Stephen Colbert
“I’ve always hoped to live to see the end of the Covid safety precautions,” said Stephen Colbert on Tuesday evening. “We all get to burn our masks at a bonfire and then do something crazy like make out or eat free grocery store samples. But turns out that’s not how pandemics end. Not with a bang, but with a court order.”
The Late Show host referred to a court order by a federal judge in Florida that struck down the mask mandate for planes and public transit. “Which is great news for anyone who ever rode public transport and said ‘this is way too sanitary’,” Colbert quipped.
The ruling came from Kathryn Kimball Mizelle, a Tampa-based federal judge appointed by Trump after he lost the 2020 election. “You can’t let Florida make health decisions for the entire country!” Colbert said. “That’s not smart! The Florida food pyramid is just gator jerky and meth.”
In a 59-page ruling, Mizelle argued that the CDC exceeded their mandate in requiring masks on planes and public transit, and that their power was limited to cleaning property, not requiring people to take proper hygienic steps. “Yes you cannot force people to follow basic hygiene,” Colbert deadpanned. “You can only make them clean property, explains the new bathroom sign: ‘Before returning to work, employees must wash this sign.’”
Mizelle also argued that masks were a futile public health measure because “wearing a mask cleans nothing. At most, it traps virus droplets.”
“That’s the mask’s job, you dummy!” Colbert exclaimed. “So my droplets don’t get on you! That’s like saying, ‘This diaper is useless, every time I put one on my baby it fills up with poop.”
All major airline carriers immediately changed their mask policies, with some announcing the change mid-flight. “Look, people can take this news however they want, but it’s unfair for people who might be immunocompromised or traveling with unvaccinated children to change the rules mid-flight,” Colbert noted. “That’s like being told halfway through a dinner party that it’s an orgy.”
Trevor Noah
Things that shouldn’t change mid-flight: cabin pressure, seats, and mask mandates. pic.twitter.com/zE3g0JYsDz
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) April 20, 2022
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah also commented on the mask mandate change that took effect mid-flight for some passengers. “I don’t care what you think of masks – you have to admit, it is insane to change a safety rule in the middle of a flight!” he said.
“Just as a general rule, nothing should change mid-flight, ever. Nothing. I don’t want the course changing, I don’t want the cabin pressure changing. I definitely don’t want my seat changing so that you can sit next to your wife.
“The point is: a lot of people only booked that flight in the first place because they felt safe knowing that everyone had to wear masks,” he added. “You can’t just flip that while people are already on the plane. You have to give people a chance to decide if this is something they want to do.”
The swift policy change is “crazy”, he added. “This would be like if a rollercoaster decided to change its safety policies when you’re already on the ride.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel checked in yet again on the former president’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election, 18 months after he lost. According to the New York Times, several Trump allies who initially tried to discredit the election through bogus voter fraud and conspiracy theories have shifted to a wild sequel: that by “decertifying” the 2020 vote in several states, they could reverse the outcome.
“What is it going to take for him to get over this?” Kimmel wondered. “Does the McRib have to come back? I mean really, you lost! America is just not that into you.
“I think they think if they complain long enough eventually they’ll get their way,” he continued. “This is the presidency, this is not the Snyder cut of Justice League. You’re not going to get your way.”
In other Trump news, a massive outage at his supposed alternative to Twitter, Truth Social, left many of its small handful of users unable to access the platform.
The company’s CEO, Devin Nunes, “attempted to put a spin on his incompetence” with a statement: “As many of you know our team has been working non stop to ensure that TRUTH can not be shut down by tech tyrants,” he wrote in part. “Which means he probably forgot to pay the electric bill,” Kimmel joked.
“Why would tyrants try to shut down a service that barely works,” Kimmel added. “In order to shut something down, it has to be up.”
