Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert celebrated the resignation of the New York governor Andrew, Cuomo, on Tuesday amid a ballooning sexual harassment scandal, a stunning end to a precipitous fall in public and political favor. “Don’t let that door hit you on the butt on the way out,” Colbert quipped, “but if it does, that door should also resign.”
Cuomo will still be governor for 14 days “for reasons that I do not understand”, Colbert added. “Evidently, he gave himself two weeks’ notice.”
Cuomo’s resignation comes a week after New York’s attorney general, Letitia James, presented a 165-page report outlining allegations of sexual harassment and groping by 11 women.
In the press conference announcing his resignation, Cuomo stopped short of contrition or humility. “In my mind, I’ve never crossed the line with anyone,” he said. “But I didn’t realized the extent to which the line has been redrawn.”
“I don’t know exactly what line he’s talking about,” Colbert joked in response, “but hopefully he’ll explain it in his new book Andrew and the Purple Crayon.”
In less terrestrial news, the billionaire Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, announced plans to put billboards in space. “No, Elon, no!” Colbert responded. “Mankind gazes up to the stars to wonder ‘What’s up there? What’s my place in the universe?’ Not, ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’”
The ads won’t be that giant; according to a report from Business Insider, the Canadian start-up Geometric Energy Corporation plans to place advertisements on SpaceX rockets next year, which will be filmed via selfie stick and livestreamed to platforms like Youtube. “Oh good, using the pinnacle of human ingenuity and engineering to make more of everyone’s favorite part of YouTube: the ads,” said Colbert.
Finally, American “Flavortown” connoisseur Guy Fieri unveiled a new culinary triumph. Or, to quote a Fox News headline: “Guy Fieri invents Apple Pie Hot Dog with Chevrolet for MLB’s Field of Dreams game.”
“And we’ve officially found it: the most American sentence ever written,” said Colbert. “Sorry, ‘we the people’, this is our constitution now.”
Jimmy Fallon
“During his remarks, [Cuomo] said it was best that he step aside,” said Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show, “and then every woman in the room took two steps aside.”
Cuomo will be succeeded by the lieutenant governor, Kathy Hochul, who will be New York’s first female governor when he steps down in 14 days. “I’m sorry, but is this really a two weeks notice type of situation?” Fallon wondered.
“It’s gonna be tough for Cuomo – with a track record like this, his only future is president or supreme court justice,” he deadpanned.
Meanwhile, the Senate passed Biden’s $1.2tn infrastructure bill on Tuesday in a major victory for the administration. “That’s right, a trillion dollars to fix our roads, bridges and airports,” said Fallon, “so after they finish LaGuardia, that’ll leave us with about 40 bucks.”
And in Florida, where the number of Covid cases are surging once again, the governor, Ron DeSantis, has threatened to withhold pay from any school officials who require masks indoors. “I’m nervous about DeSantis,” Fallon said, “I mean, right now, people in Florida are like, ‘When can Cuomo start?’”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers also discussed Cuomo’s resignation with friend and fellow comic Amy Poehler. “This is frankly amazing: he made the announcement via book,” Meyers joked.
“That’s right, New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he will resign amid multiple allegations of sexual harassment,” he continued, “so tune into CNN tonight for, I don’t know, a rerun of the History of the Sitcom?”
Poehler joined Meyers to weigh in on the appropriateness of physical gestures Cuomo listed in his defense. His claim that he regularly greets people by gripping their arm? “I don’t like the word grip,” said Poehler. Pat on the face? “I don’t like the word pat either.” Slap on the back? “Well, I have a more positive connotation to that because it feels Irish to me,” Poehler said. “Although we’ve all had experiences where we’ve gotten the like angry slap on the back from somebody who’s like, ‘Good job, buddy.’”
As for the one that Cuomo buried in the middle of the list, touch on the belly, “oh, that’s gonna be a no from me,” said Poehler.
