Dear Agony Akka,
I am a student from Kerala and classes are reopening from February 14. I thought they won’t open this year and I didn’t write down any notes. Now I have only one week to finish them. Moreover, I was enjoying home studying because I used to put one selfie on screen and paint my nails while the teacher went on about torque and momentum. My brother is in third year History and he used to play online rummy. Now it will all end. Why can’t your prestigious newspaper write to authorities and let us continue home study? It is more peaceful.
— Facing Rampantly Escalating Tension
Dear FRET,
I can’t begin to tell you how much I sympathise. I am sure Karnataka students will also agree with you. Who thought that one day they would land up in class only to be chased and mocked by stick-wielding gangs? They must be very angry with Omicron for going away and leaving them at the mercy of other variants.
In my housing colony many people are also cribbing because return to office has slowly started. They were settled into comfy WFH routine and now this has come as a rude shock. Like Kangana Runout suddenly saying something nice. Nobody expected it.
Nilima from 16D is saying she can no longer focus on work unless she simultaneously chops vegetables. Moreover, she thought Corona was permanent feature like potholes on Bengaluru roads and is angry that they expect her to actually turn up at office. Mahesh says for two years he has attended all meetings with shirt and underpants and now hates trousers.
Once you get used to slumping in front of home PC with unshaven face and samosa crumbs raining from your body, it can be difficult to start meeting humans in office environment again. You never know when you will start scratching your stomach in the middle of a meeting without realising it is real life.
It will be much easier for you students. You can continue the same lifestyle in college as at home. Unwashed, unprepared and underwhelming. Frankly, if I were a teacher, I would not want you brats back either. You will all sit there massed together like budding mafiosi with nothing between your eyebrows but space. It must be terrible.
But what do I know? My teacher friend says that online classes are like sending lessons down a black hole. But at least there is a screen between her and the hole. Imagine facing that gaping space in person each day. One shudders.
There is, however, hope for you. More and more universities are hiring vice-chancellors who are not wise but very chancy. Once you convince them that your entire motivation for returning to class is to ensure that nobody is allowed to wear what they want or eat what they want and that you will run around attacking all your classmates, they will be so happy they will let you play online rummy all day.
In fact, they are mulling a new phone game especially for students. You have to create one garment each day, like papaya-coloured scarf or carrot-coloured cap. Then your online avatar must wear the idea and throw stones at other avatars who are not wearing same thing. Maximum hits means you will win. Very simple. They are hoping NYT will buy this also like Wordle. But I feel Zuckerberg will buy it first for Meta.
The new game is very good for student community. It improves hand-eye coordination. And teaches chromatics. Surely now you want to return to class?
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
