SOUTH-GATE
The English national football team has had 14 permanent managers, a sequence stretching all the way back to 1946. The longest serving of those is still the first, Walter Winterbottom, who held on to the job until 1962. A nice man, Walter. Didn’t rock the boat. Anyway, that’s 16 years, a record that’s stood for another 54. Reason we mention this is because, at some point, someone’s going to break it. It’s about that time. Law of averages. So all hail new boss Gareth Southgate, who basic theories of statistical distribution strongly suggest he will still be in the post come 2033. Hurrah!
Southgate’s appointment had been expected to be formally announced by the FA board just after lunch. But there was quite a big cheese plate to get through, plus coffee, petits fours, digestifs and cigars. Followed by a gentle stirring of the bowels and appropriate toilette. Technical director Dan Ashworth was also expected to take up a couple of minutes by making Southgate’s case using PowerPoint and Clip Art. Finally a couple of the board members nipped back to the executive bathroom because the chutney and oatcakes served with the cheese were really rather rich.
Two-and-a-half hours later, the FA finally emerged. “We are delighted to confirm Gareth as England manager,” simpered chief executive Martin Glenn of their latest will-this-do selection, before adding some platitudes about his “understanding of the development set-up” and “being a great ambassador for what the FA stands for”, office buzz-phrases that just about work when displayed using Microsoft’s premier slide-show presentation program, but don’t really make too much sense out in the real world. Glenn also praised Southgate for “performing extremely well” during his time as caretaker coach, a spell which included a draw that felt like a defeat against some uninterested second-choice Spaniards and a garden-variety win over a Scotland side who have long collectively given up on life.
“I am extremely proud to be appointed England manager,” smiled the man himself upon landing the job he didn’t want in the summer. “There’s huge potential. I’m determined to give everything I have to give the country a team that they’re proud of, and one they’re going to enjoy watching play. For me, the hard work starts now.” Hard work indeed, and for not much reward: it’s rumoured that Southgate isn’t getting the same level of financial package offered to Roy Hodgson and Sam Allardyce, and the four-year contract he demanded has a break clause after the 2018 World Cup, which sounds like a two-year contract to simple folk like us. Then again, who needs legally binding agreements when the law of averages is firmly on your side? This is surely the start of a Winterbottom-esque 16-year reign! You see if the Fiver’s wrong!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve been dying in silence, with nobody to help me. I remember going to have a shop and not having money to buy something; I came to [Boavista] and said I needed money for food. They haven’t paid my house rent, haven’t paid for my electricity – I remember two days when I didn’t have any electricity in my house. They didn’t care; they don’t give me any money and don’t care for me.” – Nigerian international Michael Uchebo is not having the best time of it in Portugal, as reported by Nick Ames.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’m so excited at the prospect of another slice of Gareth Southgate appearing regularly on our TV. Pizza Hut adverts have just been, well, as bland as a brown paper bag without him. Its just a shame I’ll have to wait until June 2018. Still, I’ve a few purple tins, vocal chords, clenched waving fists to get through until then” – Peter Fosse.
Many thanks to the Fiver for its truly thoughtful and respectful presentation after the Colombian air disaster [yesterday’s Fiver]. Well played, folks. And, assuming regular service will be resumed after that touching tribute, may I be the reluctant first of many pedants to offer “Southgate Out” – Mike Wilner.
“If Theo Walcott [Monday’s Quote of the Day] doesn’t get to 10 goals by Christmas and receive a coffee machine from his wife, I’ll happily donate mine to him. I bought it for a lot of money about 10 years ago, despite it being an unknown brand. It’s really fast, but it breaks down pretty much every month and the end product is rather weak and often disappointing. I’ve tried to banish it to the right-hand side of my kitchen counter top to get it out of my way, but it always seems to end up sliding back into the centre. I’m convinced it has delusions of grandeur and thinks it’s a cooker or something” – Paul Fowler.
“Theo Walcott earns a reported £110,000 a week, and no doubt a goal bonus on top of that, yet is targeting one more strike before Christmas (ie doing his job) to ‘earn’ a £200 coffee machine from his wife? And people have the cheek to suggest that professional footballers don’t understand the value of money. My question is whether Coleen Rooney will be buying Wayne a Hatchimal for Christmas if he gets his place back in José Mourinho’s starting XI” – Ben Graham.
“May I offer José Mourinho a form of defence for the accusation that he kicked a water bottle in anger during Manchester United’s match with West Ham United at the weekend. He should state, as Einstein’s theory on the speed of light is in question, that he did not in fact connect with said bottle, but that it was some other form of friction, such as the wind, that caused the bottle to move” – Raymond Reardon.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver.Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Paul Fowler.
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BITS AND BOBS
£25m for Bournemouth’s Callum Wilson? £25m for Bournemouth’s Callum Wilson!
Pop quiz: with what did Tim Cahill score the winner for Melbourne City against Sydney FC in the FFA Cup final? a) his right foot b) his left foot c) his head.
Chelsea have announced that they have retained an external law firm to carry out an investigation concerning an individual employed by the club in the 1970s, who is now dead. It is believed the investigation is connected to allegations of historical sexual abuse amid claims that the club sanctioned a secret payment to a former youth team footballer who accused the club’s ex-chief scout Eddie Heath of child sexual abuse.
The victims of the Colombian plane crash will be honoured at a mass wake inside the stadium of Chapecoense, the club’s vice-president has said.
Chapecoense’s 42-year-old goalkeeper Nivaldo has announced his immediate retirement from football. “I was supposed to go on the trip but ended up staying. I didn’t travel to Palmeiras [on Sunday], because it would make my farewell game to play here against Atletico-MG, when I would complete 300 games for the club.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Steven Gerrard, Paul Robinson and Mr Pardew’s Palace are in David Squires’s crosshairs in this week’s cartoon.
“Divorced, beheaded and died; sacked, disgraced, resigned. Not forgetting of course seduced by sheikhs, humiliated by an emerging volcano-nation and bought and sold for a pint of wine and a keynote speaker gig. Like doomed Tudor wives, this seems to be the lot of England football managers now, remembered more for the frenzied drama of their departures than any tangible success on the pitch” – so begins Barney Ronay’s take on our Gareth.
Former Newcastle player Derek Bell talks publicly for the first time to David Conn about the abuse he suffered by George Ormond, his coach at the Montagu and North Fenham boys football club.
Football’s sexual abuse scandal shows the media cannot flinch from putting itself at the centre of stories of institutional failure, says Marina Hyde.
Graeme Le Saux, meanwhile, has written a column explaining why clubs must work with organisations such as the NSPCC to train their staff to spot warning signs and deal with them.
The Ben Woodburn hype machine is in full flow. Impress your mates with some context, courtesy of Andy Hunter.
How a team from Luxembourg with a one-armed striker lost 21-0 to Chelsea. Craig McCracken explains.
Surely Leicester City’s title win beats Team GB or England rugby for the Spoty team award, reckons Paul Wilson.
Diego Perotti, Tom Rogic and Felix Kroos all feature in this edition of GOALS OF THE WEEK.
And you asked the Knowledge which players have scored hat-tricks on their international debuts. The Knowledge has never been happier.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
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