Off yer bike? A still from the US TV show CHiPs
Today, Robert Redford's Sundance Channel launches the world's first regularly scheduled environmentally sound programming strand, entitled The Green. The exact details of what will be broadcast are not yet known, but it is thought the schedule will comprise some or all of the following:
Green CSI Grissom and his team find a possibly mislabelled chicken in the organic produce department. They must race to find out whether it was in fact painlessly slaughtered to the requisite strains of Mantovani in the background after a lifetime of massages and regular skiing holidays or whether there has been dirty, pesticidal work at the crossroads.
Law & Order We follow eight local councils as they struggle to enforce recycling laws amongst a determinedly recidivist community. Will Mrs Trellis finally learn what day to put her tins and newspapers out or will Kenneth Jobsworth have to kill her pets? Will Nigel Bumcrack agree to place his rubbish in a black sack and drag it to the edge of his cartilage or will he be placed in custody and dragged off to the state penitentiary?
CHiPs repeats The motorcycles have been digitally erased. Officers Francis Llwellyn "Ponch" Poncherello and Jon Baker now patrol the California highway on foot, taking down the numbers of everyone not running on unleaded or carpooling and talking to them very sternly at the end.
Will Not Grace A sitcom raising awareness about the dangers of overpopulation and what we as individuals can do about it.
The A-Team The Team abandon their van for a Prius and are hired by a man in a drought-stricken area who is sure his neighbour is using a hosepipe under cover of darkness. Mr T still refuses to go in aeroplanes but this is now because he is trying to minimise his carbon footprint and not because he is afraid.
Really Desperate Housewives Gaby, Susan, Bree and Lynette are all living in Gaby's house, now the Wisteria Lane Commune. The others' homes have been razed to the ground and the land used to grow vegetables and fruit trees to support the community sustainably. Tonight, Edie causes trouble by inviting everyone to a party serving farmed salmon canapés and using patio heaters on the front lawn. Gaby is tempted. Will the others persuade her to stay in for another evening of knitting sleeveless hemp vests for Susan round the wood-burning stove repatriated from the Scavo pizzeria? Or will she head off for a night of planet-raping, sybaritic indulgence and be unable to perform her shift at the apple press in the morning?
Farmers' Market Sweep Two contestants meander round a farmers' market with a large recycled paper bag. Who will get least?
Life on Mars In a biosphere. Better get used to it.
