It is compulsory for columnists published within 10 days of Christmas to write something on the subject. Only, I can’t face it. As a compromise, I’m going to write about national celebrations and public holidays in general. Not so much a column, then, as a sort of Rotten Tomatoes-style review.
(Note: I have not mentioned Eid-al-Fitr, Burns Night, St Patrick’s Day, Chinese New Year, Holi, Diwali, Beltane or Hanukah because I do not celebrate them, have no experience of them, and, if I’m being entirely ethnocentrically honest, don’t pay them much attention.)
So here is my entirely personal and subjective guide to the top 10 UK festivals, celebrations and public holidays – in reverse order of fun.
10. Lent. The least amusing time of the year. All you get to do is not eat, or give up stuff you enjoy. A religious version of the New Year resolution and tending to be equally unsuccessful. Its main advantage is that no one really takes any notice of it.
9. Shrove Tuesday. An odd one to celebrate because Tuesday isn’t a celebratory kind of day. Furthermore, it’s not a festival in its own right, but merely the day before Lent. Do we celebrate the day before Bonfire night? Or the day before Valentine’s Day? It only has resonance if you are about to fast for 40 days – which you aren’t. To “shrive” means to be absolved of your sins – in this case, by eating a pancake. So it’s like an outsize communion wafer. The only thing keeping Shrove Tuesday out of bottom placing is that pancakes are pretty nice.
8. Summer solstice. Celebrated only marginally. It gets a higher fun rating if you are a druid, new age prophet or wicca priest, in which case you get to sleep over at Stonehenge and play the bongos.
7. Boxing Day. Another inexplicable non-festival day, a bit like Shrove Tuesday, only it’s after the big day itself rather than before, and instead of pancakes you get turkey-stuffing sandwiches.
6. Good Friday. Who celebrates a Jew being nailed to a cross by Italians and tortured and then calls it Good Friday? Not the Neapolitan branch of the Ku Klux Klan, but Christians. Go figure. Even more bizarrely, we get hot cross buns, a bakery depiction of the instrument of torture. An optional extra is to take part in a passion play, but the lead role is only for genuine enthusiasts as it may involve being nailed to a crucifix (or that’s what they do in the Philippines). The opposite of fun. Only gets to hold sixth position because I am unusually fond of buns.
5. Easter Sunday. Makes more sense than Good Friday, because He was raised from the dead. Also you get chocolate. And it marks the start of spring, which is definitely a fun season.
4. Valentine’s Day. Once again associated with food – heart-shaped cakes, heart-shaped pizzas, heart-shaped soup. Often involves the ancient ritual of sitting in an overpriced restaurant with someone you may only marginally like separated by a single, overpriced rose. Above average in terms of enjoyment, but only because it can sometimes get better after dinner if your luck’s in.
3. Halloween. You get to dress up, are given licence to vandalise property, and eat until you are sick. Pretty much the definition of fun at any age.
2. Bonfire night. Although not nearly as good now as when it actually had bonfires, 5 November is still reliably pleasurable. The smell of cordite and spraying sparks, and the screams of scorched children all contribute to the excitement and drama.
1. Christmas Day. The somehow inevitable conclusion of this column. Christmas is and always will be the No 1 Fun Festival. The food is better, there is more booze, the spirit is livelier, it lasts longer and you get to own loads more stuff.
Have a good one – compared with the other nine, it’s relatively easy to get through.
