There is only a short list of activities during which radio listening is impossible or, at the very least, undesirable, writes Paul Smith. Scuba diving. Piloting a commercial airliner. An argument with your spouse about who forgot to buy fresh milk. Your grandmother's funeral.
Yet somehow in the first three months of 2008, commercial radio misplaced nearly seven million hours of listening. Which could mean as a country we spent a lot more time swimming, flying, shouting or contemplating the certain inevitability of death. That, or we didn't like what we heard on commercial radio.
According to the latest Rajar quarterly audience figures published last week, the commercial sector accounted for just 41% of all radio listening in the first three months of this year, compared to the BBC's market share of 57%.
"Our market share figures are disappointing, reflecting the real challenge for over regulated local commercial radio formats to compete against strong national talent," commented Andrew Harrison from RadioCentre, the body representing commercial radio interests.
Over-regulation? Competing against strong national talent? Yes, it's the elephant in the room you can now talk about; commercial radio believes further networking is the key to beating the BBC. Last month both Global Radio and GCap Media announced that huge swathes of peaktime output was to be networked, ahead of the expected merger of the two companies. Now other radio groups are following their lead, free from the guilt of going first.
Yet Harrison's justification for further gentrification is hardly convincing. For starters, not all radio groups are suffering. Bauer's Big City network increased listening by nearly a million hours this quarter, while Global Radio held steady. "Strong national talent" doesn't win every battle.
Secondly, the BBC can hardly be accused of stealing commercial audiences through talent alone. Wogan has presented Radio 2's breakfast show for 15 years, Moyles has fronted the same show on Radio 1 for more than four. Also on Radio 2, Jonathan Ross has missed Saturday lunch since 1999 and Steve Wright hasn't picked up the kids from school in a similar number of years.
Ability only takes a presenter so far; consistency and familiarity are fundamental to audience growth. How many breakfast shows has your local commercial station had in the past 15 years? You'll need to grow a third hand to count them.
And didn't the BBC's talent used to belong to commercial radio? Moyles, Scott Mills and Chris Evans all honed their skills and gained their confidence on local commercial radio shows. That are now networked. Ah. How does any station with only two of its own shows develop new presenters?
Over regulation? Commercial radio has never had it so good, the rules have never been more malleable.
Ofcom has rubber-stamped Xfm's request to broadcast just seven hours of local programming a day, because the station serves "communities of interest bounded by specialist music". The regulator concluded that locality isn't an issue to people who like non-commercial music, as they did when granting Global Radio's request to network its Galaxy stations.
And I have to say, they're right. I'm loving the new sound of Galaxy in the daytime, what with their non-stop sweeps of hardcore German electronica. It's just a shame they play it at the same time as Girls Aloud.
Which seems to sum up the ethos of the industry right now. Commercial radio wants to return to the glory days of the empire, commanding loyal audiences and the wealth such power bequeaths, by doing less work, spending less money and performing sleights of hand wherever possible.
Blanket networking makes less sense than a thatched hen, but if you can explain it to me, please do. I'll be the one wearing a snorkel on the flight deck of a 737, enjoying a black coffee and wondering if Nana is baking rock buns for baby Jesus.
