OUTFOXED AND OUTFOUGHT
Musing about the afterlife towards the end of a popular movie directed by Martin McDonagh, Colin Farrell’s character, Ray the hitman, wonders if hell might perhaps be “the entire rest of eternity spent in Bruges”. While it’s true that the Belgian city might be more popular as a weekend destination for couples who like to wander around looking at old stuff than a bolt-hole for hired guns with low boredom thresholds, it will always have a special place in the hearts of Leicester City fans. For them, it is the place where they played their first ever match in Big Cup, an occasion marked with an emphatic 3-0 win in which Riyad Mahrez proved a far more capable hitman than Farrell by adding two goals to the opener scored by Marc Albrighton without causing any collateral damage to choirboys, drug-abusing dwarves, American tourists or couples who like to wander around looking at old stuff.
“Maybe the music woke him,” trilled Claudio Ranieri of a player whose performances so far this season had been well below the high standards he’d set in winning last year’s PFA Player of the Year award. “Maybe he’s tired of dilly-ding, dilly-dong and the [Big Cup] music woke him. I liked his performance, he worked very hard.”
Meanwhile at Wembley, where Spurs are playing their home games in this season’s Big Cup, the mellifluous, soul-stirring strains of Handel’s Zadok The Priest seemed to put Mauricio Pochettino’s defence to sleep, as they gifted Monaco two goals en route to defeat in their first outing in the competition since 2011, when they made the quarter-finals before going out to Real Madrid. Much has been made of how difficult it would be for Spurs to play at Wembley, what with the pitch being slightly more rectangular than the one they’re used to at White Hart Lane, the number of supporters on hand to cheer them on much greater and the pegs in the dressing room being that little bit more … “hangy”. But if that’s the case, Pochettino wasn’t about to use it as an excuse.
“We showed a lack of passion because we cannot concede these goals,” he fumed, having watched his team concede these goals. “This is how we spoke in the changing room.” His opposite number, Leonardo Jardim, was prepared to concede that the ample acreage of Spurs’s Big Cup digs might have played into his side’s hands. “Tactically, the fact that Wembley is a larger pitch than White Hart Lane might have affected Tottenham negatively, because they like to press,” he said. “On a bigger pitch, it is harder to close players down.” Harder to close players down and harder for your manager to shout at his hapless defenders. Because as we’ve all learned from another popular movie: in space, no one can hear you scream.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We made a mistake. We apologise to all those we have offended the sensibilities. After talking at length with Di Canio, despite his professionalism and football expertise, together we decided to suspend his collaboration” – Jacques Raynaud, Sky Sport Italia suit, on ditching Paolo Di Canio for displaying his Mussolini tribute tattoo while presenting a show. Who knew?
![Paolo Di Canio, [Snip – Fiver Lawyers] right, in 2005.](https://media.guim.co.uk/2edfd671f7cf1cb54c892cb02f6a9c517e2905b9/0_557_2200_1319/1000.jpg)
FIVER LETTERS
“Any ideas why the big screens at Wembley on Wednesday night didn’t show goal replays, y’know, like you get sat at home without spending £150 on tickets, £50 on travel, £5 for a pint, £25 on three sandwiches and £6 on three doughnuts? Hey, let’s all go to the match!” – Chris (Villa fan, but plastic Spur for the night) Jones [34.01 – Fiver Ed].
“I’ll thank Brendan Rodgers not to compare Berwick to Barcelona (yesterday’s Fiver). Berwick do very well in a league outside the country they’re actually in, whereas Barcelona … oh yeah, Catalonia. Good comparison Brendan” – Andy Taylor.
“One line I particularly enjoyed in yesterday’s edition of The Fiver, is the mention of God being charged with match-fixing. It is a serious question. If God decided to make a professional career of it and became a regular up front for Barcelona (which is obviously what would happen), being the ultimate omnipotent being who created and commands the entire universe, and subsequently defines the outcome of a football match with only his will, would he be charged with match-fixing? I tried thinking about it for a minute, but then my nose started bleeding from the mental exertion” – Dan Makeham.
“Is it me, or is Nolito’s robot (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) waving goodbye already?” – Kevin Denham.
“I was reading yesterday’s Fiver (seriously) all the way to the end, and realised that this is perhaps the first time I have thoroughly enjoyed every section. I must be ill. Or am I?” – Eric Penner [Nurse! – Fiver Ed].
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. We have a prize to give away each day of this week, in the shape of Carrie Dunn’s excellent The Roar of the Lionesses, courtesy of the kind people at Pitch Publishing. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Andy Taylor. Do send us your details, Andy.
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BITS AND BOBS
Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola wants fans to stop booing the Big Cup anthem. “I was not here for what happened but they must forget what happened in the past,” he blurted after their 4-0 win over Mönchengladbach. Boo!
Big Vase is back, baby, and José Mourinho is slap bang in the middle of it. “This is not a competition that Manchester United wants,” he drawled before their game at Feyenoord. “It is not a competition I want, it is not a competition the players want.”
Southampton, meanwhile, host Sparta Prague, fresh off some hot chat with England egg-chasing coach Eddie Jones. “It’s interesting to meet him, and to discuss together, for example, tactics in playing rugby,” cheered Claude Puel.
Antonio Conte insists Cesc Fàbregas remains part of his Chelsea plans. Well, someone needs to put out the cones and keep him company on the bench.
Everton’s Ronald Koeman has told Ross Barkley to raise his game. “I showed him the clips and there is no escape,” he tooted. “In all aspects he needs to improve.”
And Pope’s Newc O’Rangers boss Mark Warburton is feeling funky at all the bad words being said about their 5-1 Old Firm derby beatdown last weekend. “Too many aspects of the Scottish media are negative and it would be good for everybody in the game if there was a little bit of positivity when the situation arises,” he parped. “People keep asking me if I’m OK. Of course we’re OK.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Lovely images of Hackney Marshes’ league of nations.
The David Luiz paradox. By Jonathan Wilson.
Dirk Kuyt, 85, is still going strong and now he’s got Manchester United in his sights with Feyenoord. Here’s Paul MacInnes.
What makes Brazil so brilliant at football, when they’re not getting their backsides handed to them at proper finals? Alex Bellos and Ben Lyttleton explain in this extract from their new kids book.
How Gheorghe Hagi went from Real Madrid to Barcelona, via Serie B. Richard Hall reminisces.
Cammy Bell’s hat-trick and Pelé’s Hot Shot acting feature in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Luis Miguel Echegaray on how MLS embraced Latinos.
Breaking the Law: punish teams for parking the bus, roars Beau Dure.
Picture of the day: Legia Warsaw’s terrifying tifo.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
