With episodes of EastEnders and Coronation Street set to run out by June, news that the government has said that filming can soon start again couldn’t have come at a better time. Soap producers are already in discussion about when to resume and what protective measures will have to be taken.
In Australia, Neighbours is already back in production, with the cast filming in accordance with physical distancing guidelines. The UK is bound to follow suit soon, with protective measures likely to include filming characters six feet apart and temporarily writing out elderly cast members. As the ITV boss Kevin Lygo put it: “I don’t want Ken Barlow getting sick on my watch.”
So, what will our favourite soaps look like in the age of coronavirus?
EastEnders
The early days of lockdown are particularly dark in Walford. Ian Beale is arrested after refusing to lose takings by shutting the chippy and caff. Mick Carter has a breakdown after failing to come up with Cockney rhyming slang for “Covid-19”. Sharon dies in a tragic home-bleaching accident after struggling without a hairdresser for six weeks.
But the Vic reopening cheers the Square – at least to the usual level of misery. A physically distanced pub brawl ensues, with Phil Mitchell lobbing whisky glasses at the regulars as Tracey looks on in silence from behind the bar. Phil keeps to two metres at all times, so avoids jail yet again.
Emmerdale
This is an ideal time for the soap to revert to its Emmerdale Farm origins. Nothing says physical distancing like agriculture. Cast members can stretch themselves out over the Yorkshire Dales, while viewers de-stress with a more gentle pace. Forget sex offenders and murder, the nation’s mental health demands cows and greenery. Key storylines include “bonniest sheep” and “Yorkshire’s biggest marrow”.
When ratings inevitably dip, producers move to sex things up. With Home Farm workers stuck on furlough and unable to pay rent, the village finally sees a class uprising. It is a bloody revolution, with Kim Tate drowned in a bathtub of champagne. The Dingles become the new lords of the manor.
Neighbours
Australia has recorded fewer than 100 coronavirus deaths, so British government ministers may wish to tune in to Ramsay Street for tips before the next Sage meeting.
There they will see: Toadie emerging from lockdown with a new mullet; Dr Karl Kennedy moonlighting from saving lives by putting on gigs at Lassiters, with physical distancing meaning there are a dozen people in the audience – Karl’s highest turnout yet. Affairs are tricky when you are metres apart, so hotel tycoon Paul Robinson sticks with his current wife. Everyone continues to look incredibly attractive.
Doctors
No soap is better placed than Doctors to handle a pandemic. It’s the perfect opportunity to bring in topical coronavirus storylines, from patients suffering with symptoms to staff working without PPE.
Why not take it further, though, and bring in the cast of Doctors to work as real medics? As trained actor-GPs, they are perfectly placed to diagnose an ingrown toenail or hay fever, freeing up proper frontline workers to take on the serious business of coronavirus. Holby City donated working ventilators to the Nightingale hospital, so the line between reality and medical soap is already blurring.
Hollyoaks
With some experts pushing for young people to be released from lockdown first, Hollyoaks – the nation’s youth soap – could become a daily public health broadcast. Tony Hutchinson, who in his early 40s is the village elder of the cast, will become a case study in shielding. His upcoming brain tumour storyline will demonstrate a hard-pressed NHS struggling under a decade of austerity as his neighbours – all under the age of 25 – return to college and employment.
In a satirical commentary on intergenerational inequality, Hollyoaks enters a recession and the young population contemplate their “dole queue future”. Everyone can still afford makeup, though, and continues to look incredibly attractive.
Coronation Street
Corrie bosses have said coronavirus will be included lightly in storylines when it returns, in order to enable the soap to keep “reflecting modern Britain”.
Thank God. The nation needs to see Gail Platt in isolation, ideally drunk and inviting people into her freshly scrubbed annex. A month into lockdown with her husband, Steve, Tracey Barlow will be debating whether she can get away with murder for the second time. Meanwhile, Sally Metcalfe (née Webster) takes on the role of street informant, reporting neighbours for exercising more than once a day or not clapping had enough for the NHS.
Whatever happens, I just need double episodes back. Because if the truth doesn’t come out about Geoff’s domestic abuse of Yasmeen soon, I will get a placard, pick my favourite conspiracy theory and join my nearest “end the lockdown” protest.
