OFF THE SPOT
Thank goodness for that, then. Can you imagine the hyperbole if England had actually gone on to win the European U-21 Championship, especially after the unfortunate successes this summer of England at the U-20 World Cup and England U-18s’ triumph in Toulon? Big Website might have been forced into recreating an updated version of the doomed-to-fail 2008 classic: 20 stars to watch out for, featuring Gavin Hoyte, Nathan Delfouneso and Aidan White. Tarred with the ‘Golden Generation’ brush, another decade of disappointment would await for our young heroes. It’s best not to get Nathaniel Chalobah’s hopes up, he’s got another season in the reserves to get through.
During times like these, it’s important to reflect on what we’ve learned and, to a certain extent, we learned nothing new at all. Germany will win penalty shoot-outs. James Ward-Prowse can take an excellent set-piece. Nathan Redmond, Demarai Gray and Tammy Abraham have a bright future. Alfie Mawson has a massive head. Adrian ‘Aidy’ Boothroyd resembles your waistcoated uncle at a wedding trying to get his breath back after the Abba megamix. Jordan Pickford is a senior England No1 in waiting. England, like The Fiver after a long night on the tiles, are still fresh out of bottle.
“We learned lots of lessons from the past, and worked on penalties, but the fatigue, the energy expended and the fact we fancied ourselves means we are very disappointed,” said Boothroyd, his optimism conveniently circumventing the debacles of 2012, 2006, 2004, 1998, 1996 and 1990. “I was very confident. I thought, looking at the penalty takers, we were going to go out and do it,” Boothroyd continued, a statement eerily reminiscent of what Kevin Keegan must have said to Brian Moore after another one of England’s spot-kick shambles in 1998. “It’s a mixture of being sick of losing on penalties after going so close, but also very pleased, that this is not just one game.”
Take heart then, young Lions. Had you won Tuesday’s semi after slogging it out for 120 minutes against an underwhelming Germany side that had many of its stars missing at the Confederations Cup, you would almost certainly have got battered in the final by a Spanish side that looks a cut above, containing Marco Asensio, Saúl Ñíguez, Héctor Bellerín and Denis Suárez. Plus, as the Rt Hon T May MP for Maidenhead has shown, a “defeat” isn’t necessarily a defeat, it’s sometimes the gateway to landing a big-money deal. Something to get those Mr 15% tails wagging, at least. Chin up, everyone!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It was like writing a poem after studying years of maths. We tried to enjoy the moment, also because I didn’t expect I’d be able to experience something like this at the age of 49. Ironically, on the very first point of the match I pulled a muscle” – Paolo Maldini reflects on his professional tennis debut, a 6-1, 6-1 doubles defeat in the first round of the Aspria Tennis Cup.
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FIVER LETTERS
“David Squires’s cartoony look back at Blackeye Rovers’ Premier League success (yesterday’s Recommended Looking) brought some respite from our current diminished status. Less welcome was the reminder of the shameful decision to elect Maggie Thatcher (who’d surely in the chicken-punning era of Venky’s be renamed Maggie Hatcher) as honorary vice-president. I urge the club to restore some pride by inviting cult hero Jeremy Corbyn to take up a similar role. That would, of course, give us the added advantage of being able to claim victory despite the other side having scored more goals” – John Myles.
“Does The Fiver family have a Mystic Invasive no-care-for-privacy Aunt Fiver in its ranks too? Yesterday’s Fiver, titled ‘The Sound of Inevitability’, came right as I was rewatching an old favourite, 2000’s The Matrix on TV. Convinced that I had heard said title line before, I spent around a half-hour wondering where precisely I had, only to hear Agent Smith say it to Neo minutes later as I watched transfixed, terrified and expecting to find Weird Uncle Fiver hiding behind the curtains. Thankfully he wasn’t, though I did catch a glimpse of a cloaked figure running away on the street below. My fears are thus unassuaged. Maybe I too am living in the Matrix? Albeit one run by a drab, dross football email with so profound a sense of irony that it watches me as I read it but also gives veiled (obvious) hints about its omniscience in its daily missives. Whatever the case I honestly think I’m OK with this state of mediocre pseudo-surveillance that I might possibly be in. Just promise me $exually Repressed Morris Fiver isn’t in on the gig too, please?” – Yash Anand.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Yash Anand.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Six people, including David Duckenfield and Sir Norman Bettison, have been charged with criminal offences over the deaths of 96 people at the Hillsborough disaster and the alleged police cover-up that followed.
Fabio Borini’s 16 league goals in five years have earned him a £5.3m, £35,000-a-week move to Milan from Sunderland, pending medical. Hats off to that Mr 15%.
Les Reed says Southampton definitely aren’t selling Virgil van Dijk or Cédric Soares. “None of those players are for sale,” he honked. “I can’t make it any plainer than that. That’s the way we mean to go forward.”
Dani Alves says he’s sorry if he upset Juventus fans by doing one. “I never intended to offend them,” he cheered en route to Manchester City. “I just live very spontaneously. Few people understand it.”
Doctors have found that almost two-thirds of head collisions involving players at the 2014 World Cup were not handled according to Fifa’s own standards.
RB Leipzig’s £70m Liverpool target Naby Keïta says he’s going nowhere, until he does, and even then it won’t be Liverpool. “I love Leipzig,” he tooted. “I hope, however, in two, three years to play for one of the very big clubs. This includes Barcelona, Real Madrid or Manchester City.”
Madrid president Florentino Pérez is relaxed about Him doing one after He expressed “outrage” over the work of Spanish tax bods. “He is angry, [He] is hurt,” roared Pérez. “But there’s no need to worry.”
Swansea outcast Bafétimbi Gomis is on a plane to Galatasaray. “Today a page turns for me,” he trousered. “I leave with a heavy heart. I leave friends, brothers, a stadium, a city, a family, great men.”
Wilfried Bony says he is in love. “I love Manchester City,” he sighed. “I love the fans. I want to show that Wilfried Bony is still the same player.”
Bristol City have lobbed a club record £5.3m at French club Angers for Senegal international Famara Diedhiou.
… CATHCART HAS SIGNED A NEW FOUR-YEAR CONTRACT. WATFORD DEFENDER CRAIG …
And Stop Football Now news: Pope’s Newc O’Rangers winger Barry McKay has been left out of their Big Vase qualifier against food pressure group Progrès Niederkorn.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Tell your kids not to be gloryhunting fans … they’ll thank you in the end. By Damon Green.
Free agents XI: the best out-of-contract bargains available this summer, as chosen by Nick Miller.
Here’s Stuart James on tapping up in football.
What next for the England Under-21s? Ed Aarons offers some thoughts.
“Watching the FA do Fifa politics is like witnessing your dad attempt to disco dance. You keep wanting to shout ‘no, not the shiny handbags, the dinner in a mid-range hotel’. Broker a gas pipe deal. Seal a trade pact. Or at least try to be a bit more like Russia, who are the real winners here” – Barney Ronay on the Garcia report.
Which champions were top of their league for the shortest time? The Knowledge has the answer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
