victim.”
One of many moments of greatness from Jimmy, Better Call Saul, Netflix.
14. “I can’t have him getting killed without me. I’ll never hear the end of it at dinner.”
Hank’s wonky devotion to Lou knows no bounds in Fargo, Channel 4.
15. “It’s Prince Phillip and Kate Middle-Aged.”
Shirley sums up Phil and Sharon’s wedding in EastEnders, BBC1.
16. “Cinderella never had it so good. All she got was a lousy coach and breakable shoes.”
Master of None’s Sonya keeps it real, Netflix.
17. “I know several couples who are perfectly happy. Haven’t spoken in years.”
Relationship advice from Downton Abbey’s Violet, ITV.
18. “I have five tiaras and I turned down one of the richest men on earth. There’s nothing in the world to induce me to sell myself.”
Lady C, not selling herself at all in I’m A Celebrity, ITV.
19. “A Tinder bang ain’t nothing but a bus fare.”
Candice sets out the rules of dating in Chewing Gum, E4.
20. “I’m a cup of tea in a world full of skinny lattes.”
Who says Strictly Come Dancing’s Len Goodman is stuck in his ways? BBC1.
What do you think? Have we missed your favourite one-liner? Bring on the comments…
