It’s the second half of a turbulent season, and part two of Class of ’92: Out of Their League (BBC1), which traces the fortunes of Salford City FC, a non-league side bought by Manchester United legends Gary Neville, Phil Neville, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs and Nicky Butt. Salford City is mainly the Neville brothers’ hobby horse – they are the most involved, at least from the programme’s point of view. Scholes mostly scowled and said, “It’s not good, is it?” In his very occasional contributions, Giggsy had the dazed air of a show trial defendant. Nicky Butt had all but disappeared.
The five legends have replaced Salford’s struggling manager, Phil Power, with joint gaffers. Bernard Morley and Anthony “Jonno” Johnson are, frankly, terrifying. They arrived at Salford from Ramsbottom with Jonno still serving a five-match ban for fighting. “My temper comes from wanting to execute a plan properly,” he said.
“We demand respect,” said Bernard.
In the changing room, Bernard and Jonno have perfected a bad cop/bad cop routine. One screamed at the players until he was hoarse, then the other took over. “Eleven stinkers!” Jonno shouted. “You’ve embarrassed yourselves!” They are like the Mr Hyde version of Ant and Dec, but haven’t learned the trick of standing on the same side of one another, so you get to know which is which. You wouldn’t want to ask.
Salford City (motto: “Integrity and industry”) were locked in a race for promotion with arch-rivals Darlington, but there were other battles going on at Moor Lane. Gary wanted to move Babs the snack bar lady out of her kitchen and into a van up the other end of the pitch, and Babs was not happy. “I could walk away, don’t worry,” she said. “Very easily.”
Despite the cash influx, Moor Lane is still run by 20 tireless volunteers. In fact everybody involved, from the Nevilles down, also has a day job. Even the team’s star player, the endearingly-up-himself Gareth Seddon, had to miss an important match because of a modelling gig. He couldn’t afford to turn it down.
Although their hearts appear to be in the right place, the Neville brothers’ desire to meddle is overpowering, and largely counterproductive. “We’ve got to do the right thing as much as we can, even though we’re making loads of mistakes,” said Gary, which just about sums up their overall strategy. Phil wanted squad member Sadiq, who came to Salford after being let go by Manchester City’s youth academy, to play in the team, but Jonno and Bernard didn’t think he was ready. So the Nevilles sent Sadiq for extra training at Manchester United, which backfired unpredictably, with United offering Sadiq an 18-month contract.
Meanwhile, the class of ’92 organised a big dinner for Salford’s players and volunteers, on the Thursday before a vital match. The lads got pissed, the owners and managers lost control and Salford FC were an absolute shower come Saturday, two goals behind and down to 10 men at half-time. “Grow some bollocks and put it right!” screamed Jonno. They didn’t manage either.
It’s clear the class of ’92 consortium could have thrown a lot more money at Salford than they chose, and this is a big part of the story’s charm: big dreams on a small budget. Everybody wanted success, but nobody wanted what success might bring: change.
Promotion came down to the last four matches of the season, and Jonno knew he had to dig deep to inspire them with his pre-match pep talk. “This is your fuckin’ cup final!” he screamed. “You leave fuck-all in here! Don’t give a fuckin’ minute, from minute fuckin’ one!”
If you don’t want to know the outcome, look away now, but I am pleased to report that Babs won the argument about the burger van – she got a brand new kitchen instead. And Salford City are now enjoying the heady atmosphere of the Evo-Stik premier division.
Shark Attack: California Killers (Channel 5) was more or less what you would expect from a cheap shark documentary series: a pretend detective story (why are sharks attacking people along the San Diego coast?), a few past-their-sell–by-date incidents (from 2008 and 2009), a lot of juddering, dramatic re-enactment, and some Jaws-style ominous music. But it also contained one amazing story: Bettina Pereira was out kayaking one day, in sight of other boats, when she felt something bump her stern. Before she could turn around she was catapulted out of the kayak and landed standing upright on the back of a great white shark. And she lived, unscathed, to tell the tale.
