Dear Human Resources,
I have been kidnapped by armed rebels. Again. And I have to say it’s getting old.
As I write this, I am tied to a tree and have been eating nothing but grasshoppers and my own nasal mucus for days. When I weep, my captors celebrate by decapitating a goat. I think they’re practicing their swing. They say my descent into Hell will be a big hit on YouTube. I don’t how much longer I can hold out. I really wish you’d approved that petition to issue suicide pills.
I don’t know if you remember but I was kidnapped last year as well. According to the trail of emails sent at that time, you wanted to help me out, you really did, but there wasn’t any cost code for ransoms. Official support would have to be limited to an e-card.
(Thanks for keeping me CC-ed on all that, by the way. What a shame I was locked in a dark basement and couldn’t Reply All with my many thoughts on the matter.)
I was disappointed that you left me to die that time. I was also disappointed that my boss gave me “does not meet expectations” on my annual performance review because I hadn’t done a proper handover before going on abduction and I hadn’t turned on my Out of Office replies so people would know I was locked in a dark basement and would need longer than usual to respond to pointless inquiries. She also axed my merit increase on the grounds that PTSD denotes a lack of “commitment to serving the world’s poor”.
I think you might be my only hope. I know; that terrifies me too. But this time, I know my rights and I expect you to meet the following demands:
- You will pay the ransom required. Call it “administrative overhead”. Isn’t that how we wrote off those twelve SUVs no one can find? And the ice cream machine? And the feng shui audit?
- You will make sure the insurance company reimburses me for all my stolen property. Last time they refused because I couldn’t produce a police report, even though I couldn’t produce a police report because the police had just overthrown the government. Some ex-police officer is now running around Central Africa wearing MY Vibram five fingers and MY organic microfiber skort. Bastard. Keep in mind that any insurance company who legally commits to paying out for destruction related to “acts of God” cannot deny a petitioner’s claim based on “we didn’t mean THAT God.”
- You will not redact my cost of living allowance for the period of time during which I am held captive. Yes, I know, last year you explained it almost convincingly – why give me an allowance to improve my living standards when I am tied to a tree that is not approved housing? I see your point. But after you pay my ransom, I will use that allowance to surgically remove the portion of my hypothalamus where the memory of this event – and my employment with you – is currently being filed. It’s a costly procedure (I looked it up last time you left me to die).
- You will not insist that any method of liberating me be culturally appropriate. I understand that last year you were accepting bids from “witch doctor consultants” who claimed to have invisible cloaks and domesticized lightning bolts. You were also in discussions regarding plagues. I appreciate the sentiment but this year, please send Jack Bauer.
- You will not trust the United Nations to do anything whatsoever. Not that this really needs expansion, but keep in mind it was the UN peacekeepers who not only watched me being abducted, but advised my kidnappers on how best to stuff me in the grain sack, just to really hammer home their neutrality in all domestic affairs. (Also, I think Homeland was on that night, so they had places to be.)
- You will pay me danger pay, now and retroactively. I live in a place where I hop over dead bodies during my morning run, and I don’t qualify for danger pay. Someone we all know, someone with many years of “enough commitment”, gets danger pay for living in London because, theoretically, he could drown if the entire Greenland ice cap suddenly melted into the North Sea. You don’t really think that’s fair, do you?
- You will not deduct the time period of my abduction from my allotted vacation days. By my calculation, even before my abduction I had put in enough overtime that, were you not the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory of humanitarian NGOs, I would have nine months of comp time this year alone. Touch my leave days and I will tweet you into oblivion.
If you do not meet my demands then I am quitting, and I am taking the iPhone with me. You copy? Good. I’ll be waiting. Second tree to the left.
Dara Passano is a pseudonym.
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