Name: Claude Littner
Age: 69
Appearance: Glowering, malevolent egg that looks as if it’s in physical pain when called upon to smile.
I know him. Old frowny-face. He’s the nasty man who does the nasty job interviews to the nasty candidates on that nasty TV show about apprentices. I forget what it’s called. And now he is stepping up as Surralanshugger’s right-hand man, instead of Nick Hewer.
Poor old Nick. Presumably it’s hard to take a man seriously as a hard-nosed crusher of dreams, when he spends his afternoons flirting with Rachel Riley in front of a crowd of pensioners. Quite.
And Littner is another level of meanness … Yes, he says: “I don’t get emotional about anything.” Unless, apparently, being needlessly mean is an emotion.
What’s his story, then? He spent many years before The Apprentice as Alan Sugar’s “company fixer” – which might suggest that Surralan is a bit rubbish at running companies – and now he chairs an IT firm. In his first interview with Littner, though, Sugar just said “BORED!” mid-interview, then got up and left.
Now, I’m no psychologist, but I’d hypothesise that this rejection manifests itself in Littner’s own horribly rude interview style. Indeed, like when he said to the late Stuart Baggs: “You’re not a big fish. You’re not even a fish,” or told Jordan Poulton: “You’re a parasite. This interview is terminated.”
Surely he could be referred to HR. Human resources departments are for people with emotions, and just to remind you, Littner has none. When contestant Paul Tulip summed himself up as “a likable person who can get along with anyone”, Littner replied: “Well you’re not getting along with me.”
So whereas Hewer’s USP was an air of owlish disdain, Claude is just a rude, horrible sod? He says he’s not like that in real life – family man, yadda yadda – but he drives a Bentley with the numberplate L177NER. You can’t trust a man who does that.
Why would you bother showing him your CV if he’s just going to demolish it? It’s hilarious to watch. He says that he takes job applicants talking rubbish as a personal affront to him.
Maybe being a job interviewer isn’t the right job for him. YOU’RE A PARASITE AND THIS PROFILE IS TERMINATED.
Do say: “You’ll notice that my covering letter is in a very jaunty font, and my CV has a photo of me dressed as you at a fancy-dress party.”
Don’t say: “Whose motor is that outside with the naff plates?”
