CLATTZ’S TATTZES
The Fiver isn’t going to lie to you. Some days are harder than others to eke out a few hundred words of topical association football banter. In the pre-season lull, with the blazing midsummer sun and balmy nights that we’re having, it is far too easy to copy and paste something out of Viz, add a few references to Phil Brown and Jason Lee’s pineapple-shaped hair to fill out the word count, fall back into a Tin-tinted stupor and let 5pm come and go. But every now and again you get a Fiver that writes itself, like earlier this summer when England appointed Big Sam or when Celtic lost to Lincoln Red Imps. Today, reader, is one of those days.
For Mark Clattenburg has got a tattoo. “It’s not every Sunday you get to tattoo the world’s top football referee … Mark Clattenburg back for more!” posted Mick Mahon, a tattoo artist from Arroyo de la Miel, Spain, near to where our brave official has recently been holidaying.
And not just any old ink: to commemorate his officiating of both the Champions League final and the Euro 2016 final this summer, the 41-year-old has got himself – you guessed it – a tattoo of the Champions League trophy with “Milano” etched underneath and a tattoo of the Euro 2016 logo, complete with the ™ sign. Don’t forget the trademark Mark! You’ve got that thing for life now and you don’t want anybody at Uefa finding out that you’ve broken the law by licensing their property without permission! You’re a referee for Pete’s sake!
In many ways, we should have seen this coming. In a profession in which the aim is not to be the centre of attention, Clattenburg has always displayed the hallmarks of a man trying to get in on the act: the fake tan, the Ed Sheeran concert, the tattoos. He even has a Porsche and a BMW, one of which has the license plate “C19TTS”. No, really. Last year, when he was invited by the Irish FA to speak to a group of young referees in Belfast, he came up with the corking line: “With a bit of hard work, you could achieve some sort of goals that are better than mine, equal, or just slightly less.” Goosebumps.
The man is an island, Pards incarnate, a walking ode to himself and all his achievements. And now they are laid out on his bicep and wrist for all to see, positioned just so that when he checks his watch this season and catches a glimpse of that Champions League trophy underneath the long-sleeve shirt that the Premier League make him wear to cover his other tatts, it will at least help him through another goalless draw at The Hawthorns.
Perhaps we should give Clattenburg a break. Its not as though the Fiver didn’t rush out and get itself a Big Website facial tattoo as soon as it started working at Guardian Towers. Olympians get tattoos of the Olympic rings to celebrate their achievements. Lots of people go on their gap years and get a tribal sleeve, so why shouldn’t a middle-aged man remember his summer of ‘16? And, all things said, he’s a pretty darn good referee. Play on, Clatters. The Clatman. El Clatterino. The world, and this Fiver, would be a more boring place without you.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The Nigerian government is responsible for booking the tickets for the team to travel but we heard there is a logistical mix-up with payments” – A Nigeria Football Federation source tells the BBC that the reason the Nigeria Olympic squad are currently kicking their heels in Atlanta rather than in Rio is because the charter airline company responsible for getting them there has not seen the colour of their money yet.
FIVER LETTERS
“Regarding James Keidel’s query [yesterday’s Fiver] I think it would mark Fellaini’s hair as ‘other equipment’, and therefore fall foul of Rule 4.4, which states that head covers must be ‘in keeping with the professional appearance of the player’s equipment’. Unless he moves to Norwich and they opt for their new third kit each week I guess” – David Hopkins.
“Keith Hackett of Big Website fame answered Mr Keidel’s question in April 2015. Provided the Big Belgian was allowed to start the game with said haircut (‘and there’s no reason to bar haircuts unless they represent a potential danger’), the goal will be allowed to stand. However, just as the rules were changed in 1912 specifically to spoil the fun for Leigh Richmond Roose, we could expect in subsequent seasons to see official barbers on the sidelines and nervous looks on the pre-game faces of Marouane Fellaini, Willian, et al. Yes, I am fun at parties, why do you ask?” – Matthew Richman.
“Considering James Keidel’s question even further. Is there anything in Fifa regulations that says the players must be, erm, human? I suggest to you that the keeper wedging the ball between an Ibex’s horns, then slapping it on the rump and shouting, ‘Ho big fellow!’ (or whatever other phrase it is that launches a sporting Ibex into action) would be great entertainment as the nimble ruminant charged its way towards the opposition goal. And besides (wait for it, we have a punchline) our Ibex would scarcely be the first horny footballer to appear on the pitch” – Hubert O’Hearn.
“Re: Fellaini running the ball into a goal with bird’s nest hair. He’d miss” – Jordan Glossop.
“Weird Uncle Fiver [yesterday’s Fiver] is weirder than we thought if he is a masseuse rather than a masseur” – Eric Marsden.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of long-suffering reader Alan Gernon’s new book, Retired: What Happens to Footballers When the Game’s Up, is … Matthew Richman. We’ve got more to give away so get typing.
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BITS AND BOBS
Erm … Manchester City have signed Jesus from Palmeiras for initial £27m.
Er ... Mohamed Salah has confused those people who thought he had joined Roma from Chelsea on a permanent deal last season by joining Roma from Chelsea on a permanent deal now.
Um ... Fulham’s Ross McCormack could soon be known as Relegated Aston Villa’s Ross McCormack after the London club accepted a bid.
Ah ... Paul Pogba is on holiday in the US.
Erm ... Nathan Dyer, who was so vital to Swansea last season he spent most of it at Leicester, has signed a new four-year deal. Leicester, however, have signed Bartosz Kapustka.
And ... er ...
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Get ready for the Magnificent Seven rocking up at a Premier League saloon near you soon.
STILL WANT MORE?
Today’s episode of 2016-17 Premier League previews are brought to you by the letters C for Crystal Palace and E for Everton.
“Has a country’s transfer record ever been broken by a team outside its top division?” asks a reader. “Yes!” honks The Knowledge.
Big Website’s USA! USA!! USA!!! desk has ranked the top 20 female football players of all time.
Big Website’s USA! USA!! USA!!! desk has also commissioned a piece on Marta, which more or less tells you who came top of the aforementioned list of top etc and so on.
Martin Laurence counts all the way to 10 Championship players YOU need to watch this season.
Paul Doyle gets his League One season preview on.
Floating brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson knows so much about Argentinian football, that if you open up his head there’s a gaucho grilling a steak in there. Here he is on why Edgardo Bauza is the man to reorder their national side.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
