Black taxis thundered into Westminster from 8am as Tory MPs galloped towards a leadership bloodbath with the joy of lemmings swallow diving into the ocean.
“I think some of my colleagues may have forgotten to take their meds,” said loyalist Simon Hoare as the Conservative party enjoyed its favourite sport, staging a leadership crisis in the middle of a real one. “If this is a coup it is organised by the Three Stooges,” he added.
While MPs queued up at the Abingdon Green media campsite to plunge the knife or parade their toadying, the real Tory voices were those muttering behind hands in the darker corridors. “I’ve seen the tweets from Javid and Hunt supporting May, but I note that neither is in front of the TV cameras,” hissed a well-connected Brexiteer.
A Sensible minister countered: “Boris is not exactly hogging the spotlight for once either. Where is he?” Indeed, the grassroots favourite was keeping his hands well away from the gore.
The mood in the Tory ranks was perhaps summed up by former Labour minister Jim Murphy, who tweeted: “I’m standing at bus stop in central London and just overheard 3 men arguing with one another. I turned around when one called the other a c**t. It was only then I noticed it was 3 Tory MPs going ‘blue on blue’. I’m not so sure that this Brexit thing is going to end well.”
The day started in a mood of high expectations. Everyone in SW1A knew the 48 letters were written and it was quickly confirmed that 1922 Committee chairman Sir Graham Brady had formally informed the Prime Minister last night. What was not known was whether the ERG had checked they had the 158 votes needed to defeat the PM in the confidence vote taking place between 6pm and 8pm tonight.
One theory being mischievously put around was that the Prime Minister’s supporters had slipped a few extra letters in to get the ERG over the line on a day that suits Mrs May to fight. As this newspaper pointed out a fortnight ago, this day was already identified as having perfect conditions, coming as the PM is trying to renegotiate the backstop.
“I’m fine for now, I did get some porridge,” veteran anchor Adam Boulton blurted out live on air, proving sane priorities were also being addressed amid the madness.
