Comic Relief Does The Apprentice: who's who

You're fired! One of these people was responsible for one of the biggest scandals in the BBC's history, the other is doing an impression of Andrew Sachs picking up his answer machine messages. But which is which? From left, they are: Jack Dee, Gerald Ratner, Patsy Palmer, Carol Vorderman, Michelle Mone, Ruby Wax, Fiona Phillips, Jonathan Ross, Alan Carr and Gok Wan. Answers on a postcard? Don't bother Photograph: BBC/Talkback Thames

At least he didn't end up with egg on his face. Channel 4 regular Alan Carr sports a red nose on his forehead instead Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Unlike the men's team, the women's team didn't need to bother bringing a calculator. They had erstwhile Countdown co-host, Carol Vorderman instead! But was she the one, er, counted out by Sir Alan? What a conundrum Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Sir Alan has a habit of waking wannabe Apprentices with an early morning call. But it wouldn't have been a problem for former GMTV presenter Fiona Phillips. Because she's used to getting up early, see? Next! Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Former Ratners boss Gerald Ratner famously admitted to selling 'crap' in the high street jewellery chain he used to own. Back in 1991, he said he 'sold a pair of earrings for under a pound, which is cheaper than a prawn sandwich from Marks & Spencer, but probably wouldn't last as long'. Sir Alan likes a straight talker. But does he like them that straight? Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Sir Alan is not overly interested in How To Look Good Naked, hosted by Channel 4's Gok Wan. He wants to know How To Look Good When I'm Even Bloodier Richer Than I Am Already. And definitely not How To Look Bad When I've Ended Up With Less Money Than I Started With. It's at this point I should point out that it's all for charity Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

It's miserabilist funnyman Jack Dee, who played a miserabilist funnyman in sitcom Lead Balloon and was the miserabilist winner of the first series of Celebrity Big Brother, also for Comic Relief. Expect him to be a laugh riot Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

If any of his fellow contestants suggests Jonathan Ross put a call in to Andrew Sachs to squeeze a few quid out of the former Fawlty Towers star, everyone in the country should donate at least £1 to Comic Relief. That should break a fund-raising record or two. But will they? Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Look who it isn't! It's Michelle Mone (tap, tap, tap, Google, Google, Google) the Glaswegian founder of lingerie brand Ultimo. Of course it is Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Possibly the only contestant who could outbellow Sir Alan in the boardroom. It's EastEnders' very own Patsy Palmer. You're fired! Ricky! You're fired! Ricky! You're fired! Alright, alright, here's my credit card number, take £100, just make it stop ... Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

The contestant most likely to give Sir Alan the hump, it's straight-talking Ruby Wax, who plays it safe by putting the Comic Relief red nose ... on her nose Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Surely this lot can't win! I mean, look at them. They haven't got a hope. Except when you take a look at the men's team ... Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames

Exactly. Look who they're up against. Now you're thinking the women might actually have a chance. Still, plenty of fun is guaranteed. And lots of good work for charity. Let's hope no-one does a Rupert Everett and flounces out before their time is up Photograph: BBC/TalkbackThames