I am a 23-year-old male who has been in a relationship for three years. I love my girlfriend and the sex is fantastic. But when I use a condom, I cannot reach orgasm. Most of the time, I can’t even ejaculate. My girlfriend is usually not satisfied either. What should we do?
Let’s start with the obvious: the reason you are using condoms, and whether they are necessary. Being sexually safe is always a priority, but within a committed, monogamous relationship where there is mutual trust, it is sometimes a better option to use another type of birth control. Beyond that, men who find that condoms reduce sensation to the point where they can’t reach orgasm can experiment with different types, such as a thinner variety. Sometimes, it is a case of trying different makes until you find a better fit.
Most commonly, it is the act of stopping the erotic encounter to fiddle with the packet that breaks concentration and reduces excitement. In this case, partners can help by eroticising the donning of condoms. There are also many non-insertive ways to orgasm, so give your girlfriend an orgasm, then remove the condom and enjoy a safe finish without it. It is easy to get stuck in a rut of following the same sexual pattern every time, so never be afraid to vary it – especially for such a good reason.
Having a conversation with your girlfriend about all this would be a smart, preliminary choice.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
