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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Entertainment

Comedians' alternative cracker jokes

Cracker jokes: Cracker jokes
I get a lot of ‘previous owner’ post, which goes in the bin. One guy who used to live in my house was called Michael Cunningham. Last year he got a lot of Christmas cards, so I put them up as my own: ‘Dear Michael, Merry Christmas.’ Who’s to know?
Michael MacIntyre Photograph: guardian.co.uk
Cracker jokes: Cracker jokes
My mate’s allergic to rice…
He’s basmatic.
Shappi Khorsandi Photograph: guardian.co.uk
Cracker jokes: Cracker jokes
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Jimmy Carr Photograph: guardian.co.uk
Cracker jokes: Cracker jokes
Is it just me or is it weird that parents give their children stockings and a satsuma? Chuck in a length of rope and you’ve got a sex game starter pack.
Alan Carr Photograph: guardian.co.uk
Cracker jokes: Cracker jokes
What’s short, furry and highly dangerous? Sex with a bear.
Laura Solon Photograph: guardian.co.uk
Cracker jokes: Cracker jokes
What’s brown and taps on windows?
Poo on stilts.
Al Murray Photograph: guardian.co.uk
Cracker jokes: Cracker jokes
Good things come to those who wait…
But shit pretty much turns up right away.
Rich Hall Photograph: guardian.co.uk
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