Dear Coleen
I’m a married woman in my 30s and I don’t have kids. Most of my social life revolves around work and I often go out drinking with my colleagues in the evening.
I started getting to know a slightly younger guy who works in a different department. We hit it off and after one particularly drunken night, I ended up back at his place and we slept together. I stayed the night and lied to my husband that I’d gone back to a mate’s house.
The sex with my colleague was great and inevitably we started meeting regularly for a drink on our own and going back to his place afterwards.
My husband never questioned why I stayed out late or didn’t come home. Luckily, he’s used to me working long hours and I always had a good excuse.
Anyway, now I’m regretting everything as I’ve created a big mess. I was only ever in this affair for fun and sex, and I thought my colleague was, too. However, when I tried to break it off, he got really mad and upset, saying he’d fallen in love with me and I’d led him to believe I had feelings for him.
He keeps texting and calling me, so I’m worried my husband will start to twig that something is going on.
He also said he felt like telling my husband about our affair, so now I’m out of my mind with stress.
I realise I’ve been stupid and have no one to blame but myself, but I’d welcome some advice.
Coleen says
Well you obviously didn’t think about how things might play out when you got into this affair for fun and sex.
If you think he’s being serious about telling your husband, then maybe the best thing to do is tell your husband yourself. At least that way you can be in control of explaining what happened and why you did it.
And why you did it is the important bit – you have to be honest with yourself and your hubby about what led you to the affair and what isn’t working in your marriage.
I don’t think it was just a bit of fun – affairs are usually a symptom of a deeper problem that hasn’t been addressed.
Are you bored? Do you not feel loved by your husband? Has sex gone off the boil?
Even if you decide not to admit to the affair, you have to confront the issues in your marriage and talk to your husband. If you want the marriage to survive you need to put in effort to make it fun, passionate, loving and supportive, and stop looking outside it for these things.
