ANOTHER FINE MESS
Last October, in the final round of the Conmebol World Cup qualifiers, Lionel Messi scored a sensational hat-trick in Ecuador to salvage Argentina’s campaign when all seemed lost. On Tuesday night, as he sat in the stands at the Wanda Metropolitano in Madrid, watching on impotently as his international team-mates were humiliated 6-1 by fellow La Liga types, he could be forgiven for wondering why on earth he bothered. Would it have been so bad had Argentina missed out on the World Cup? The last time they did that, in 1970, the tournament ended up being pretty enjoyable anyway. Admittedly that might not be a commonly held view in Argentina itself, but we’re looking at the bigger picture here.
Thing is, because of Messi’s outrageous heroics, Argentina are now committed to a summer in Russia, where there’s a chance they’ll run into the likes of Spain again. Or perhaps Brazil, who spanked them 3-0 in the qualifiers. And they’ll definitely have to play Nigeria, who stuck four past them in Russia only four months ago. It’s all a bit of a worry for Messi, who by the looks of things will have to bear quite a load on his shoulders come June. ‘Twas ever thus, The Fiver supposes, though this is as bad as things have ever got for the Albiceleste, equalling record five-goal defeats against Bolivia (2009), Colombia (1993), Uruguay (1959) and Czechoslovakia (1958, and that one at a World Cup won by Brazil, to boot). No wonder Messi was pictured at one point closing his eyes tight and drifting off to his safe space, where he trots around Camp Nou on a red-and-blue unicorn, repeatedly back-heeling balls into an unguarded net.
But dreams have a habit of seamlessly segueing into nightmares, and Messi soon woke up with a start, and in a cold sweat. The unicorn had morphed into a three-legged blue-and-white donkey which sat down and refused to budge, unwilling to listen to reason, and so Messi was chased barefoot across Russia, over fields covered in hot coals, broken glass and bricks of Lego, by two twinkle-toed ghosts, Diego and Mario. There was a ticker-tape parade. To be fair, Argentina were also missing Angel Di María, Sergio Agüero and Paulo Dybala, so there were mitigating circumstances to the Spain debacle. But while the Isco-inspired Iberians made a convincing case for regaining the trophy they surrendered meekly in 2014, Argentina’s chances of a first shiny prize since the 1993 Copa America - and Messi’s hopes of joining Maradona and Kempes in the World Cup pantheon - seem slim. Those hoping for a first winner from South America since 2002 may require Brazil to take up the slack yet again.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I think in a World Cup match he would have got a red card for kicking out at me like he did. In a friendly game sometimes referees can leave it. People might look at that and think he could be wound up – and in football you have to take advantage of everything. When you know the type of player someone is, you try to do things that might make them crazy and see their team lose them with a red card. England will see what happened and they will try to take advantage of it” – Costa Rica’s Kendall Waston reckons England should poke the bear that is Tunisia’s Wahbi Khazri at the World Cup.
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ЯECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on England’s latest World Cup 2018 preparations.
FIVEЯ LETTERS
“Hmm … Attempting to make something look Russian by turning the R the wrong way round. That’s the sort of lazy national stereotyping we’ve come to expect from you. Well done Fiver, you never let us up” – Ken Macdonald.
“May I set out the stall for most weekly World Cup email receivers? Wry comment on Anglo-Russian diplomatic tensions and bunglesome preparations in the South America department are all very well, but please not at the expense of information to give us a competitive advantage in a pre-tournament fantasy football auction. From Croatia to Senegal, who are those starting wing-backs?” – Alistair Drummond.
“Please! One Fiver is more than enough. Is it too much to ask that, like the Stop Football campaign, we have a Stop Fiver campaign?” – Nigel Assam.
“I note Scotland aren’t relevant enough to have qualified nor bad enough to fall into your list of irrelevant countries (last week’s World Cup FiveЯ). Since 1998, I’ve come to terms with our unfailing inadequacy but as we’ve not even made this list, I’m now unclear how inadequate we actually are. Alas, if only our players were taller (or shorter), we might have a clearer idea of where we stand as an inadequate country and could focus on supporting everyone who plays England. Thanks Fiver” – Paul Jamieson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com with “The FiveЯ” in the subject line. Or just “World Cup Fiver” if that’s easier. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Got, got, need-to-fork-out-some-serious-dosh: a maths professor has calculated that filling this year’s Panini World Cup sticker book will cost collectors £773.60.
Fifa has said it is investigating alleged – and depressing – r@cist abuse directed at French players by Russia fans during France’s 3-1 win on Tuesday.
Toby Alderweireld has been warned by Roberto Martínez that his place in the Belgium side at the World Cup will be under threat if he remains out of favour at Spurs. “Every player needs to get a really good period of football now,” cheered the Belgium manager.
Serbia boss Mladen Krstajic reckons critics can stick his side’s 2-0 win over Nigeria in their pipe and smoke it. “The lads showed plenty of character and the display made it clear the critics were hasty in their remarks after the Morocco defeat,” he fumed.
STILL WANT MORE?
Argentina are in a mess, England should go for all-out attack and Kylian Mbappé’s heroics are papering over French cracks – it’s our talking points from the latest internationals.
Who is on the England plane to Russia and whose World Cup dreams are at risk? Dominic Fifield hands out his airline tickets.
CHOMP! World Cup stunning moments: Luis Suárez bites Giorgio Chiellini in 2014.
POW! World Cup stunning moments: Zinedine Zidane sticks one on Marco Materazzi.
Gareth Southgate reaches a defining question: To Dele or not to Dele? Barney Ronay ponders a big decision.
Our globetrotting writers Jacob Steinberg, Paul Doyle and Nick Ames run the rule over England’s opponents in Russia: Belgium, Tunisia and Panama.
Italy won’t be at the tournament: so what next for the Azzurri?
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